Screwed Up

I'm sorry to hear about your friend...it sounded like he meant a lot to you.

And you shouldn't feel ugly, cause you aren't (I looked at the pics on ur Profile, I'm such a creeper :lol

 

Dude, losing someone is no fun. Especially when you never get to say goodbye. I had this friend I was living with, he was totally straight but he treated me like a brother. well one night two years ago the house caught on fire and he never got out. I went back in twice to try to save him but I just couldn't get that deep into the house. So I spent a year blaming myself.

Then I joined a support group and someone suggested that if I really wanted to stop hurting, I could pour everything into a letter and read the letter to something that belonged to him or just go someplace he would have like and read it aloud to him. it didn't take all of the pain away at once but at least I felt some peace knowing that I finally got to tell him that it wasn't my fault and that he was the greatest friend I ever had.

Give the letter a shot, go ahead what do you have to lose? just sit down and pour it all out, don't make it perfect keep it raw. keep it as true to what you feel as absolutely possible. then just read it to him. It helps me to be kind of ceremonious, cuz, when I have to do letters like that, it feels kind of sacred to me.

good luck, lots of hugs, get some support. We can't do it alone.

 

Ok, it may sound silly but try writting a letter to Jordan. Tell him everything you felt for him, how sorry you are that he died, how bad you feel that you never got to say good-bye, and then say good-bye.

Of course you can't send it to him, of course he will never read it but it will do you some good, I promis. I truely believe that we have our bodies (flesh and bones) and our spirit (the person that we are). Just because the body dies doesn't mean that the spirit is no longer there. Sit queitly in your room and talk to him. It will help.

On to the guilt of loving someone else... Love is not limited, that would be like a mum feeling guilty because she loves her second, third or fourth child. You have a capacity for love for each person you meet. Each person has their own personality, own quirks, own things that attract you, this doesn't mean you love any less the first person you loved... just as a mum doesn't stop loving her first child when the second one is born.

Guilt is a negative emotion, it won't help you move on. You have to try and find a way to turn the page and look to the future. What has happened in the past is over and finished, you can't change it, you can only accept it. Be strong, you can get through this and please don't cut yourself again, this is a very nasty slippery slope that you really don't want to get on.

Please feel free to PM me if you feel overwhealmed by events in your life.

 

A few random things.

>>>I feel like I'm really unattractive and I'm gonna be alone forever. I'm too short, fat and slow.

Dirty little secret you won't find out from TV and movies. Unattractive people? Short ones, fat ones, slow ones, ugly ones? They make friends. They go on dates. They get laid. And they get into loving relationships. Swear to God.

>>>I feel like I don't excist cause all they do is talk about stuff that I have no idea about like soccer and bass guitar riffs.

OK, understandable. I was stuck with two friends last night who were arguing 18-inch over 19-inch cymbals. I probably couldn't have put a more blank look on my face if I tried. But do you have any common ground? Like the same music, watch the same shows, play the same video games, have the same hobbies? If not, maybe you need to keep your eyes open for some new friends. Not that you should ditch these ones, necessarily, but it's great to chat with someone who DOES share some of the same interests. Which brings me to...

>>>I know I don't love franse anymore, I think it's be fun to have sex with him though.

Gargoyle calling bullshit. If he can say or do something so insignificant that you can't even recall it, but it upsets you that deeply, you're still carrying a torch for this guy. Which leads me to believe that you do need to get more distance between you and him. For your own mental health. Keep working on finding new friends and acquaintances. Don't shut Francois out necessarily, but put some more distance there.

So what else? Louise's idea on writing a letter to Jordan is a good one. Death quite often hits us hard and unexpectedly, and we don't often get to have the ending we'd like. Instead, you're given a particular ending, and you're stuck making the best of it. If you need to bring someone else on board (re: therapist) to help you do that, by all means, do so. Your school counselor might be a great resource. S/he probably has some info on cutting, too, so would be likely to help you there, as well.

And do remember that you're coming to the end of mandatory schooling. Whether you go on to college/university, or enter the work force, the social dynamic is going to change a LOT in the next few years.

