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What if I can't come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by drwallflower, May 23, 2015.

  1. drwallflower

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2
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    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I can't come out in my country, being queer is punishable by law. Sometimes I'm grateful for that because my family & most of my friends are openly homophobic, therefore I can keep my sexual identity to myself. But most times I hate it, because it feels like I'm living a lie, but coming out would put my life in danger & I would get disowned by my family. I've tried to distance myself from friends who are openly anti-LGBT, but I can't shake my family - I don't want to cut ties with my family. They will probably never completely know who I really am, and I can live with that, but I can't handle losing them.

    One of my best friends from HS came out as gay, and his parents first tried (and failed) to pray it out of him, but now they spend a lot of money to keep him out of the country (traveling around the world) "to protect him". I don't have that luxury, I mean studied abroad for college but I'm back home now. I thought about coming out to him, but during one of our conversations he mentioned that he thought bisexuals are semi-closetted gay people. I thought that he would be more open-minded knowing what it's like being in the closet, but in his opinion one is either gay or straight. So I didn't tell him. I could tell my best friend from college, but she's the only person that I tell absolutely everything (except about my sexual orientation) esp when I'm in a very dark place & feel like I should end it all. And I don't want to lose her in case she's not ok with it.

    It took me a long time to even accept* my sexuality, and when I finally did accept* that I am bisexual, I decided to suppress my attraction to girls. I thought it wouldn't be so difficult because I was still attracted to guys too, it wasn't! It got so bad that I started self-harming, and actually wrote suicide notes to my friends & family a couple of times.
    *I use the word "accept" very loosely here, because "acceptance" entails more than I feel about my sexual orientation.

    I'm pro-equality & support the LBGTQ community, but I hate that I'm bisexual. I know it's a double-standard, but it's how I feel. Everytime I have a crush on a girl it doesn't take too long for me to hurt myself, and then suicidal thoughts fill my head all the time. Maybe it's because of all the homophobic talk people around me, used so openly & proudly too. Most people I know here actually support violence LGBTQ people, they think that they should beaten until they get their heads on straight. I don't support this, but I think it fuels my hatred for myself. I don't want to hate myself for something I can't change, that's why I've decided to join this site. I know that coming out is definitely out of the question (at least in my country), because it would put my life in danger, but maybe this site will help me not hate my sexual orientation so much.
     
  2. suninthesky

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2011
    Messages:
    593
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    Location:
    Oklahoma
    That sounds difficult to be living in that situation. Being around people that have those views can certainly make someone feel isolated and negative towards oneself.

    It sounds like you confiding in someone could be really helpful, but I understand your reservations. As a transperson, I've often run into LGB people that aren't so understanding. Some think that I'm really gay and I'm just trying to fit in heteronormative society, which obviously isn't the case. While I find that those people don't totally understand my struggles, they identify with being ostracized by the rest of society and because of that I have found comfort in talking to them. Also, by knowing me, some of them have become a lot more knowledgeable about transpeople and now understand more. You can only do what you feel comfortable and safe doing though.

    I do want to leave you this idea: it's completely okay to feel the way you feel. Hating that part of you is something many if not most of us have gone through, even in countries where it's completely safe to be out. It takes time to work through those feelings, but you'll get there. We've been there too.
     
  3. sartorious

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2015
    Messages:
    50
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    Location:
    indonesia
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Arfff

    Hey there,
    First of all, Welcome To EC
    People here are so supportive and accepting towards anybody

    Second
    I'm on the same but slightly different situation

    Gays are punishable by law here in some places,
    I cant came out to my parents because they death threat me 4 years ago.
    I also try suicide once, it failed. and people here help me to avoid my second attempt

    you are certainly correct for not coming out if your safety is a major concern

    For your friend who think that Bisexual people are semi-closeted gay people, well people are entitled to have their own opinion. But for the acceptance i'm quite sure he'll accept you better because he know how exactly the sorrow of living deep inside the closet no mater what sexuality you have.

    For the best friend from college thing, have you tested their water. Checking out their reaction on LGBT topics? try brought it up and see what happens, words, facial expressions, intonation. All little hint may help. And you are "again" correct about talking to people. Sometimes you need other people to relieve the pain and burden that you carry around, just a little chat and a simple acknowledgement will do the trick, but it is certainly hard for people in our condition to find the right person to talk to.

    For now since you cant talk to people IRL, feel free to talk to any of us here at EC
    i'm sure that people here are friendly and more than willing to help you out at least by listen and offer some support in the way we can.

    anyway
    dont lose hope
    remember that you are not and will never be alone
    one day you find someone, it will and may take time as long as it needs but the wait will worth it

    have a great day

    arfff