Can coming out cause confusion?

For the overwhelming majority of people, coming out is a relief and it it feels like you are unleashing yourself from a heavy burden, but there are times when coming out can bring on an altogether new feeling of doubt and emotional uncertainty, so please don't think you are unique in this respect.

As I explained to you in another thread, you can be bisexual with a strong attraction to the same sex or opposite sex, or you may even identify as gay with a faint attraction to the opposite sex - it's all perfectly normal.

When you carry the secret of your sexuality around with you for a very long time you adopt certain habits and fall into a rather familiar pattern of behaviour that secures the walls of your closet, until the pressure becomes too much. When you can take no more of it and decide to come out, those habits and patterns of behaviour no longer offer you the same security, so rather than feeling unburdened it is possible to feel exposed and very insecure with a whole range of mixed feelings. You have parted company with something that has stifled you, but protected you at the same time, so it's not surprising that you are so confused.

I would advise you to pause for breath and be kind to yourself. You have only just come out and the dust hasn't settled. I know you have a lot of frantic, circling thoughts right now, but if you give yourself time and space to adjust they should pass. In the meantime, keep posting here for encouragement and support. We do understand this process.

 

Coming out can cause confusion if you rush it trying to grab an identity - any identity - that you need to justify what you are feeling. That is not what you should do. Spend sometime in reflection, really look into yourself and see where your feeling leads you. Don't try to affirm anything, or making sense of things. Just see what happen when you are you in a natural state. After a while you will be able to figure things out better based on what you observed.

 

I would advise you to stop viewing straight porn as a way of checking, because it proves nothing about your sexuality and is only adding to your confusion and distress. Even if you are marginally turned on by it, doesn't automatically mean you are anything other than gay. It may surprise you to be told that, but you wouldn't be the first gay man to find straight porn somewhat arousing.

The dust will settle in time. In many respects, you are going through a process like grief. You have lost touch with your closeted self and you are having to learn to adapt to a new situation, without the certainties of the past. I don't know if you have lost anyone, but if you have, you will know that in the weeks and months that follow you can think of little else. In time your thoughts do settle though and a sense of normality returns. It's the same with this. Don't try to force the issue, which is precisely what rushing into dating will mean.

If you have always been attracted to men and always thought of yourself as gay the chances are, you are still gay, so you don't need to punish yourself by watching straight porn or grasping for labels.

I repeat - be kind to yourself and take some time to breathe.

 

You are not under any moral obligation to be 100% gay, and some gay guys actually prefer bi guys as their dates. I do, anyhow. Your sexuality is multidimensional and complex. It's okay to look to at straight porn, as long as it's well-made.

 

I used to watch straight porn until I realised it was the penis I liked watching. I'm sure there are many fetish videos I could easily watch despite not being interested in any of it!

 

Steve, have you ever heard of something called the Kinsey Scale? It's a simplification that makes me, personally, cringe, and I disagree with some of the beliefs associated with it, such as the idea that everyone is really bisexual. People are what they are. Kinsey's strength is that the concept is nevertheless very intuitive, and it might help someone in your situation.

The Kinsey Institute - Kinsey Sexuality Rating Scale

You are not alone in the feeling that you are not really 100% gay, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, somehow.

I have similar feelings to you, but the way that I am programmed is that, when I am interacting with a woman, I always follow the same pattern of behavior. Even if I know intellectually that she is putting out an opening for me to make an advance and is attracted to me, I always end up brushing it off. Where I should react to something with a "tense silence," my mouth rambles on. In other ways, in every possible situation in which I could make a move, it's not that I don't see it. It's not that I couldn't appreciate fantasizing. It just doesn't feel right for me to act in a certain way, under the circumstances.

I am fully convinced that you can be queer as a seven dollar bill and still prefer straight porn. It's not uncommon. Furthermore, it's not anything to be upset about.