Hey everyone, As the title suggests, I am planning to come out to my father in a couple of days. Actually I have not "planned" in any big way, rather I am just going to let it out and hope for the best while being prepared for the worst. In this thread, I am sharing whats going in my mind. Please respond if you have any thoughts. I am from India - homosexuality is just not imaginable. So, about this thread - let me break it down into Reasons (Why), Timing (When) and Approach (How). Why: I want to be truthful to them. I want them to know that I like guys. I want them to know that I have had struggle and I have felt helpless at times. I still love them. I do not want to hurt them. I want to be happy and also want to see them happy. I also want to start dating guys seriously and it does not feel right not to tell them. I want to stop those marriage talks. When: I completed my study recently. I have had a long tiring year trying to sort the things in my mind. Now I am having vacation till 15 more days after which I will join new job away from Home. I may not get such precious time to talk about it face to face again. I have thought a lot about telling them and I do not want procrastination to come in between again. I could have waited to have a partner or be fully financially independent but I do not find that waiting worth. In 15 days, I will be earning salary. Taking care of my health is a priority for now. I am actually more worried about their well-being after I tell them. It would be more difficult to sort things out positively if I come out when I am not staying at home. Hence, now! How: Background:At around age of 22-23 I had had small 2 line one-way conversation about my worries over my sexuality with my father. I actually just told him that I am facing difficulty imagining about girls like others and may be it will be alright after I meet some girl and please don't tell mom. One year later (23-24) I told him (again only 2 line one-way conversation) that I and my friend had conversation about it and it is not that serious problem, some people are curious about guys and it will be alright. There was no discussion about it. He did not reacted homophobic at all. Rather he was trying to make me peace with myself. In India, no one would question about homosexuality strongly. I did not know whether there are any people like me in the world and how is their life. Jump to today, now I have better picture of my sexuality and about LGBT in general. I am not sure if he remembers old conversations now. May be it is at back of his mind, may be not. I am taking a leap of faith. My focus will be on: I like guys, journey of struggles, my worries, my love for them, I do not want to hurt them, I want everyone to be happy. I will not want to talk about my dating life. Hope he would not go in depth about that. I also will be trying to take care that I am not aggressive and I do not enforce any decision on them. Just like I had long time to understand and accept myself, it will take long for them to understand it. Be prepared for strong denial. Taking that leap of faith.! Feel free to read my previous threads and please do share any thoughts you might have over this, I will be grateful, Thanks!
I am extremely sorry I did not plan this post properly and now I feel like there is not sufficient time for you guys to see it / respond. I am having some mind issues with time management, self confidence etc. I request pls pls pls share any thoughts as you could get time. It is weekend now hence I do not wish to wait longer for more.
Hey Vicky90 its saturday and not many people on EC perhaps?? Anyway I think your plan is excellent particularly if it helps you move on and feels the right timing for you. If you are up for it I somehow also think you subconsciously know that it will be OK with your family?? Of course it coms with some risk but the fact that you have communicated things with your father before means he is probably aware it also seems good timing if you are due to work away from home - then you can b geographically separate from any stress and strain "I am from India - homosexuality is just not imaginable." I think this is a bit of a myth. There is a surface veneer of straightness but plenty going on behind the scenes. I bet your parents know a gay cousin or friend and this is also quite acceptable in certain circumstances How are you planning to break the news ???
If you are ready to come out to your father then go for it. There is only one person that needs to be happy and that is you. You will no longer have to hide who you are and you can be the real you. Make sure you have people to support you and to talk to after you come out. Your father should want you to be happy in your life and tell him that you will be happier that he knows the real you and that you are being honest with him. Good luck I wish the best for you.
Hi there! If you already know or have a very good idea as to how you dad/parents might react, and it seems that you are still somewhat dependent on them, why not wait until you start your job, and know that you are on secure financial grounds before coming out to them? If it is a full time job, you will have some vacation during which time you will be able to visit them and talk with them. Given what you have said, it would be worthwhile to think about other avenues of coming out to them. In your case, and given that in India "homosexuality is just not imaginable" it might be best to come out with a letter after you have started your job, rather than in person, which gives everyone the space to process their thoughts before saying anything. With a coming out letter, you will be able to articulate your thoughts in a way that you might not be able to when you do so in person. If it is important to you that they have a fairly detailed understanding of you, your feelings, and your dreams, a letter might be a good way to go. It will also allow you to let them know that you are worried about their own well-being and are more than willing to help them to get through it and help them to understand. When it comes to coming out, and depending on where you live India, you also want to make sure that you think about your own well-being and safety even though it might not lead you to do what you really want to do in a given moment. You want to make sure that you, yourself, are prepared for the potential fallout. As you said, India is not the best place to be when one is gay. I have come to know people from India and Pakistan who came out to their parents and families, and the next moment after that, they were disowned and left to their own devices. If your parents react badly, do you really want to wait 15 days in the same house before you can start your job or move away? I would suggest to you to really think about whether or not it would be better to come out after you are in a better position to be on your own. In a previous thread you mentioned that your brother is in denial. Have you spoken with him since your coming out to him, and if so, how did the conversations go?
