I can't make this too long, or people ignore it and don't read, it seems. Backstory, I've been in the closet for almost six years at this point in my life. Two months ago, I really started to actually accept the whole gay thing, but there's still hesitation in the words. I don't hate them, but I'm indifferent. I've tried to say something the last month. I've taken friends to lunches/dinners where I planned to tell them, but every time I got close, I stopped and sat as conversations carried their weight without my own. It's making me wonder if I'm just not "ready" to come out. With that much hesitation and the fact I can't even get the words out, it feels that maybe, I just shouldn't. I'm out to four people, never have any of them been a choice. One was a letter that I typed, hoping to come out, but I deleted, (or so I thought), it and it was later obtained by a friend who later our friendship kind of fell apart, (unrelated?). There's a lot of trust issues behind different things, there's a tragic backstory of sadness and depression that I don't want to waste time telling, because it's not important anymore. There's pressure with coming out, however, and that's also not helping. There's another person who I hate to say, but I'm starting to fall for them. Well, not starting. I've always wanted to be "friends" with them, but that was my way of saying I wanted to be with them, up until a year ago. We've spoken, I might consider us friends, but I don't know if it's that close. They're out, have been for two years and are perfectly comfortable. I don't know, but I feel as though I've had some weird hunch that they had feelings for me also, but those could just be me wanting to see something that isn't really there. I understand that there is no way of really telling, besides words and communication, but I don't know whether I could figure that out before really coming out, or not coming out and just hoping that I stop feeling love. I try to tell myself it would never work, but something wants to breath that I don't want it to. This all makes me wonder if I'm really ready or not. If I'm ready, I should be okay with just telling people. But if I'm not okay, I don't like what I'm feeling now. All this poetry and typing out my problems gets old, really, really fast. Especially since it is all I've done for five years.
Hi Throwaday Duck, This may sound unhelpful, but I think it's worth saying: you're ready to come out when you want to, and when it's safe for you to do so. So if there's someone and you would really want them to know about you, there you are. If you're uncertain, you're probably not ready. Being scared of coming out is one thing, being unsure you even want to is another. The latter is a reason to not come out. You don't have to come out right now. Maybe you should try to understand why you're uncertain. Who do you want to tell first? (The first person you willingly come out to would ideally be someone supportive, to give you a confidence boost.) Why? You say you've tried, but the words wouldn't come. Was it fear? If so, fear of what: not saying it right, not being taken seriously, being rejected, being seen differently? If you can answer those, you'll be on your way to understanding why you can't (or don't want to) come out.
