Need some advice

First off, welcome to EmptyClosets.

If your friends already knew, is it possible that your wife and children know as well, and have just been waiting for you to tell them?

Are you and your wife divorced, or are you just separated?

 

how old r ur kids? nd im sure they wud understand.
u shud tell them. bcuz if u find a guy u lik and start dating him u cant just tell them "oh um this is ur...uncle!!" they wudnt believe tat nd theyd b hurt that u lied to them.
the best way is to tell ur wife(ex-wife) first. then tell ur kids with ur wife.

 

Welcome to EC! First up, let's get some info so we can give you some better advice.

How long have you felt/known you were gay?
Have you ever acted on this feeling (yet)?
How old are your children?
How is your relationship with your wife? Are you still on good terms, or are you usually at odds with one another?

Lex

 

I'm not sure I can give good advice on this topic, being very much still "in the closet" myself. But I think I can comment on a daughter point of view. I think how you tell your kids completely depends on how old they are. If they are younger than 10, then I don't think you necessarily have to tell them anything about you sexuality, because then you are teaching them that its a big deal to be gay. I think if they ask questions, then don't lie. If they're teenagers then I would definitely tell them, maybe with your wife there.

But I guess the big thing is telling your wife and how to tell her..... Aside from knocking her unconscious and whispering in her ear? I dont think I can help there, having never been in that position. I think it might help if you put yourself in your wife's shoes. Imagine if she told you she was attracted to women now....how would you want her to tell you that. Make a list of questions that would be running though your head....

"did she ever have any kind of attraction to me"
"what have I done to make her gay"
"has she ever loved me"
"has she thought about women when she was with me"

Anyway I'm sure there are people who have been in the exact same position as you in this forum, and they can give better advise on how to tackle your mountain climb. I think I just equiped you with a raincoat....you still need the walking boots......sorry for the ridiculous metaphor!

 

Hi, Tim here, 43, married 23 years, came out to family a few weeks ago. It was way more difficult for me to actually say the words "I'm gay" to her, than to live with the consequences of having said it.

There are a number of 'us' on this site...they give great advice and support. Hang in here and don't forget....you will make it through this. You're not alone.

 

Hi, and welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto! I was also married for 9 years and had two daughters before coming to the conclusion myself that I was gay, and then telling my wife. I have a good idea of how you must be feeling.

I'd say that working with a therapist was the best thing for me. I needed someone to talk to about this that was unbiased and could help me address things in the right way. It's important that you come to terms with this yourself first before addressing it with anyone else.

If you and your wife had already split, there may not be any urgency at all to tell her or your children. Take the time for things to settle down in your 'new' life (i.e. separated) before deciding what to do about disclosing your orientation to your family.

The only thing I would be concerned about is having your kids find out from someone other than you. I hope that you've asked your friends to keep this in confidence so that it doesn't some how make it back to your wife and children without you knowing. Something this important should come from you, not from someone else.

Good luck, and as 'boredofnormal' says, you're not alone!