Lex

 

I'm sorry about Jordan!!
U two seemed to care for each other and ur other friend or wat ever, sounds really mean! I kinda feel ur pain and I can't say much because Im trying to get through my pain as well but if u ever need to talk or something I am here for u. Even though u dont know me.

 

ok like Louise said, you need to maybe write a letter to him or something - like closure. Empties you of any hang-ups you have about emotions for him.
And try talking to him. Sorta let him (spirit) be there and talk - out loud or in your head or whatever. Don't forget, if he does turn up (you won't necessarily know) he can feel what you're feeling - so feel all you can for him, even if it does make you upset. In fact, it's probably best you do get upset, cos that'll let out loads of stored up feelings.

And you have to hang up your feelings for Franse - like Lex said, if he's still making you hurt, you're definitely carrying something for him. It won't help how you feel about Jordan either if there's no hope for you and Franse to be together.

That mighta come out wrong, sorry if it did. Just trying to help though, maybe it made some sense.
Thinking of you >.<

 

>>>And I blame myself for his death a lot cause I know that if I had never moved he wouldn't have been drunk driving.

OK, that's something you definitely need to get around. Because, frankly, it's bullshit. Jordan may have drank too much because he was depressed about being alone, and he may have driven because he had to get somewhere, but you did not cause him to drive drunk. Not in any way, shape or form. He made a dumbass decision to drive drunk, and he ended up paying the ultimate price for it. And you had NOTHING to do with it. Zero. Nada. Nothing. There are hundreds of ways to deal with depression that don't involve drinking, and even if he chose that route, he didn't have to get behind the wheel. You may as well blame his parents for giving him a car, or his boss for paying him enough so he could buy one.

>>>I'm never going to find someone like Jordan cause 99% of gays are sluts and I think I'm turning into one of them, but I'm gonna kill myself before I spend the rest of my life being alone and having random sex on the side.

Bullshit point number two. 99% of gays are NOT sluts. You may think they are, but that's because 1. you're 16, and everybody - straight AND gay - tends to be sluttier at that age, and 2. the sluts are far more noticeable. Most gay guys just live normal lives, but you're not going to notice them because they're busy working their jobs or studying in the library. You're only going to notice the ones that are more upfront about their sexuality and expressing it.

>>>I have a lot of friends that all fit different personalities, and most of them support me. And I know it'd hurt a lot of them if they knew what's going through my head so I just hide it all.

And bullshit point number three. Your definition of support must be a lot different than mine. Because if you can't talk to these people about the shit you're going through, then frankly, you don't have friends - you have "people you hang out with". If they really are supportive, then for the love of Mike, lean on them, already. They can't offer support if they don't know there's a problem, or how deep the problem is. Yeah, we'd all love it if all our lives were sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But all of us are well aware that it isn't all the time. And your friends are a MAJOR resource. You'd be willing to hear them out, and offer a shoulder when they were in a bad way. So why not lean on them when you're the one that needs it?

I'm not posting this just to cause conflict. God knows you've got enough of it. But you need to find a way to start moving ahead, to get your life back on track so it can kick ass again. And these are places where you're stuck. So:

1. Go see your school counselor about Jordan. You need to get beyond blaming yourself.
2. Refine your viewpoint on gay guys. Some like to have sex a lot. That's fine for them, but not for you. Resolve that you'll let them live their life, but you'll take a different path.
3. Bring your friends on board. You don't have to make full disclosure to all of them, of course. But don't pretend things are fine when they're not. Confide in your closest friends about what you're going through, and ask if they can just be an open ear from time to time. Any decent friend worth his salt will do that for you.

Lex

 

This is probably some of the best advice I have seen. Number 2 especially. It sucks that some just like to hook up randomly, but yeah, it is their choice and that is just one of the things I, myself, am trying to accept.

I DONT want to have sex all the time so I need to stick to my path and let others live their life and make their own choices. You should be doing the same.

