Hi everyone, I'm back again... things are going good.. my gf and i are doing ok.. had a few bumpy patches, but we are trying to sort them out. I have one thing that is bothering me though... I am having trouble trusting her and just believing that she loves me.. etc.. She is a pretty open person, flirts and well doesn't see anything wrong in grabbing someone's butt.. hypothetically speaking.. saying that it would mean nothing to her. She doesn't quite understand that i feel its inappropriate. Also, she is mixed race, and i guess from what she says, its a culture thing for black ppl to dance quite intimatley with others. Basically pretty up close with hips against one anothers.. I personally would only dance that way with my partner, i wouldn't dance that way with anyone else.. especially if i was with someone. She sees nothing wrong with it because its just dancing. Oogling women, and saying their fine.. looking at their clevage etc.. i know its fine to harmlessly flirt and joke around.. but i feel like some of this stuff crosses some boundaries for me. I love her and i don't want things to end with us.. but i can't really forget about how i feel. i've been cheated on in the past.. and keep getting told that i'm putting her into the same category, and that i'm being insecure and that i need to trust her. I am going to be going to counselling now.. as i need to sort myself out.. but this is bothering me... her ex came over to her house tonight for a visit.. i was cool with it.. but when i tried to call her she didn't pick up and got through on just about the last ring when i went to call her mobile. from then onwards i thought she was totally avoiding me.. and when i did talk to her.. her voice was all crokie.. like she was sleeping or something.. i spent the evening trying to distract myself.. but my stomach was in knots and i felt sick.. my emotions are so wound up now.. and i feel like i've just done this to myself.. am i being really insecure here.. or do i have a point? i don't want to mess things up with us.. it just brings back memories to me.. when in my past relationships the bells would ring and i would convince myself i'm being insecure... when really it was the stepping stone for me to get cheated on. I'm scared.. i put all this pressure on myself to deliver.. in every way.. give her nothing to complain about so that she doesn't get sick of me.. that i'm just getting down. getting emotional.. and quiet and withdrawn.. if i tell her this she will end it with me.. thinking she is crushing my spirit.. and that i'm crushing hers by not allowing her to express herself the way that she does.. why can't this be easy??? :help::icon_sad:
Oh dear... You really have got yourself worked up over this. And perhaps with justification. HONESTY is the most important element of a relationship. If you leave things unsaid, it just means that you're carrying them around in your head all the time, and the other person has absolutely no idea. So you're filtering everything she does, everything that happens, with the thoughts that are in your head and she doesn't have the benefit of knowing what those thoughts are. If you don't approve of her dancing the way she does, tell her. It sounds like you have, and she has told you it isn't something you need to worry about. You don't approve of the way she flirts or checks out other girls, you've told her, and she has told you not to worry about it. You're uncomfortable about the fact that her ex was over. With good reason. Why weren't you invited to join them? What did they do? You need to share with her how YOU FEEL about the situation. Not be judgemental, but share how you feel. And if sharing your feelings is going to drive her away, then she's not the person for you. You can't sacrifice your peace of mind and serenity for anyone - it isn't worth it. This is your first 'same sex' relationship, right? Could it be that you've fallen harder for her just for that reason? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us fall hard for the first person we're really close to and the first person we're able to open up to and be ourselves with. But that person isn't always the 'right' person. It just takes a while for that initial brilliance to fade / dim a bit and we see the reality of the situation. Perhaps that's where you're at too. I don't know. But crushing each other's spirits doesn't seem like an ideal way to spend a lifetime. Talking about it with a counsellor will help. But you'll ultimately need to talk to her about it too. Good luck.
I put myself in your shoes and with any relationship, straight or gay, it makes no difference if your partner can't respect your feelings then they are not the right person for you. Trust is earnt you can't just give it on someone elses say so. Maybe you can trust her but you have history which makes you fragile at the moment and your g/f should respect that and try and behave in an appropriate manner. Everyone has to define for themselves what they find appropriate but in my book if you are in an exclusive relationship there should be no grabbing of bottoms, no hip touching dancing with other people and any thoughts about 'hot babes' should be kept strictly to oneself. Being in a relationship does not render you blind or stop you appreciating someones personality but most people when they are in love don't feel the need to flirt and especially not in front of their partner. What is wrong with your g/f that she feels she needs to behave in this way I don't know your g/f but it doesn't sound as if she is being very respectful to your feelings and needs, especially as she knows your history. You deserve better, you deserve someone who will take into consideration your needs and adapt her behaviour accordingly until you feel more secure about yourself and your relationship.
