Homophobic co worker wants to hang out. I feel the need to come out to him, maybe?

Re: Homophobic co worker wants to hang out. I feel the need to come out to him, maybe

You have two basic choices with him, come out or stay closeted. He is acting like a jerk, as many southern men do, maybe because he is one, or maybe because that is what he thinks men are supposed to do so he is just acting like his associates do to get along. If you decide to come out to him, he might have a reality moment and realize that his immature behavior is stupid, because you are gay and he likes you, and you change his life, and he becomes a better friend to you. Or he might disengage with you because of your sexuality and then you are rid of the jerk you don't really want in your life anyway. Either way, you are better off, if you want to take that initiative.

If you decide to stay in the closet, and hang out with him, you are going to have to pretend to engage women in real life, which you have no interest in, and deal with the guy doing things you don't feel comfortable with such as hanging around with him while he cheats on his wife, and you lie to the women you are pretending to like. Doesn't sound like a "win" for you to me.

The fact that you are aroused by "tits" doesn't necessarily mean anything, as guys are often aroused by different kinds of porn for a while. The greater tell is that you are not interested in women "in real life"; if you aren't, then you are gay, not really bi, so there is not much point in telling him you are bi, if you tell him anything at all about your sexuality.

I am not sure why you want to "hang out" with this homophobic guy who cheats on his wife at all; maybe you need to just disengage with him, and focus on spending your time outside of work with someone who is more compatible instead of creating a confrontation about your sexuality with a coworker, which might lead to other kinds of problems with other coworkers. Unless you feel safe and comfortable socially and in terms of job security with coming out to everybody where you work, it might be better just to dial back your involvement with this guy and spend your time outside work with a non-workplace circle of friends who are either gay and out, or comfortable knowing that you are gay. You can always go to the web if you want to look at titty porn to get aroused and release yourself, without having to pretend to like some woman you don't really want a relationship with in real life, and deceive her. You don't even have to label yourself one way or the other to do that, just go with how you feel, straight or gay, at the moment

 

Re: Homophobic co worker wants to hang out. I feel the need to come out to him, maybe

The way that I usually deal with homophobic comments is the Glare of Death, often accompanied by an acidic "I beg your pardon?" No need to put a fine point on it. Usually, the animal is sufficiently intimidated that it is not necessary.

If someone asks me if I want to go looking for women, I say simply, "I do not have an interest in doing so." Those who press further are the exception rather than the rule, and most beat a hasty retreat.

If I know a retreater long enough, I'll just make pointed references to my past relationships until I've eliminated any question, such as "My ex, down in Florida, always loved hot peppers. He's really the one who introduced me to super-spicy stuff." The type who beat a retreat in the first place, if they are feeling more bold than before, say, incredulously, "He's your ex? Huh?" and I smoothly say, "Well, yes," and I just ramble on. I know they're not stupid, and they know they're not stupid. It's not like I'm keeping secrets.

Those who do jump on me not being into chasing women are most likely to say, "What, are you gay?" and the best type of response is a variation of the following: "Not all men who don't want to pursue women are gay, and you should not assume that a man is gay just because he doesn't want to chase skirts with you. Many heterosexual men are also asexual or demisexual. I am not one of them, and to say that I am gay is, in this case, accurate. I hope you learn, someday, that you have many heterosexual friends who are asexual or demisexual, for you ought to value them rather than dismissing them as gay or assuming there is something wrong with them. They are both just as straight as you are and different from you in a way that you had not thought of before." The thing is, the person who goes ahead and confronts me being gay directly is really the most capable of being educated. By opening the door like that, he really makes himself open to learning something. Besides, if he's got such a big mouth, he can take his big mouth and spread useful information for me. Use people who don't know when to shut up as pollinators. They're like solid gold.

Your way might be different, but I am a believer in the idea that honesty is the best route. It is just that some people need to be approached obliquely and with circumspection for them to be comfortable, and they advertise this by doing the same. They are not stupid or closed-minded, necessarily. They are just a bit more skittish.

 

Re: Homophobic co worker wants to hang out. I feel the need to come out to him, maybe

If you plan on a business involvement with him, then you really need to clear the air between you and him before you do that. IF he doesn't want to do business with you because you are gay, you will always be vulnerable to losing your work and income precipitously if he finds out and feels you have been deceiving him; he will immediately wonder how else you might have been deceiving him. Remember, this is a guy who is already cheating on his own wife; probably not the best person to go into business with based on my own experiences in business. He could make it hard for you to move on if he dumps you later and you need him for an employment reference, both by saying negative things about your work as well as propagating that you are gay, which in some locations is all anyone needs to know to fire you or not hire you simply for that reason. You really need to get straight with this guy so he knows where you are coming from if you are going to get more entangled with him on both the business and social level. Then he will KNOW why you don't want to "chase women" with him, and he can decide before you get mixed up in his business startup whether he is comfortable long-term with you as a friend and business associate, so you know where you stand with him, and don't have to keep pretending you are interested in women when you aren't.

Just my free advice, worth at least what it costs. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

 

Re: Homophobic co worker wants to hang out. I feel the need to come out to him, maybe

The thing is, some people are suppressed poly. Monogamists like me, who really will never be able to sustain casual and always eventually end up attached, are the exception, not the rule. Most men can do monogamy most of the time with only occasional cheating, but some people are like your friend.

He really ought to come out to his wife as poly, but he is likely just as scared to do that as you are to come out as gay, maybe moreso. People still think it is okay to shame people who are poly, and this forces them to live as liars. Him having to cover up being poly is really not easy for him, and he deserves support and encouragement.

Try playing "Love the One You're With," by Stills. It is really the best poly pride song available, even though it was meant as an anti-war message. It's like their "YMCA."

 

Re: Homophobic co worker wants to hang out. I feel the need to come out to him, maybe

Screw the guy and his fidelity issues with his wife. Other than showing you his character they have no bearing on your life. No need to wonder about his sexuality.

Come out to him in some way, either directly or casually. If not, @Yossarian warns you'll be dragged along in situations that you're not comfortable with to keep up this ruse. Might as well give him the chance now to reject you or change his mind before your motives for keeping this from him get challenged.

 

Re: Homophobic co worker wants to hang out. I feel the need to come out to him, maybe

I support poly people but I think some guy who feels he "has to" cheat on his wife does not deserve to have his behavior excused by saying he's poly.

I agree that it's probably best to come out to this guy before you get any more involved with him in business or friendship. But I don't blame you for being nervous about coming out to a homophobic person.