I never thought i'd resort to this again. But it's the only thing in my head i can control. Too much to think about. It's like i've got all this shit stacked up on top of this HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM but all this stacked shit is distracting me from the problem. Even though it's right in front of me. Ah well:dry:
Try not to cut. I know you've said it's the only thing you can control, but if you can control it, then you should stop it. Please. What is this mess of a problem? Maybe if you talk about it, it will become clearer. (*hug*)
Already have a counsellor, seeing her friday. Tonight has actually been a big eye opener. Seeing as i've ruined someones relationship and his friendship. I've somehow managed to stay somewhat happy. It's like a can't be sad, my mind won't allow it. Although why the fuck should i be sad? D: </rant>
Hey Michael! What is the problem that you are trying to deal with? If you can, try to deal with the things that hinder you from dealing with the problem first. Sometimes, when we deal with the smaller things first, it might just help us to find answers to the other larger problem. If you want to talk more, feel free to pm me. Edit: didn't see your response. It's good that you have a counselor with whom you can talk to. Please don't cut. Maybe your friendship is not ruined, it might just take a while for things to settle down. If you give us a bit more information, maybe we can help you to sort one or two things out. (*hug*)
Hey Michael. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. The problem with cutting is that while it seems to be something that helps you cope for a while, it eventually becomes one of the problems that you need to also deal with. And because cutting became your coping mechanism, you deal with your cutting problem by cutting more. Does that sound familiar? Is that what you're finding? Some people develop healthy ways of dealing with problems and stress and disappointments that happen. However, there are some people that don't seem to develop those healthy coping mechanisms. Instead, they turn to other things to help them cope. Things that aren't as healthy. Alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, and cutting. I'm an addict (in recovery, thankfully), but I can see how cutting can become an addiction for young people that aren't sure how to cope with the things that life throws at them. So if cutting is like an addiction, what do you need to do about it? What has worked for millions of addicts around the world is a 12 step program based on the AA program developed back in the 1930s. It really does work. Without going into the details here, the first step - and you've probably heard it yourself - is to admit that you have a problem. That your addiction has you 'whipped'. That you are powerless against your addiction. Share this with your therapist. Do they know you have a cutting problem? Secondly, stop doing it. It will seem agonizing the first time you want to and don't. But do something else when that urge hits you. Write down what you're feeling. Call your therapist. Write down what you would tell your therapist if you can't talk to them that moment. Do what ever you need to in order to distract yourself and fight the urge. Why? Because you'll feel better for not doing it than you will after you do it. And because the next time you have the urge, it will be easier to fight it. And the next time even easier. You'll go through withdrawal. Even though it's not a chemical dependency. That's the way addiction works. I hope I've helped here. It's all very complicated - how our brain works. We've trained it, unknowingly, for years. And now you need to retrain it. But coming from someone that has been 'sober' for over 16 months, it can be done. PM me if you want to discuss it further. OK? (*hug*)
Thanks for the replies guys. But I just don't know what I'm doing. Coming or going. Either way I REALLY can't be bothered to do anything about it. I think I'm going to plan to move out. Theres a house for rent near my college. Even though I'm only 16 we can have 6 people living in the house, so it should be easy enough. For some reason I think it's my family, I'm just hating them more and more. Possibly for not noticing or caring what I'm going through. It's not as if they'd take me seriously anyway. I'm just going back to my old routine. I used to just not care, that worked. Something's changed though, now it's starting to bug me. Maybe I'll just find what changed and change in back. Easier than sorting all the other shit out.
Every day I wake up and see the tiniest ray of hope that the world will be different today. That my parents will love me, that I'm not hated at school, that I might be able to feel something. I keep asking myself why I'm always wearing the :***:ing masks, Why I show them that empty smile. Why can't they see through my eyes and know that I'm dead inside? Why won't the let me be? Why won't they come closer though? Why do they spend hours and hours destroying themselves with bull:***:? What do I have to be for them? why can't I just leave here. This place is sick. God, let me sleep, let me be in bliss. What is bliss? Pendrin, Journal entry dated: November 24,2005 ******************* I spent years killing myself slowly. I would starve myself to feel the pain, go days only eating a bag of popcorn. I would drink, and drug until I could experience comfortably numb. I would give myself away to older men. How bad do you want to hurt? How deep do the cuts have to go? How long until you go too deep? How long until someone finds out and they lock you up? How long until the old regime stops working and you need something stronger? pain taught me that nothing self-destructive works forever. We love you. We don't want to see you do this. That's just the fact of it, but each and every one of us is powerless to stop you. You are now officially the master of your own destiny. The real question is are you willing to do whatever it takes to stop... Or do you want to see your number show up on sixty minutes. That's where I was going. That's were I have watched dozens go since I started trying to help people. Please, don't be like me... Don't look death in the eyes before finding help. That stuff they tell you works if you let it.