Hey Jim and Louise, Thanks for your replies.. Well after some arguing and a bit of trying to break down barriers, I came to the conclusion that I have not seen her in a social setting, we haven't been in situations yet where we are out with her mates etc and i can see how she is.. because if she is anything like what i know she is.. then its fine and i think i can handle it.. but if its something else.. then that's where i will struggle. The butt grab thing.. She said she has never done it, and is not inclined to it, but she is worried that if she did ever do it, i would basically hang her for it. And i think she struggles with the whole being in a relationship.. feeling tied down etc. And I don't want to tie her down or change her, i like her as she is. and fell in love with her spirit which is open and jovial etc.. i just need to know how open! lol I am an insecure ball as well.. and i need to solve that.. and i tried my best to explain to her today that at this moment in time i can't deal with the total openness thing.. maybe in time i will feel secure enough, but i can't cope with that right now. Also, i talked to her about this shutting out thing.. she does it alot.. the push and pull.. which is how she copes i guess.. but is trying to work on it.. i let her know that its not going to work for me that way. because we will always argue.. and we both don' tlike the arguing.. and we do both have tempers. so i'm trying to see if maybe there is another way we can communicate with eachother before it gets to this point.. so we can air how we feel and just deal with it this way. I can't deal with the shutting out.. because i beat myself up.. and i can't cope.. i would fall into depression.. i know i will.. done it before. and i don't want to go there.. so i hope that we can find away to let eachother know that we just want to be left alone and leave it as that. we work together as well.. so it gets awkward coming to work thinking she doesn't want to know me.. or something. And another thing.. we've been together for a couple months now.. and have been constantly in eachothers faces since.. i'm always at her house and stuff.. and we haven't really had time to just be by ourselves.. i haven't seen my house in a long time! and she hasn't been on her own.. and for 2 ppl that do like their space and solitude.. it was too much. i think we both need some breathing space. seriously.. i need to grunge and vege.. and not try to be proper and good.. i made a mess in my room today.. and it felt nice.. it was like welcome home! lol about her ex.. she wants to be friends with her.. which is fine.. i was working yday.. and even if i wasnt i wouldn't have been there.. her ex doesn't know about us.. and she is getting use to the fact that it is over between her and my gf.. its new.. and occurred around the time her and i got together.. so she is trying to be sensitive about it. i don't mind her going over.. and them being friends etc.. i guess for me at that time.. it hit a nerve for me.. i panicked.. and it just ate me up yesterday.. i think she is trying to understand how i felt.. but i don't think she gets it.. i am working on my insecurities.. and tried to tell her that it will take me time.. and i can't just hand her my trust.. and i hope that she can allow me to have that time to work on it.. and in the mean time just reassure me that she does love me.. or at least wants to be with me and there is nothing to worry about. she is my first gf.. and i do think about what you said Jim.. i don't want to be holding onto her for all the wrong reasons.. i am trying not to ignore my thoughts and try and think things through.. i don't think she knows what she wants.. and i think has expressed that in a number of ways.. it scares me and also is another factor in my insecurities because there is not stability at the moment.. but i recognise that she is trying to work her stuff out.. and i need time to work my stuff out.. because maybe this isn't what i want at the end of the day.. i don't know. and i don't want to hold onto to someone that isn't or doesn't want to stick around.. because then it sets off a whole bunch of chain reactions for me.. and i did what i did last night, the night before and all of today.. and that really scared me this evening.. i don't want to feel that way.. and i don't want to cry myself to sleep.. i came along way from that when i ended things with my ex.. and i can't cope with those feelings again.. it would quite seriously destroy me. I am going to try and just give us some spcae and talk to her as well.. try and find a way for us to deal with ourselves i guess.. does this make sense?
Makes sense to me. You've both become very close very fast. If you're staying at her place all the time, from the moment you started dating, then I can see how you'd be a little stressed or feel a little out of place. So maybe an evening or two a week - that you both agree on - to spend alone or do your own things - would be a good thing. Not sure. I'm glad you are communicating with her though. When she withdraws from you, it doesn't mean that you have to stop talking too. My partner was a little like that. Most people don't really know how to communicate well. We learn as kids to withdraw, pout, sulk, etc. But all it takes is one person in the relationship to say "I'm sorry if I've upset you, that wasn't my intent. I'd like to talk about it when you're ready to. I still love you and miss you when we're apart." Say what you're thinking. Carrying it around doesn't do either of you any good. My bf is always astounded with my honesty. As an addict, being honest with myself and others is absolutely critical to maintaining my sobriety. As soon as I think I can keep secrets, I'm in trouble. So I have learned to share what's bothering me, and recognize that the problem usually rests with my attitude - not their behaviour. Good luck. Keep talking. And keep it real. This might not be your forever partner - it's likely too soon to tell. But she might be too - so give it a shot.
Hey, well things have just gone from bad to worse... I emailed her last night.. telling her how i felt and basically alot of what i said on here. I also asked her to take time to really think about what she wants from this and that i was going to be the one stepping back to allow her to do this and that if she does want to be with me then let me know etc.. I did not realise she read this before she went to work today, as i thought from the stuff going on at work she didn't have time. When i got into work, things were fine.. and almost felt normal. I didn't get all edgy as normal etc.. it was fine. And then later on she said that i dumped her by email.. which i said to her is not what i did. And then she said that we had a good day today, to which i agreed to because ithought we did. But in my email i was not trying to get across breaking up. I let her know that i am trying to sort myself out and work on my insecurity and if she could just be patient and just reassure me that i have nothing to worry about and hopefully with stability i will ease up etc. From everything i said she just assumed we were breaking up.. and you know what.. i actually think this is what she really does want. When i told her this she got pissed off. And just went off on one.. saying she can't keep arguing with me and i said to her that she was the one arguing and not me. I was here at work not realising that she read the email.. and thinking that after she reads the email she may be able to see where i am coming from and just recognise that i am trying to give her a little space to figure out what she wants. I thought we would be trying to work things out... but her whole being quite ok etc about apparently breaking up etc.. i don't know.. i don't know how to stop this crap.. and i don't know why she keeps going off on one.. nothing i seem to say to her is right at all.. and it keeps getting shifted back onto me again.. and its just ruining everything.. i don't know what i am supposed to do.