And then about number 3...this helps me SOOO much. I confided in a girl here at my university after getting depressed a numerous amount of times at the beginning of the quarter and now she is pretty much one of my best friends. It really helped me to unload the problems I had in my life and it definitely lowered the amount of times I get depressed over the social aspects of my life. One thing to remember though is that EVERYONE has their own problems. Don't just ramble about your problems to friends and not take your own time to listen to theirs. If they put time into listening to your life's story, the least you could do is do the same for them

 

ok i think a guy who is brave enough to cry should get an award or something. i really dont know whats happened to this world that makes it seem like any guy who wants to cry should be considered weak. i hate it. your hurting and lost a close friend. the person you like is distant. f*ck the world and cry all you want.and if you cant talk to your friends or someone at school i am sure someone on here will talk to you. i would. sometimes its easier to talk if you dont know the person or cant see thier face.

 

I was talking to my counselor today and I almost started crying. She saw that and it embarassed me a little, but it felt good to know that I was being genuine with her. You definately have the right to cry. If you are capable of showing such purity, don't hold it back. A lot of gays at this age are slutty, and I guess I have to agree with lex that we only think that because they're the most open in your face gays. I was walking around the mall with my new gay friend Sunday and he pointed out like 10 gay people and everyone was uber straight looking. They all nodded to him nonchalantly. My point in saying that is you will honestly be suprised at what is out there.

I know talking to the counselor is awkward. When I went to guidance, I didn't even feel like talking, not to mention the guidance secretary was a complete bitch to me. But I knew what was best for me and I really needed help from someone who has a little more authority and connecting power than my friends and the people on EC. They are confidential, their job depends on it. However, if you tell her you're heavy on suicide, she has to tell others for your safety because she's only a counselor... and I think I'm rambling now :[

But Matty..Patty..
what I think would be best is if you expressed your feelings rather than keep them inside and hate yourself for liking other guys. You are going to like other guys as you are cursed with being human. Your morality is telling you something's wrong... and I think it's that you need to make up for what you feel you did wrong. (not that you did, you couldn't help it, and wherever he is, he knows this) I know he's gone, but I definately think you should do something meaningful for him. I feel so bad for you because you are so far away.. there's not much you probably feel that you are capable of and I bet you feel helpless. Are you friends with his parents? I think you should call them and tell them how much you cared for him. Even if they already know, talk to them again. And please, don't be afriad to cry. Don't hate yourself for it.


And holy hell, I hope you still don't feel like you're ugly... do you know what you just posted on EC? It like blew me away for a few seconds.. sorry, that's not appropriate at the moment, but seriously. You're hot. :/ Be careful

I'm not in a position to be giving advice, but I really want you to know that it's alright to cry. Please be careful :[

And talking to your friends is definitely a start..
♥ :/

edit: and anything is better than killing yourself. If that's your last resort, see a counselor just to see if it works. give up everything and see where it takes you. that's what i did..

 

It is weird talking to a counselor or a therapist at first, and it may always be a little weird. I don't think that you're counselor will judge you for crying in front of her; I've cried in front of mine and all she really said about it was to ask what my tears meant. I told her that they meant I was frustrated and confused and I didn't know what to do, she handed me a tissue and that was all that was said about me crying. I know that it's weird to cry because it's an age old societal myth that guys don't cry; I know that it's stupid to not cry just because people say you shouldn't, but I don't like it any time that I cry, especially if it is in front of somone else.

I hope that you find someone IRL you can talk to, it's nice to have someone to confide in and trust and you deserve that.

 

I'd urge you with all possible urges to go see the counselor. Yeah, you might start crying. But...

1. name anyone at that school who has seen more crying than the counselor. He's used to it - it's part of his gig.

2. crying is how you get the sadness out. Holding all this stuff in doesn't do any good. In fact, it tends to make things worse. By keeping it in, you're continuing to deny that there's a problem, and you can't get to the other side of it if you pretend it isn't happening.

If you really think you can't see your counselor, then do talk to one of your friends. How do you start? Simple (to say, anyway) - tell him or her "I really need to talk to somebody about some stuff. Can I talk to you alone for awhile?" Then, once you're alone, just start unloading.

Lex

 

holding all your problems really is bad. i use to never show any emotions. people just thought i was a cold hearted bi*ch. well i hald it in for sl long that one day i had a nervous breakdown in the middle of lunch.

one person seeing you cry is nothing compaired to 300.