It's happening

Okay, so I'm really stressed and anxious and everything right now. I've been writing a draft letter out on my computer for over an hour, one which I plan to write out on paper and give to my mom. A coming out letter, telling her how I'm trans and also pansexual.

This is seriously scary, and I feel like my heart is going to explode. She won't be home for 2 hours, but it's killing me. I could really use any motivation right now. Someone please make sure I do this, it needs to happen. If I don't do it now, I never will. >.<

 

This is terrifying, I really hope she responds positively to it >.< Anyway, I'll post the letter below and thanks for taking the time to actually reply and read it, means a lot ^_^ (oh and any edits/advice is welcome!)

The Letter:
I don't know where to start, but I guess I have to start somewhere. I have had to keep secrets my entire life, and I just can't do it anymore. It's killing me inside
and I think I need to just stop hiding it. My whole life I have known that I was different, but I could never quite figure out how. My entire life I have wished
that I could just wake up, look in the mirror, and see a girl staring back at me. For the longest time, I just pushed these thoughts away, thinking that this was just
a fantasy of mine that would never come true.

Finally, freshman year came. I moved out, was on my own (despite the initial housing problems, which I'm sure you remember haha), and I started to feel independent for the first time in my life. It was great, and I learned to become more responsible. That wasn't the most important learning experience for me, however. I began to notice
more and more often lesbian and gay couples on campus. I found out that my previous school was a very LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) friendly school, and that there were a couple clubs dedicated to their support. People were very open with how they expressed themselves, and nobody seemed to have a second thought about seeing two girls kissing or holding hands in public.

This actually made me very happy. For once, I realized that I didn't need to hide who I was, I could express myself. I tried to build the courage up to join the clubs,
but I never could make myself walk through the door. I fully intended to go to a few different meetings they had, only to stop at the door and turn around. Anyway, that year I decided without a doubt that I am not straight. I would call myself Pansexual, which means I can like anyone, regardless of their gender. All that matters to me is their personality (but of course looks matter to a small extent as well).

Later that year, I started to browse internet forums, looking for both help and advice on accepting myself and possibly coming out to my friends and family. I eventually
came across a blog, written by someone my age. They were born male and hated it, just like I did. They spilled their guts on that blog, and I really identified with their
story. They began transitioning to finally be female, something I had no idea was even possible. Every week, she would post pictures of herself. A picture a week, displaying
her progress with HRT (hormone replacement therapy), and how she was slowly becoming more and more feminine looking (and feeling). She expressed how happy she was, and every week I would see the pictures and smile. I never knew I had a choice, and it made me happy to think that I could also finally be a female as well.

Now, I'm sure it's quite obvious what I'm trying to say. I'm coming out to you, as transgender (well that, and pansexual). I have always felt female in my brain (the way I think and see things), and I have always wished I was born female. Now, I don't want you to mistake this for something else. I don't want to crossdress or have boobs, or
anything like that. Well actually, I DO want to have boobs eventually, but not for the sake of me finding them attractive, it's because I want my body to match my mind.
I have felt uncomfortable in a male body for the longest time. It has nothing to do with liking the female body more or anything like that. I don't want you to mistake this
for something else, it's simply a matter of me being female on the inside but male on the outside (I really hope this is making some kind of sense to you).

Anyway, I really hate being a guy. Gender stereotypes aside, it just feels gross and wrong. I hate having body hair, facial hair, a penis, everything. It feels gross and
I don't like it. I never have. I've told you before that I don't like facial and body hair to begin with, so I know you know that already. Now obviously I could just shave,
and I do. But that's not enough. I look in the mirror to see a guy looking back at me. Someone masculine, and that's not me. It just isn't.

I know there are a million different thoughts running through your head. I know you're probably thinking that I used to want to be all muscular, and big. That I always
act like a typical guy, trying to be tough. That I like guy things, and dress/act masculine. I hate to tell you this, but it's pretty much all an act. I really don't like
being a guy. At all. My mind has become so messed up pretending for all of these years, that I can't even get my lies straight anymore. I don't remember who I am, just who I have pretended to be.

