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Should I wait to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by yesthisisbrad, Jun 4, 2015.

  1. yesthisisbrad

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    First of all I'm pretty lonely and I've never been in a relationship before, mainly because I'm gay. I am almost 16, and I have never met a single gay person in my life. I want to meet someone who's like me. I go to a Christian high school in GA at the moment, and nobody is gay that I know of, although I have a few suspicions. When I go to college, I want to go to a large, liberal school so I can meet more LGBT people to relate to. I'm an atheist also, but everyone in my immediate family is Christian. Not only are we Christian, but we're Seventh-Day Adventist (SDA). Basically we keep the Jewish Sabbath and go to church on Saturday. They also keep more biblical principles, and view themselves higher than "other Christians" but they group themselves as Christian. The SDA lifestyle is very conservative and most are against anything LGBT related. There are also SDA colleges. My mother wants me to go the one that she and my grandfather went to. The college is in one of the least LGBT-friendly places, Alabama. I know that there will be no out LGBT people there, and I'm sick of being in the closet for being gay and atheist. My dad just wants me to get a good education, but would prefer me to go to a SDA or at least a Christian college.

    I know they will be more distressed if I come out as atheist than if I were gay. I am stuck between 3 options: Telling them I'm gay, telling them I'm both gay and atheist at the same time, or to stay in the closet until I become independent. Telling them I'm gay might not be enough for push them to support me through to a large, public college. They could say I'll find someone later, but I want a relationship now because all my friends have been in a relationship before. Telling them I'm both gay and atheist might be too much for them, and they may not support me if I went to a public college. Staying in the closet would be miserable, but it would ensure my parents' support. I'm so confused right now. What should I do?

    Also, I am not an atheist because I "hate God for making me gay". I never had a modern scientific education; instead I was brought up with a creationist point of view. I decided to search why God wasn't real on Google and discovered multiple credible web pages and YouTube videos and debates on the topic. I judged the evidence for myself and concluded that God simply doesn't exist.
     
  2. biggayguy

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    You may want to watch the video Latter Days. It's about a young gay Mormon on his first mission trip. He falls in love with an ex- Mormon and tries to sort out his feelings.
     
  3. Christiaan

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    Well, you would be surprised about one thing. More participative Christians are sometimes a lot more open-minded than ones who are not really all that interested in religion but have conservative views. How involved your parents are, in their religion, is not a very good barometer for how prejudicial they are likely to be. There are many very devout Christians who are also very snuggly and liberal individuals.

    However, the fact that your parents are Seventh-Day Adventists who apparently have a really holier-than-thou outlook on even other Christians...that isn't reassuring. If I were you, I would focus on getting a scholarship and taking it somewhere far away, like to another country. I would say get away from there even if you were not even gay. I would say get away from there even if you were completely heterosexual and still had Christian beliefs, even SDA beliefs. The fact that they are even prejudicial toward other Christians sounds really disturbing.

    In fact, they are a really bad example of Christianity. Try, when you can, visiting some church, somewhere, that teaches God as a metaphorical concept and the Bible as an allegory, and you might find yourself happier as a cultural Christian than you would as an atheist. Or you might not. But even though I am an atheist, I am on my knees begging you not to judge Christianity based on really awful examples of Christians. Even if you know for a fact you're likely to stay an atheist, it would be a lot more fair to Christians in general to try to learn something about Christianity outside of your own congregation, which apparently suffers from a severely dysfunctional outlook.
     
    #3 Christiaan, Jun 4, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2015
  4. Christiaan

    Christiaan Guest

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    Look, even Baptists are better than that nonsense. Baptists may talk cheese and crackers at Methodists, saying things like "Look at that wonderful rain, out there! You won't find Methodists out in this!" there are friendly undertones in it, like they know their Methodist friends are great guys who also work hard, like they do, to drive their flocks out to the pews.

    My grandmother is actually a deacon at the church that I have in mind. She is really the most open-minded member of my entire family, even though she is also the most involved in her church. She is a teetotaler who has never drunk, but she goes to cocktail parties with her friends and never judges them. She went to my sister's graduation party, and she played a round of beer-pong, having my sister's boyfriend drink the beers. She is extraordinarily tolerant, even though the church is a very serious part of her existence.

    Because I have known Christians and have Christians in my family who are decent human beings, I know that their beliefs are not an excuse for what is really just bad behavior. They may try to use their beliefs as an excuse for their misconduct, but how dare they look down their noses at people they consider to be "less worthy" when their Christ, who said, "Healthy people do not need a doctor--sick people do" made a point of finding the most misguided rabble he could to try to heal them? A nasty, holier-than-thou outlook is not even Christian. It's wrong for anyone, religious or otherwise.

    You are in a position to find other people at your school who realize that this holier-than-thou mindset is wrong, and try making change. You know better, and there are other people your age who also are beginning to see that the holier-than-thou way of thinking is just not even morally right. The way I see it, you really have an opportunity for leadership, here.
     
    #4 Christiaan, Jun 4, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2015
  5. If you know for sure that your parents would be very averse to the news, then I really think that you should wait until you live on your own and financially stable.

    I'm actually in the same boat as you, except my parents just have conservative views. I'm waiting until I go to university to come out to them.
     
  6. Yossarian

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    If you are atheist in your views, you do not want to go to any "Christian" college, and particularly one in Alabama; your intuition is right on the mark about that. You need to go to a non-denominational school in a liberal setting, just as you said, and probably keep your sexuality to yourself with respect to your parents, for now. Most state-supported schools are non-denominational and less expensive than private church-affiliated colleges, which is another reason to go to one of them, so you won't have a large loan debt when you graduate. If you have an outstanding academic record, you should be able to get financial aid which will make it possible for you to go to most any of them which you can get into, and your parents will be expected to pay what they can based on their financial situation, which will probably be a lot less that at a church affiliated school.

    College is about what YOU need to be able to be comfortable and focus on your education, not a situation chosen by your parents to indoctrinate you in a religion which you have no belief in. It is a natural breakpoint between being a "child" and being an "adult", living your own life free of the direct influence of your parents, and being responsible for preparing yourself for the career path you have chosen. You need to be persistent about making preparations for this goal, do your research to find the right schools(s) for your needs, and when the time comes, prepare all the required applications and send them off for the schools YOU want to attend, so you can see what your financial options are. If your parents are decent, they will let you go to the school you have chosen which has accepted you, and then you will be off to live your life as a (mostly) free gay young man.