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I really need some help!!!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by chrism1990, May 30, 2007.

  1. chrism1990

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm gonna start at the beggining and tell you exactly whats happened and wat do you think i should do?

    I first realised i might be gay in the last year of primary school. Me and a mate went back to my house after some planning and the plan was to fool around, we wanked each other n i sucked him off and that was that.

    Secondary school came, bearing in mind that its an all boys boarding school, the general etho of the school is homophobic so that was a bit of a bugger.

    In year 8 i propperly started wanking and i used to like to wank nakd with my boxers at the end of my cabin bed and i would 'accidentally' push them out of the end so i would have to get out of bed naked to pick them up, bad move to begin with. Anyway, about halfway through year eight i was in a dorm room with two other boys and i did my "pushing boxers trick" ecept he tured the light on as i did so i was standing starkers in the middle of the room so i ran behind my bed and he followed me! and started flailing his arm round and grabbed my cock claiming it was my elbow...anyway, I picked up all of the grief for it with people saying it was my fault which it was but they didn't know that).

    Year nine came and went with little worries apart from the odd sarcastic 'elbow' remark

    Year 10 was when it all really kicked off. I had discovered the delights of downloading porn from the internet so while I was downloading some I came across some gay porn and downloaded it, enjoyed it, but felt guilty afterwards so deleted it, but forgot to empty my recycle bin so after I had lent my laptop to someone to do some coursework on they came across the gay porn and showed one other person, copied it 50 times on my desktop but said no more. Year 10 was also the tie I realised that I was propperly Gay, i was sitting at the back of an English class with another guy and he said "wanna play the 'nervous' game?" which is where you move your hand up the other persons leg until they say nervous and we ended up jacking each other off at the back of the class. nothing more was said until we met in the bathroom after an interhouse hockey match, everyone else had left and he sai could he see my cock because it felt big so i showed him and i ended up sucking him off, nevermind about that, back to the story.

    At the beggining of year 11 in supper, the two boyss who found the gay porn deided to tell everyone on the table they were sitting on (approx 20-30 people) which then got spread round the school that I was gay and ever since I have had "gay" screamed at me from various members of the school to the point where I threatened to knock someone out if they carried on as they had been doing their upmost to annoy me for the last three years.

    In year 11 i had my annual sleepover/lazerquest/pissabout partybut this time I invited another guy (James) who I fancy the pants off, hs not much to look at, hes not particuarly nice to me but there is something which just clicks when we are alone together, we just connect. When we went to sleep I have a reclining sofa with two recliners on it and I had shotgunned one side and another mathe had the other side but I hadnt realised I had told James that he could have it so i said he oul sleep between us so he did lying aross both of us. I thought that he was asleep so i decided to slowly move y hand up his leg towards his bixers and slid my hand underneath, he movd a bit so i took it out and pretended to be asleep, he got up and slep on the other side of the room, im still wondering if he was awake or not. he always seems to be quite flirty around me butnot when theres anybody else there. In truth i had fancied him since year 9 when we did DofE together and I first saw him in his underwear, nyway neverming that.

    Ever since the idea of me being gay has been in the public i have een actively denying it but I have always wanted to tell everyone but the majority of my year are vile bast*rds and will do their upmost to piss me off as much as they can. I've had people say "its OK if you're gay you know" and again ive denied it, how should I go oabout coming out? should i just mention it to a couple of people and let it spread or when someone shouts gay should i say so what if i was or what...I don't know what to do and its really eating me up...

    Any help would be appreciated

    Cheers
     
  2. Jersey4Life

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    Welcome to EC! I want to start off by saying I think Australians/Britons have a really cute way of putting things. The "wanking" term was new to me, maybe I'm just an ignorant American, but I thought it was funny. Couldn't follow the whole time line thing either, but I did catch what you said about people openly thinking you're Gay and even accepting it. If it were me and someone came up to me and told me they accepted me for being Gay, I'd take it. That just seems like such an opportunity. My advice would be to be neutral on the Gay subject to everyone who doesn't accept it and stop denying it to the people who are ok with it. They already bypassed the whole process of you having to tell them that you're Gay and have accepted it, what more could you want?
     
  3. Swimmerboy

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    I agree, I think you are pretty much already out. Lucky!
     
  4. EthanS

    EthanS Guest

    You never kno, they can jus pretend, and mite b waitin for you to say your gay so the whole school will kno for sure.. thats what i think neway
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Welcome to EC! There are some threads around already that might have some suggestions for you. I'd agree - don't react to the negative prodding that you get - it only encourages them! and accept the positive support as it's given.

    Half the battle is accepting it yourself, which I get sense that you have. That's the most important thing! Everything else - in terms of coming out - should be on your own terms and on your own time line.

    Good luck. And again - welcome!
     
  6. chrism1990

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    Sorry, I gave yoy the wrong idead with the 'its ok if your gay thing, this is like one or two peple saying it kinda sarky and the rest either cant be botheres or do their best to get everyone to take the piss out of me, this is my real problem at the moment. I seem to be the talk of the school, everyone knows who I am because of the incident in the dining hall and some are actually wuite vile about it. sorry if I gave u the wrong idea lol.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Hmmm - ok - so it's even worse than I thought. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. I know it can't be any fun. Here's what comes to mind...

    It sounds like you're essentially out, and you don't seem to upset about that - only the way you're being treated. (Do I have that right?) Maybe its time that you came out formally, stopped denying it, and let the dust settle on the whole situation.

    The law of averages would say that in an all boys school of any significant size, you're not likely alone in being gay - you're just alone in being out. I know that still doesn't help you if nobody steps forward to give you any support...

    The school administration has the responsibility to provide an environment for you that is condusive to your learning - and it doesn't sound like they're doing that right now. I know it might be a really scary route, but perhaps you need to make this an issue for the school to deal with - insist that they start some education on the topic, and insist that the school be a tolerant and safe place for everyone - regardless of their orientation. Shouldn't it be that already?

    I know this is easier said than done. Maybe there will be some other suggestions.
     
  8. chrism1990

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    thanks, Ive just this minute told the friend i trust the most for definate that I'm gay over the phone and he was fine with it, just a spur of the moment thing. the main probem I have now is that i really want to tell people at school but im afraid of what will happen afterwards. nobody knows downright that I'm gay but i wuold imagine that at least half suspect it (with the exception of charlie - what a really good mate, he was so supportive)
     
  9. Jim1454

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    That's great! Now you have someone to confide in and share your issues with.

    Don't feel rushed into doing anything or telling anyone. Do what feels right. Maybe the crap that you're getting dished at you at school won't seem as bad if you're not going through it alone - you have Charlie to lean on a bit.

    I'm not sure what others think of this, but if you tell people at school and don't make a big deal of it, the whole issue will likely just become old news.

    Either way, good luck with it.
     
  10. chrism1990

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    Cheers Jim, It's nice just to have someone to talk to that I dont know, its in a way more realieving then talking to Charlie,
    cheers
    Chris