Hello I'm a mom of three children, 2 boys ages 20 and 13, and a daughter age 11. My middle son has just informed me of that he is gay!! I personally don't seem to have a problem, just that he said he knew since he was 11. He's had no sexual experiences with no kissing ect. So he says. They all were raised in a christian home, (I'm no longer with their father) their father very "I will dissown you if you are that" "its a choice" I just don't understand that at all. But then my middle son also tells me my oldest son is gay too!! But hasn't come out to me personally. I'm looking for groups to talk about how I feel and trying to get good information for my son's on how to help them cope in this bible belt area we live in. My new man is Jewish and has the same ideals of the kids father. I don't understand how this all works. And just needing help in supporting my children in a healthy non threatening way. Of the christian faith as a mother can't just say those things in love for my sons. If anyone can help me understand this whole coming out thing??? Any and all info would be so helpful. Thank you for being patient with a mom who only wants the best for her kids.
You're in a good place here, and if you are looking for someplace in the real world, look up PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians And Gays). Really, he's the same kid you've always known. As far as your oldest son, if he's gay, based on your description of the home he grew up in, he may be afraid of coming out. Don't try forcing him out, that's never a good idea, but be supportive, and if he sees you are supportive of his little brother, he'll get the message that you're supportive, and likely will come out when he's ready.
Hey princess5, welcome to EC! You got great advice from confuzzled82, check the PFLAG website, it is a great resource. I commend you for seeking us out and reaching out to those who know what it's about. What your 13 year-old son did took a lot of courage, but he had the benefit of thinking it through over the past 2 years, whereas this is absolutely new to you. It is also very common to think that maybe he is in error since he has never been with anyone, this is highly unlikely; as I said above, he's had two years to debate this with himself and he would probably not have told you if he wasn't at the very least pretty sure about it. This is not something that requires prior experience, just as it wasn't necessary for you to discover that you are heterosexual by experience. Your older son will also need to do his own coming out, on his own timetable; it is best not to force the issue. Coming out is nothing more, nor less, than having a difficult conversation. Please feel free to share with us how you feel. I noticed that you used the qualifier "seem" when you said you didn't seem to have a problem. Rest assured, it's OK if you have concerns, you won't be condemned here for your feelings. Even if it shocks or saddens you, this is normal, it is part of what happens with grief, when you accept the idea that your son is not what you may have expected (although in all other respects he is exactly the same person). It is frequent that the fathers of gay sons have a harder time accepting this, I am Jewish as well, and I understand the values your husband may espouse. Moreover, the stepfather relationship is a little more complicated, meaning that you may need to stand up for your kids somewhat vigorously if he expresses any extreme opposition. In the bible-belt environment that you are in, you will need to draw upon some mama-bear instincts to protect your son (and possibly sons) from any unpleasantness. I hope that by your participation here and learning more about what this is all about, you will gain the strength to not only fully accept your sons as they are, but to raise them safely in what could be a difficult environment. You're a great mom for taking the time to learn, my best wishes to you!
Hey. A couple of tidbits I would pass on are this: 1) The majority of LGBT supporters are heterosexual and Christian. That's a reflexive fact. About 85% of the population are avowed Christians and all but a handful straight, yet approximately half of the population, which is getting to be a majority, are LGBT supporters. 2) Gay rights is really only a thing in countries that are historically Christian. China, for instance, is really shockingly conservative, and gay people barely have any recognition at all. India is still locking gay people up, and even though they have a special class of "eunuchs" that are a traditionally tolerated class of "feminine gay people," these are still treated horribly. Islamic countries are pretty terrible on LGBT rights, in general. Although countries that are LGBT-friendly may have a high proportion of self-identified atheists, their cultures are still overwhelmingly Christian, and the ethics and values that are espoused by "secular humanists" really, if you listen to them, only make them sound like extremely goody-goody, geeky Christians who like playing with toy spaceships. 3) Even though you can find some passages in the Bible that say negative things about gay people, you can find a lot of evil things in the Bible, including commandments to murder children, right there in Numbers 31:17-18, for one example. Picking out a handful of passages that seem to justify bad behavior, including tormenting gay people unnecessarily, actually sounds kind of evil. You mentioned that you wanted to get them help surviving in a Bible-Belt area, and I hope this might help. Although I despise conservatism and orthodoxy and am one of those spaceship-loving "secular humanists," the idea that Christianity is an inherently anti-gay religion is not just asinine, but it's actually backwards. Secular humanists may be more progressive, but the values that we reflect are really those that are at the heart of Christianity, which includes nurturing and caring for the weak and the downtrodden. As far as the other coming out, remember, coming out is a very personal sort of thing. Gay people really have to come out on their own terms. Try to understand that this is deeply scary for them, in a way that you cannot possibly imagine. ---------- Post added 28th May 2015 at 06:29 PM ---------- Excuse me, 77% Christian, to be more exact.