Why: we are on the same page here... When: You are soon independent, now is a good time! How: I would say go for it! your thoughts seem pretty clear.. you know what you want and what to expect! I wish you good luck!
Probably ! :icon_bigg Anxiety. :eusa_doh: Yes, probably. but he may be aware about only 5-10% of it. So it will still be a shock / loss moment for them. And at first instance, I should understand that they will not be OK with it. Whenever I come out, acceptance will take time. I am prepared for it as I should be. Nah! I actually want to be closer with them while they are going through stages of loss. I can bear pain but I do not want to make them suffer "alone" just because of me. I want to try best to minimize their stress. Not a chance I don't know. No big plan. Just want to let it out like what I mentioned in this thread. I will do it inside house when only I and my dad are present. I am not sure I should inform him in advance about private talk or just initiate it when opportunity arises. ---------- Post added 24th May 2015 at 02:41 AM ---------- Thank you (*hug*) Yes, I do have a bit of support network of my friends of whom some are LGBT. ---------- Post added 24th May 2015 at 02:59 AM ---------- I am not sure about any big vacation like this in future. During work, we hardly get 5 leaves in every quarter and hence it seems difficult to get some break. I actually had been waiting for this vacation for long. Yes, I first thought about doing it via letter before this vacation considering its benefits as you mentioned. But my dad hardly checks email regularly and sending post is definitely not a good idea. Most of the important conversations in our family happen over phone / face to face. It could be a challenge to express everything properly but may be I should take this challenge - rather than putting my parents in challenging situation which can be worse to their and my happiness. Not sure what is best ! Yes, I understand your point. I have thought about this a lot. I can sense that they will definitely not disown me. My parents are loving towards me, especially my dad. I am coming out when I am home so that it can be less painful for them. Well, he has still not come around and is still in denial. We had extremely limited conversations about it. I have understood that he will participate more only after I talk with dad. Even he suggested that he will tell dad on my behalf (out me), which is not what I want. He also did try to suggest that I should divert my mind from boys to girls and if I marry a girl then it may not be a problem. Well, ignorance ! He was also fine with me not marrying any girl - but then along with it - I should also forget any possibility of anything with any guy! Well, ignorance! Stupid homophobia ! I hate it.. Hope, I don't get screwed.. ---------- Post added 24th May 2015 at 03:00 AM ---------- Thank you !! Thank you !! Thank you !! (*hug*)
I would also like to add the fact that you have this EC community to support you as well. I only wish I could be in your shoes, don't wait until your middle aged, do it while you're young and lead a happy life!
If you feel that face-to-face is best then go with that. The good thing is you already know that they are not going to react too drastically (if this is the right word here), but it might still be good to prepare for a reaction that might not be all that pleasant. While it is understandable that you want to make it less painful for them, you also have to put yourself somewhere in there, and ask yourself, what is the best position for you to be in? There are moments where you can and should place other people before you, but than there are also moments, where you have to think about what is good, if not best, for you? This strikes me as such a situation (based on what you have already mentioned). It is really too bad that your brother reacted in the way he did, and I can imagine that it is on your mind, and that you are disappointed and feel hurt. With coming out to your brother you already now have an experience in coming out to an immediate family member that didn't go so well. If anything, that should give you some pause and think about what would be a good way to approach things now. Unfortunately, and as you have experienced it, homophobia and ignorance are still part of the fabric that informs norms and values in Indian culture. The positives here are that your parents undoubtedly love you and won't disown you, which will hopefully also lead to a reaction that you can live and be okay with and start living your life. If your parents react they way your brother has, it might take them quite a bit of time to be okay with you dating or seeing a guy. It might be worthwhile for you to speak with your friends who are supportive first (if you haven't done so yet) and have a plan in place if you decide it might be best to spend some time outside of the house, after you have come out to your parents.
