I don't think I actually will do any of this because I'm usually a very direct and honest person. I'm mostly closeted because I'm scared of actually being bi. Nothing wrong with being bi, I actually came out as bi in the past. I just want to avoid being a "hasbian". Publicly identifying as a lesbian and falling in love with a man is my biggest fear. Labeling myself as bi prevented that, but it's hard being out as bi when you don't actually want to date men. I'm sometimes tempted to identify as bi again. I'm just scared of people noticing I have a preference for girls. Just don't want to be a lopsided bisexual. The OCD side of me hates that. If I publicly identify as bi I'll probably have to date some guys I have no attraction to just to make it seem like I have no preference. If people ask why I'm mostly in relationships with girls I'll just tell them it's a coincidence or the guys were fuckboys. Don't think they'll buy that. They'll probably just think I'm a lopsided bisexual. I'm also thinking of calling myself asexual. Mainly because I hate being sexualized by men and really hate the idea of being with a man. I also rarely feel sexual attraction, so it isn't entirely inaccurate. It appeals to me because it's an easy way to reject all contact with men. If I do fall in love with a man I can just say it's non-sexual love. Same with being with a girl. I know people are ignorant about asexuality. I'd rather explain asexuality than be a hasbian. I could also come out as a mixture of these two. Someone who's rarely attracted to people and doesn't care about gender. Still dishonest because I do care about gender. I'm also scared people will put a lot of pressure on me to date men if I come out as that. That's what happened to me when I was out as bi. I just wish I could be 100% gay and 100% sure of it. Right now I'm just a wannabe gay. I often have huge panic attacks when I meet cool guys. I get scared that I'm attracted to them.
You could do all of the things you mentioned, if you want to. It's your right, but how would you feel about yourself, if you did? If you place a lot of value on honesty with other people, would you not also wish to be honest with yourself? I don't mean any of this to sound challenging and I apologise if that's how it comes across, but it's something to consider. Very few people can say with complete and total assurance that they are 100% anything in life. We don't live in a world of absolutes and that extends to our sexuality too. Why shouldn't it? It may seem more comforting to declare with confidence that you are totally straight or totally gay, but in reality, very few people are. The overwhelming majority of us will sit somewhere in between. We may be very strongly attracted to the same or opposite sex, but can we really say absolutely (100%)? If you "really hate" the idea of being with a man and have a preference for girls it would be safe to assume that you are gay. You may not have that total assurance that you (and frankly, many other lesbians and gays) would prefer, but when you are telling us that you hate the idea of being with a man, it's almost definite, don't you think? It sounds like your mind has been playing overtime with this issue and I really don't know if my comments have helped at all, but I do hope you will pause for careful consideration before applying a really false label to yourself. It's your decision of course - I just don't want to see you, or anyone else in a similar position making a mistake or doing something they might later regret.
