Stuck, fed up, regretting wasting years

Hi all

Sorry, this is going to be long. I want to write everything out to get it off my chest but I don't expect anyone to actually read it. This is the first time I've written out my whole story.

Would like some honest advice from people who have been through a similar thing.

Short version at the end :icon_wink

Long version:

I've just turned 24 and I'm feeling really crap about things at the moment. I'm massively regretting spending my young adult life worrying about what other people think about me and pretending to be straight, when I'm not.

I didn't know that gay people even existed until I was eleven and saw some rather homoerotic artwork on a family holiday in Greece. That must have been pretty awkward for my parents to explain :badgrin:. Basically I thought everyone was straight until I was a teenager. Then my school was homophobic as hell and I didn't know any different.

When I was back at school I had no confidence and few friends. I was petrified when I realised I liked guys and just before my 16th birthday I ended up spilling everything out to my parents (the first people I ever spoke to about it). Mum cried a lot and dad was ok but didn't really take it seriously, just said I was too young to know how i felt. Mum was more upset that I was upset than at me being gay, but the situation still had a big effect and I clammed up completely. When they tried to talk to me about it later I wouldn't talk about it and buried it all.

Fast forward a few months and a new start at sixth form (new school, still 16). I made some really good friends, including with a bi guy and girl. The guy was super camp and had a rather obvious crush on me which I completely ignored and shut him down whenever he tried to show any affection. Truthfully I was a total git and I am ashamed when I look back now. My other friends would tease me about it. One of them asked me if I was gay when we were out in town once and I totally froze up, lied about it, then sort of half admitted I wasn't sure. After that we never spoke about it and the teasing stopped.

When I was 18 I started uni and moved away. Unfortunately I ended up living in the same flat in halls as a really homophobic girl which was not what I needed. My flatmates tried to set me up with girls but I brushed them off. One of them asked me if i would rather date guys but I ran a mile and lied through my teeth. I pretended to not want a relationship and not be interested in dating or anyone, boys or girls. Eventually they gave up. For the next three years I repressed everything again. Occasional questions I responded to by saying as little as possible.

For other reasons I ended up in a different social circle in my last year of uni (21/22). I moved in with a friend and her housemates and made some really good friends. A few other friends off my course had become puzzled by this point (4 years of pretending to be asexual is ironically rather a big sign that something's off) and started to ask me questions, which had started to break down the barriers I'd built up. Eventually I ended up in a conversation with two of my housemates about relationships and confided everything in them. They were great. Problem was that two months later we finished uni and we all went our separate ways.

Which sort of brings me to my current situation. I'm in further study at another uni but my plans of being honest from the start didn't really come into fruition. Everyone assumed I was straight and I ended up never doing anything to correct that. I've told two more friends from my old course since we left and they were fine with it, but we don't live near to each other anymore. One of them was very awkward at the time too.

This weekend I saw my mum and we had a big chat about everything and cleared the air. I feel I really want to make a fresh start and start seeing people but I really am terrified of having "that conversation" with my current housemates, even though I really feel like it's what I truthfully want to do. I'm just not sure I'm able to bring it up out of the blue, but I'm frustrated with waiting for an "ideal" opportunity that may never arise.
My housemates are 100% fine with gay people so I should just get it done, but something stops me, which makes me wonder "am I ready to tell this?", yet I'm frustrated at hiding so much and I know really that this is never going to be an easy thing for me to do.

TL,DR
I came out to my parents when I was 15. They were the first people I came out to, I wasn't ready and it didn't go too well, but recently I cleared the air with them
I wasn't out at school or uni but now regret it and want to make a new start.
I live with three guys at the moment and want to tell them, but I don't feel able to bring up the subject out the of the blue. They have no idea.

If anyone has any advice or ideas on my situation I would be really grateful for your input. :help:

 

Thanks for all the advice. I can't believe anyone actually read that wall of text haha. I actually feel much more positive about this just by writing it out.

Thinking about what stops me I can come up with two main things.

The first is that we've already been living together for about 9 months so I've lost that initial "drop it in conversation" window. Unfortunately I think I've made it harder for myself by leaving it too long.

The second is that I just clam up and feel very very nervous. I don't mean the sort of anxiety you get when you have to stand up and talk in front of a room full of people, I mean full on heart racing, dry mouth, can't actually speak sort of nervous. I don't want this to stop me but I need a strategy to deal with it and stop me backing out.

