No better place to start than the beginning: As a child I was bullied. Most of it was name calling. Most of the names I was called were words like 'gay' or other derogatory replacements. This went from about 4th to 7th grade. Now I hated being called these things. I hated it because I did not identify as such back then (as much as a boy that age can identify as anything). I also hated the derogatory words and context. I was raised to believe that being gay was: a choice, a sin, a result of past sexual trauma, and that it was fixable. I no longer believe these things and my parents claim the same. However, I feel they have a "not in my backyard" attitude about such things. I still am a devoted christian and I believe one can be gay and be christian. I also believe that God loves all people exactly the way they are. After all, how can a loving, merciful and just God condemn something that is not a choice. Now I found that I seemed to have a "not in my backyard" attitude towards my own sexuality. When it wasn't in question, it didn't concern me. However, my sexuality is now in serious question and I feel scared. What I ask of the community is help for next steps given the following. I use just as much gay p*rn as straight p*rn, if not more. I find some girls attractive but I have little interest in other girls that many of my friends find quite hot. On the other hand, there are guys in my grade who I feel an attraction too. Recently, my best friend asked me if I was gay and I said no because I wasn't sure and certainly wasn't ready to talk to him about it. I am supposed to be meeting with my youth group leader to talk soon, though he doesn't know about what. This guy is my closest, most trusted confidant in everything, I trust him completely to be open minded and respectful but I am still scared. I was half planning on talking about some of this with him but I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet. In summary I would say that I am scared of being gay myself. Other gay people do not scare or bother me but I am deathly afraid of myself being gay. I am scared of what it may mean for my life if I have to start labeling myself as gay or bi. I am scared that gay or bi will become a suffix to my name. I am scared that if I really am truly other than straight, my life will be defined my that. I do not want to be associated with rainbow flags and fashion shows and stereo-typical "gay" things. If I am other than straight, I want to still be me and have that be just another part of me, not the definition of me. I am going off to college in the fall and I will be gone most of the summer at camp. Who should I tell, and what should I tell them? Am I even in a place of enough certainty to be considering telling people things? I am scared and I need help. Holy crap, I just told my life story and essentially came out to the whole internet but I haven't even talked about it with my youth leader or my best friend.
First of, relax dude you dont need or have to be a stereotypical gay guy, you can just be you. Second you dont have to tell them anything ( when you go to college) you can just come out on your own time, when you feel comfortable. Just take it slow and try to process everything first, oh and your not a label your you so dont think you need to be defined by it, hope this helped
being gay isnt about waving rainbow flags, talking with a lisp or whatever you seem to have in your head about it. You like guys. Fight as you will, deny all you like, but you like guys. Some gay guys have beards, ride Harleys and dress in ways to make you think they are badass guys you should steer clear of. Others look like hipsters, never look up from their iPhones and blend right in with everyone else you think is straight. I dont think stereotypes will serve you. You can still be everything you already identify with and be all that you are and like guys. As for who to tell, take it slow. You can always tell them later, but once its said you cant take it back. So take your time and be prudent for now.
All that being gay means is being attracted to some men, not all men, and being exactly what you are now. You don't have to "label" yourself at all, if you don't want to. Some gay men dress flamboyantly because that is what they want to do; it doesn't mean you have to. Some gay men wear rainbow jewelry or clothes to identify themselves at first glance to other men; you don't have to. Gay men are all over the spectrum in behavior and appearance, including YOU, exactly as you look and dress yourself right now. Gay is about the sex of who you choose to love, and not much else. Most of your fear is in your imagination. And what little creeps called you in the 4th grade doesn't mean diddely-squat; they didn't know what gay meant anyway, just that it was some kind of slur to the people they wanted to sneer at at that moment. YOU define who you are, not others. Tell anyone you want to know, but you don't have to tell anyone until you have a reason to do it. You can talk to your counselor about what you are feeling if you want to, without having to make some kind of formal declaration about yourself being gay, but just keep in mind that if you tell someone you are attracted to other men, or tell some other man that you are attracted to him, you are telling them that you are gay, whether you say "I am gay" or not. Before you do that, you should be comfortable to stand in front of a mirror, and say "I am gay, and it is OK", because the first person you need to come out to is yourself.
It is extremely difficult for me to say, hear, or accept the phrase, "I am gay" because it is psychologically associated with such a negative experience from my life. Those words were so hurtful at one point in my life that my subconscious associates those words and any words of the same effect with negative memories of being bullied and feeling hurt.
Then you aren't ready to come out yet. Keep working on yourself until you accept that there is nothing wrong with you, just as you are, no matter what anyone else thinks.