I act tough, sarcastic, and frankly like an asshole most of the time. I really hate this about myself. I created this masculine persona, and I have used it for so long
that I can't even fully remember what my actual personality is like. All I know is this isn't me. I'm not that guy, and I never truly will be. I just want to finally
be myself, even if it makes everyone around me hate me. I would rather the entire world hate me than to hate myself. I've hated myself for far too long now, and it never
gets better. It's time that I do something about it, and that thing is transitioning.

The first steps for me would be to meet with a therapist who specializes in this field, one who can properly label me as transgender or not. I need to talk to them about
everything, and find out for sure if this truly is my path. Believe me, I would like more than anything to be told I'm not and to not have to worry about all of this. None
of this sounds fun, but it's something I need to do in order to ever be happy.

I haven't been truly happy in such a long time, I can hardly remember what it's like. I can usually sink myself into video games or some other form of media to forget my
unhappiness for a little while, but then it always comes back. Sure, I can be happy if we go to South Carolina to visit family or go to Disney or even to a mall or going out
to eat, but it never lasts. I eventually sink back into unhappiness and depression, and it feels terrible. All I can say is that I have been trying for years to get the
courage to do something about it and to tell you, but just haven't had the heart or courage to do so.

Maybe you will hate or disown me, and that's fine. I won't blame you for that, you never asked for any of this. Maybe you will support me fully, and that would be great.
I'll let you make that decision, and just know that I won't ever come to hate you no matter which side you choose. If you do decide to support me though, just know that it
isn't going to be an enjoyable journey for the most part. I know that most of my family will either come to hate me, disown me, or break off contact entirely. This is
something that I really hope doesn't happen, but I'm sure most people see transgender people as some sort of sinners.

I will probably be talked about behind my back often by family I love, and that's okay. I can either choose to live unhappy forever, pleasing everyone around me, or choose my
own happiness at the potential cost of losing everyone around me. As much as I would love to keep everyone happy, the reality is that I am wasting my life doing so. I plan on
also telling my closest friends (John and Bryan), whom I believe will be accepting (I hope), because I care about them. I would do anything for them, and I hope they feel
the same. It's going to be tough, but I need at least a few allies in this if I ever plan to make it.

I have spent weeks on the internet, talking to people who feel similar. They have been super helpful and kind, and that's the reason I am writing this now. I finally have
some support on this, and I need to do it now or never. I wish I could answer all of your questions on this letter, but I can't. It would take far too long to figure out
everything that is going through your mind right now, so I'll just have to answer them in person later. I guess what I'm really hoping for is to have you on my side as well,
to help me through this and give me some courage. The idea of going to therapy, taking hormones, and eventually having various forms of surgery seriously scares me. Just
understand that I would never willingly choose to do this, it's just the only path to happiness for me.

I hope this makes sense, I really do. I'm trying my best to organize years of thoughts and feelings, but it's tough. I want to try to put it into perspective for you though,
because I know it probably isn't relatable as is. Imagine you woke up tomorrow morning. You go into the bathroom, and look into the mirror. You are suddenly a foot taller, have a beard, your chest is hairy, and you have a penis (let me tell you, this is so awkward to write to my mom). How would you feel? Knowing that you ARE a female, yet you are now a male to everyone around you, and even to yourself (visually at least). Wouldn't it feel gross and wrong? I really hope this is a good example, I can't think of another.

Now, by now I'm sure you have thought of that show you watch. Kardashians or however you spell it. I'm not sure if it's great timing or terrible. On one side, I'm hoping it makes it less of a shock to you, as it's been all over the news and on TV lately. However, I'm also a bit worried that you might think that I am doing this for the wrong reasons, or trying to fit in (in some strange way). Just know that I would never choose any of this. I would love to have just been born a female, or even just born a male who felt like a male and was happy as one. This sucks, and that's pretty much all I can say.