My plan at the moment is to wait until the subject of dating comes up one evening (this comes up frequently so should be soon). This should stop me from getting so nervous as I'm not the one initiating the conversation and it should be a bit more natural.

Then I was thinking (seeing as I've just had another birthday) that I could mention that I'm fed up of being single and need to come up with ways to meet people. I normally would never say anything like this so it might send a bit of a signal that I want to talk about it? Then when the suggestions come back I could just say that it's harder because I'm not interested in meeting girls, I want to date guys.

---------- Post added 10th Jun 2015 at 12:21 AM ----------

Hahaha I think their reaction would be priceless! But seriously, plan B is probably going to be along those lines.

Unfortunately it was just her re-spouting her misguided interpretation of her religion, which totally ruined an otherwise lovely personality. I hope she's broadened her mind now, we didn't stay in touch.

It definitely helped, I will keep you posted, thanks!

All true

I hope so. I'm expecting them to be very surprised and not sure what to say initially though.

You're right, and my previous coming-outs have nearly all been spontaneous (alcohol is a fantastic thing :lol. It's in my nature to plan and over-think though.

True and that's what I've been doing.

 

Thanks for all the advice, it helps a lot.

Sort of an update. I mentioned it in passing with two of them but I don't think they picked up my meaning. Essentially (not in these exact words) they were talking about a girls and I said I wasn't interested in that sort of thing. I was hoping they were going to ask me about it but they didn't.

I think I'll end up telling them upfront when it comes up again, but i didn't really want to do it that way as it makes me feel really anxious.

---------- Post added 17th Jun 2015 at 12:13 AM ----------

Thanks. I am normally a quiet and reserved guy and things tend to play on my mind a lot. Standing on a pedestal and shouting about my sexual orientation isn't really me but in the long run I think I'd be happier not closeting myself. Having said that, I normally just deal with things as they come up, but I'm not sure they'll ever ask me about girls unless I bring it up first.

---------- Post added 17th Jun 2015 at 12:19 AM ----------

Thanks, I know it's the right thing to do, just easier said than done.

 

Hahahaha maybe a happy medium in between? :lol:

 

Hey guys

I haven't posed here for a couple of months.

I never actually came out to my housemates. Well since then I've moved, living with some new people and some of the old ones. I told one of them pretty much straight away, it came up in conversation so I grabbed the opportunity. I also told another friend who i don't live with. It went fine, they were both surprised though.

This weekend we went out for a friends birthday. We went to this club, there were loads of people I knew, probably around 50. We were all obviously drinking quite a lot.

This guy that I vaguely recognised ended up approaching me and buying me a drink. I don't even really remember how we got talking. He asked me if I was gay, I said yes, we ended up sitting down somewhere out of the way and having a bit of awkward chat, then he made a move on me, held my hand, was touching my back and my leg. We had a really brief weird kiss and then he asked me back to his. I turned him down but asked for his number. It was all really fast, like 10 mins max. I left, then I properly freaked out. I found one of my housemates, I was looking for the one who I was out to already but he'd gone home, so ended up pouring my soul out to one of the others. I wanted to leave right away, ended up sat on the street, complete wreck. My housemate was really good with me, listened to everything and told me there was nothing to be ashamed of, I didn't do anything wrong. The next day I told two of my other friends who were staying over at our new place. They were all really good with me, they really don't care at all.

Thing is, I can't stop obsessing about this drunken kiss. I don't even know why. I'm as certain as I can be that nobody saw us, we weren't sat down for long and we were out of the way. Even so, it's been on my mind all weekend, I can't think of anything else. I feel awful. I'm over-analysing everything I did and said and being super critical of myself. Even worse, I had to go home this weekend and pretend to my family that I was fine and everything was ok (my parents know i'm gay but I obviously wasn't going to tell them about kissing a random guy).

I'm really angry at myself for how drunk I was, but not really for kissing him. More just for how out of control I felt. My friends have been really good, nobody thinks it's a big deal except me. It was my first kiss though, I don't know if that's why i'm so bothered. I have the guy's number in my phone, I think I probably won't text though. I couldn't even remember his name, I just worked out which number was not someone I knew.

Am I just freaking out at how fast things have moved? I've gone from none of my friends who live nearby knowing to kissing a guy in a club full of people I know in about three weeks. I don't feel liberated, I feel like I'm being crushed!