Hello I am 36 years old and married with 2 young children. Me and my wife separated 18 months ago but we still have a lot of contact because of the kids, she wants us to get back together but after a lifetime in the closet I have started to take the very difficult steps to accepting the fact that I am gay. I've never had a sexual experience with a man, been firmly hiding in the closet I grew up in a place and around people who truly believed that it was a criminal offence to be gay. Some of the comments I used to hear literally made me tremble with fear, not about being physically attacked but just about the disgust in peoples voices when the gay topic came up as it regularly does. It made me cringe to think that normal everyday people harboured these views. Rather than facing it up to it at the age of 20 (when I deep down knew that I was gay) I decided to reject it and went into full scale denial mode which was the start of a miserable journey for me. my 20's was just a write off and a complete waste of the best part of my life but when I got to late twenties I just decided to stop worrying about it and whatever happened in life would happen and I would deal with it. Sounds like I had made a sensible choice but then I met a girl and for a couple of years I was happy and I made her happy too which made me feel like it was something I could make a go of. We ended up marrying and having 2 beautiful kids. I was still in full blown denial but obviously it was all going to come crumbling down at some point. Anyway it did and she kicked me out for just being a disinterested and vacate person in the marriage (which was what I secretly wanted). I've now reached the point where for the sake of my wife, kids and me I need to accept who I am. Its so hard to do when I've spent so many years telling myself that I'm not gay but I know I have to do it. I thought about just setting a date and then telling people in order of their importance to me but what I am struggling with the most is accepting it myself. I can sit here now and write this post and tell myself that I am gay but actually being happy about it and truly accepting it is so hard. I almost feel in some ways that the years of denial have just twisted my brain and I wonder if I will ever be able to accept me. I'm trying but struggling......
I also struggle with the fact that I'm gay, I have lived my hole life in denial too. I came out to a younger friend who is bi and he was so understanding and supportive. He was always there to talk to and help me deal with it. Find a friend or therapist and talk to them about it. Get it off your chest and breathe. It is who you are and you should be happy with it, I know exactly how you feel. I still struggle with this on a daily basis myself but it's who I am and I can't change that. First work on being happy and loving yourself and accepting yourself. Build yourself a support group and take it day by day. Just know that there are people out there that are going through the same experience that you are, there are people out there that will support you as well. You could also look for a LGBT support group in your area where you could go for advice. I hope that I was able to help you even if just a little bit, I wish you the best in accepting yourself.
Thanks Billy Your reply did help me especially the bit about breathing. Jeez I haven't been able to breathe for as long as I can remember. I'm not ready to come out yet but for the past six months the idea of finally coming out has started to consume all my thoughts, time and energy so I know that my mindset has changed. If I go back 12 months then I wasn't even ready to entertain the idea of coming out. I'm going to do as you advise and find someone to talk to face to face, its going to be such a relief. Wish you all the best on your journey, sounds like your moving forward in the right direction, all the best JD
I am glad I can help, this is also a part of your support system. I am only out to one friend, I did have a couple of sexual experiences in my early 20's and it was fun but after that was a waste living in denial. I am going to try to come out to my best friend and his wife next. They have a daughter who just came out and are accepting of her. I am sure they will be accepting of me also. I just need to get the courage up to do it. If that doesn't work I will try and see a counselor. I just try to remain positive and know that happiness is a choice and that love is a choice. When I first came out it was a roller coaster of emotions but having someone to be completely honest with was key. Good luck!
JohnDee-want to wish you good luck coming out. Did you come out to your wife and kids? I've been in similar circumstance, hid feelings/sexual orientation for 46 years, have wife and 2 kids. I came out to a Lesbian friend at work which has been a HUGE relief to be able to just say things out loud! This site seems to be a great area of support so keep us informed
Hello, no not come out yet. I've only started giving it serious consideration over the past few months. Couple of weeks ago I spoke to a local LGBT adviser on the phone and I discovered this website only a few days ago. I planned in my head that I was going to tell my nearest and dearest in the next few weeks but one thing that I have learnt from this forum is that I need to come out to myself first. This is going to be the hardest thing for me to do and I know that once I accept myself I will then have the strength to tell the people nearest and dearest to me. I am going to speak to a counsellor first, I just want/need to start talking about this with someone/anyone face to face and this will be the first step for me. Go back 12 months and the thought of coming out truly shocked and appalled me. When I think about coming out now it still shocks and appals me but a lot less than it did 12 months ago so I know that in my own mind I am on the road to self acceptance. I also know its going to be a long road. I do have a question which I hope people can help me with. Do I need to tell my wife that I am in the process of coming out to myself or do I wait until I am truly comfortable with it myself first and then tell her? Will me telling my wife that I am in the process of coming out to myself help to fast forward the process of coming out? The reason I ask this is because I have been in denial for the past 15 years so I think its going to take a little while for me to truly accept me and I wonder if bringing it out in the open will help to speed up things. Also I want my wife to be able to start moving on with her life again like I am trying to do now and I don't want to leave her hanging for an unquantifiable amount time (which at the moment that's what it is) while I sort my own head out