I might never fit in, and that scares me. I'm worried that I'll always be seen as a male, but I have hope for today's medical abilities. I hope that hormones and surgery
will finally help me achieve the life I've always wanted. I hope that it will finally make me happy to see myself in the mirror. I hope I can finally act like a girl
without fear of scrutiny, and can act and dress and behave like one as well. Of course I'll never get the years back that I was a guy, and that sucks. So many important
years, and I could have been much happier. I don't regret it though. I love you and the rest of my family and friends. I had a lot of good times, even being in the wrong
body.

"It's an experience if nothing else, I suppose. So I will always remember what it's like being a guy and trying to fit in. To feel like you are the odd one out. To feel
like you're wearing a disguise at all times. It's not going to be painless, it won't be free. But it's just something I need to do.

If you aren't ready to give up on me, and are willing to suppport me, then please read on. If you're still confused, I want to reiterate (as you may have never heard of a lot
of these terms, I have no idea). I'm a pansexual transgender female. This means that I like people based on looks and personality, not just gender (although I will likely
be mostly lesbian), and it also means that I intend to change my outside gender (body) to match my inside (female). I will also have to change my name, and I will want to be
called by female pronouns. I will become your daughter (if you allow me), instead of your son.

This is all super scary to say, my heart feels like it's going to explode writing this. Anyway, if you will, I want you to teach me how to put on makeup, how to style longer
hair, how to dress more feminine, etc. I guess how you would treat a daughter. I know it's going to be weird at first, it really will. It's going to be awkward for sure.
Eventually I hope we can both be normal about it, and feel comfortable about the subject. It feels strange writing like this. Calling myself a female and all. I know I am
in my mind, but I'm just so used to be called a guy.

Hopefully you have seen some signs along the way. I hope you have noticed things I have done or how I have acted so this doesn't come as the biggest surprise of your life.
If not, then I guess I'm just a really good actor! Things like wanting to grow my hair out, shaving my body, asking to color hair, being picky about how I look and trying
to make sure my face looks good. Maybe they aren't tell tale signs, but still. I've tried my best to be as feminine as possible, while still hiding all of this. I'm sure you
can even look back to when I was a kid. Things like me hating to be dirty, or playing with barbies, and whatever else. I'm not saying I'm going to be a super feminine girl.
I'll still like computers, same types of music, everything. The only difference will be my personality and the way I look.

I can finally be myself without worrying. Admittedly, I'll probably be quite a tomboy at first. Just due to dressing/acting like a guy all my life, it's a big shift in
comfort zones. I guess I really don't have anything else to say. I'm sure you have at least a million questions, and that's fine. I want you to take your time and think
about what you want to ask me. You don't need to come talk to me the second you finish reading this. Just wait until it sinks in and you feel comfortable with it. Take your
time, there's no hurry. I mean, I'll probably die of suspense if I don't hear back for over an hour or so, but still."

---------- Post added 9th Jun 2015 at 03:48 PM ----------

Also apology for the format. I typed it up quick in notepad and the spacing is all wrong >.<

 

Thank you all! Literally the only reason I've even had the courage to do this much is because of the support from everyone on here. I'll let you all know how it goes, for now I have to play the "waiting in suspense" game until she gets home.

I tried to be careful in what I wrote, but also be upfront and straight with her. Hopefully she will understand and be accepting, but all I can do for now is hope. It's funny how a single conversation has become probably the scariest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

 

Thanks! She will be home in like 10 minutes, I'm beyond nervous right now >.<

 

She is reading it now, and I'm terrified. This really shouldn't be so scary, but it is >.>

 

Guess I'll know in ~2 hours how she feels. She had to go back out, so hopefully she will think about it and let me know her thoughts. It's really scary still though, because I have no idea what she was thinking while she was reading it >.<