Coming out to religious parents

Arfff

i'm on exact situation, but a little bit worse on my side...

my opinion is to test the reaction of both sides (mom and dad) separately and in an informal and non stressful way.

when they both tested separately the reaction may be quite different then when they react together with their companion.

one may be more hostile than the other, or both may show equal amount of hostility despite tested separately

if both shows high amount of hostility i suggest you to wait until you leave and became independent on your own, and use different type of method (like letters instead of verbal coming out), when using -lets say- coming out letter, they cant give and show immediate reaction. they're sort of being forced to take time to consider, trying to understand your situation and pick appropriate response.

you know the phrase " Better Safe than Sorry "
its well known and i think it capture the essence perfectly for this situation

if one shows positive then you may consider coming out to one side first before telling the other...

but again, every person is different by nature...
parents are naturally encoded to love their child no matter what *or at least it was what theyre supposed to*
their reaction towards LGBT+ on media may be different with their reaction when their child coming out to them as LGBT+

I'm sorry i cant give you better advice on this because i also haven't come out to mine. i came out to my sister first because she shows less hostility.

i hope they'll accept you no matter what
good luck
have a great day

 

Arfff

thank you

but for me its crystal clear =)

they death threat me 4 years ago, so my only opt is to wait

you're sweet

 

Only you can really exercise judgment on this. However, I will share a little of my knowledge.

More religious does not mean more intolerant. In fact, if your parents are more involved and engaged in thinking about their beliefs, this is encouraging. There are a lot of very involved Christians who are also avid LGBT supporters. The fact that they are involved is, ironically, sort of encouraging.

The ones who are most likely to have very poor reactions are those who have little overt interest in religion but very conservative and cynical outlooks, which were my parents. They didn't attend a day of church for fifteen years, yet they were going to throw me out of the house because I didn't claim to unquestioningly believe the story of Noah's Ark. Over that, I had to stand them down while they were threatening to call in the cops, and I was saying, "Yes, let's explain what you are doing, here, to Scott, our local police Chief, and see what he has to say. Do you really want to hear his opinion?" That wasn't over me being gay, but it was over me being skeptical of Biblical literalism, yet my parents, at that time in their lives, were absolute hypocrites. By the time me being gay came up, I was so jaded and disillusioned that I really couldn't have much feeling about coming out. By then, I had been in a relationship for two years, right in front of their faces. That was the depth of their disengagement.

My grandmother, on the other hand, is a church-going Baptist, and she is a deacon at her church. She is a teetotaler and everything. She has been a thousand times more open about me being gay. She has been more open about me having different beliefs. She has actually been willing to talk about our differences of opinion on religion and various other topics. She has reached out to try to understand me. She asks me questions, and we have had long conversations. Her high level of engagement in her beliefs has made her more open and more understanding, not less.

Therefore, don't be discouraged about your parents being engaged in their beliefs. What is dangerous is not a high level of engagement but a high degree of hate. If you go into their church, and their preacher is saying "The gays are going to BURN, and they're going to go to HELL!" and all his flock are going "You said it, Reverend!" then you might have a problem. I expect that they spend more time talking about sending mosquito nets to Central America. For the most part, church Christians are pretty harmless.

If anything, you could use the fact that they are engaged, in their beliefs, to actually take a measurement of how people, in their religious community, talk about gay people. Does anyone in their congregation have gay kids, themselves? You could use that strong community fabric to make your own life easier.

 

Oh, you'll find out that parents who have greater discipline over themselves have less need to be tyrannical over their children, and that's because they teach their children the same values that they use to bring order to their own lives.

Your instinct that their homophobia comes from something besides their religious beliefs is probably accurate, and as you might have sussed yourself, this is only going to make it more complicated for you. That's why I say to take your parents' involvement in their faith as an encouraging sign. It shows that they think, and that actually helps you.

 

When you say your parents are super religious I'm assuming you are talking about Christianity -- can you confirm? If so, what denomination do they follow?

You may be interested to read this article by Pastor John Pavlovitz. It's a good read for any Christian parent of LGBT children (you may have to scroll down to read it):
If I Have Gay Children: 4 Promises From a Christian Pastor/Parent*|*John Pavlovitz

 

Have you asked them how they feel about the gay son? Their answer might be a good indicator of things.

 

My parents are super religious. I wrote a short story to explain my sexuality and sent it to my immediate family. Turns out my Christian mother had feelings for other girls when she was younger. She said she didn't know better. Whatever. Point is lots of people are confused about their sexuality, even the religious people we grew up with. If we grew up religious chances are we were very religious at one point too. I know I was. I hated myself for for my desires I had that went outside the lines.

I'm not saying your parents will accept you, but if you at least let them know confidentially, I suspect they will divulge their own curiosities. And if they don't, if they don't accept you, you have to be who you are. My father doesn't accept me, and I don't care. I believe he encouraged me to be this way. He treated the girls in our family better than the boys. If he doesn't accept the results of this encouragement that's his problem.

I know it can be hard when you need their support to move forward in your career. If you're dependent on their support for college tuition and connections and you have babies, I would wait until you have some success in life before coming out to them. I know that sounds repressive, but the truth can sabotage you, and you deserve their help. You are their family. And whether they agree with you or not, they owe you their loyalty. They owe you their help. Do not throw that away. They will understand someday, no matter how insane they are. If you don't hurt them, if you love them, they owe you their love. That is what family is about. Don't let any idiot out there talk you out of your birthright. Coming out isn't worth your future and the future of your own family.

 

You do know that American Catholics are generally super-liberal as Christians go, right?