Hello all, This is not only my first post on this forum but also my first time writing all this down which I hope will be therapeutic. I am a 25 year old man in the closet mainly because I'm still living at home with my family. My parents are "traditional", that is to say they hate gay people. I remember on several occasions going to fast food restaurants as a kid and seeing my father dump all our food in the trash before we ate anything because the person who made our food or took our order looked or acted gay. Every day is a constant struggle. I feel trapped because my parents are getting older and I feel I should help support them. They are poor, with no savings, no stable income, on food stamps, etc. I do have brothers but they're all irresponsible and are unemployed without any intention of changing that. I'm the only one that has finished college and has a job. The thing is, I live in a city that is attractive to me for many reasons. If I lived somewhere else, I'd probably want to move here (Los Angeles). I feel the need to escape though, to somewhere where I can be more authentic and finally start my life. Up until now, I've avoided forming close relationships with anyone. I'm playing around with the idea of going to live in Spain (I speak spanish and also have European Union citizenship), but how do I reconcile abandoning my family? I care for them, even though a big part of me resents that they haven't accepted me as I am, that their love was always a conditional love. On top of that, I'm afraid of being alone and I think that stems from the shitty job my parents did of raising me. Growing up we moved constantly and I witnessed my parents take advantage of other people in order to make ends meet. I know I'm painting a picture of some horrible people, but really they aren't all that bad, they have many good points. It's obvious I've got some anger issues lol Finally, I'm not 100% sure I am gay. I get turned on by gay porn and the thought of being with a man and with actually being with men, but recently I've become more attracted to women. I feel like maybe my homosexual feelings were a rebellion, since I never really rebelled ( I was always the good one/ always wanting to please). If I were to play the devils advocate, I might say that I was using homosexuality as a way of getting away from my family, or maybe the responsibility of saving these people that weren't really that interested in saving themselves. This makes me feel like a coward. I feel incredibly conflicted. Alright, this post is long enough. Any advice or perspective you can give me would be much appreciated.
Rather than moving to the other side of the world, move to the Bay Area, where you should be able to find a good job and a good man, if you want one. It isn't that difficult to travel back to LA if you need to in an emergency, don't have to change state of residency or even car tags or anything like that, and you can explore many different cultures within that very international community of people from all around the world, without having to actually travel all around the world. The gay Mecca of SFO is an hour away from the good income of Silicon Valley, and there are the same variety of different things to do that you find in LA, and a bit less traffic. You can be straight during the day and gay at night until you figure out which you prefer, if you want to do the different explorations, all out of the intense view of your family; sort of a "Free man in Paris". If you want to send them some pocket change when you have some left over, you can do that too, without having to feel that you have to turn your checks over to them to subsidize their poverty; maybe it will set an example to help get your brothers to wake up and get off their duffs too, without your income to lean on every day. Mostly you should do this, or at least "something", to get your own life in order. You don't want to end up LIKE your parents, in nomadic poverty, without ever building a loving family of your own. Time's a wasting; you won't be young and pretty all your life, and looking good is a helpful tool in finding the guy (or girl) of your dreams at your current age. Please think about it, and then take action, while the economy is on the uptake and people are hiring (and forget about Europe and particularly Spain, which is not doing that well financially right now; you don't have to go that far to have privacy for your sexual/romantic explorations).
There are thousands of bisexual men out there, happily married with five kids. It is not inconceivable that you are bisexual. Date whatever person makes you happy, plain and simple. Only if you realize, based on experience, that it's never EVER going to work with a woman is it really necessary to say that you're gay, per se, although some gay men are like "LOOK AT ME! I'm the RAINBOW GLITTER FAIRY! YAY!" from an early age, and for them to try waffling on being possibly bi would have been kind of ludicrous. Fine, cool, but you really have to go at your own pace, just like they went at theirs. It's not so much that preferring gay porn even while being dead-center bi is a rebellion, but here is a paradox in our sexuality. When we are sexually repressed, we really end up obsessing over the topic of sex to an unhealthy extent. When we are in hiding, our sexuality can become the center of our lives in a way that it never should. Well...some people like it that way, sort of how I do, but I'm mentally weird anyway. The take-home is that being in the closet really makes a relatively simple thing very confusing and blown out-of-proportion. Anyhow, you're just going to have to exercise some level of authority with your parents. They are on your income to survive. Only you can choose how you deal with them, but my feeling is that they need to start respecting you. They need to form the concept, in their minds, that you are a man. You are an adult. You are supporting not only yourself but them also. You've really got to learn how to take command, here, because let's imagine your parents' minds started to go eventually. Their lives might depend on you being able to handle them competently. If you're scared of your father's pissant juvenile displays of homophobia, then how the hell are you going to care for this man?
Your story really hits home for me in a way. Although I can't identify with homophobic parents I can identify with the fact that you feel a responsibility to take care of them. My mom and I live together. She and I have always been the best of friends and pretty co-dependent on one another. I am 30 now and wish I could go start my own life somewhere sometimes but my mom isn't in the best of health and is on disability and without my support she couldn't make it on the low income she receives. I would love to have a relationship with someone (man or woman) and start my adult life but I can't see ever leaving my mom. She needs me. So I feel totally stuck and that I'll never be as happy as I could be living on my own. Are your parents sick? If they are healthy enough to get jobs I would suggest that you sit them down and tell them about your plans to move out and then tell them they have X amount of time to get jobs and start taking on their own responsibilities. You don't have to say anymore than that if you don't want to. And also you can tell them it's not open for discussion and that your mind is made up (if that should end up being the case). You deserve happiness. You deserve to give yourself the best chance in life. If your folks aren't sick right now then take advantage of this time to live for yourself. If your parents do get sick down the road then cross that bridge when you come to it. Also, if your parents love is conditional, as you say, I certainly wouldn't break my back to support them. It's really, really not fair on you, adamant1989. And if you decide to move out and no longer pay their way that doesn't mean you don't love them. It doesn't make you a bad son. It's only natural to leave the nest at some point in your life. Your parents will find a way to live without your support. The question is, can you continue to live without theirs? And, seriously, I know you say they have their good points, I'm sure they do. But I'm sorry, I could never justify supporting people that can't even stand to eat the food that someone they couldn't even confirm as gay or not handled... wow.. I think that, in and of itself, could be very emotionally damaging to you. The longer you stay in that kind of extreme homophobic environment the more psychological damage you may face. That would be my main concern for you. I know I don't know you or your situation as well as you do, and ultimately it's your decision to make. Just know that I'm telling you all this and giving you advice because I think that we all have the right to be happy and healthy. And I just really think you deserve that much out of life. At any rate, I wish you and your parents the best and hope that life gets better for you -- whatever that may look like. Good luck!
