I'm losing my mind, I'm not even kidding, I'm going crazy. I've recently recovered from a few breakdowns and now I feel like I'm slipping into more. I've never been so suicidal in my life, I'm not even like that. I really need help RIGHT now. I've waited and waited but I don't think I can wait anymore. Someone help me. I will elaborate, but there's SO much I don't know how if I have the will to put it down right now. But these are what are making me crazy: My mom is going insane We are becoming increasingly more poor, when we were never wealthy to begin with I still haven't gotten over my ex I've finally, after all these years discovered the gay community in my city I feel like I'll never find someone who will love me as apposed to someone who will fuck me I'm actually failing school, when I was considered gifted And there are definately more but I can't wrap my head around it at the momment. Every item on that list has a lot of depth to it... I will explain more.. but.. I can't deal with much at the moment :'[
Forgive me for listing things... when I'm not really listing. But my mind is so jumbled I can't put things down in any other format than thoughts that belong in categories. My mom is going insane We are really close and it kills me to see her sitting in the small kitchen that we have drinking beer and eating potato chips quietly to herself. I'll sit next to her and then she'll start complaining on how she's going to move out to a lonely community or w/e where people go so I can live with my dad and he'll take me to mexico. I DON'T want to go to Mexico and I DON'T want to live with my dad. There's nothing I can say to make her change her mind. She is modestly suicidal She LOVES country but for some reason she is listening to rap.. which she does not understand She is threatening to take pills and leave because she is always so antsy She is the only person that is even holding what I consider to be my family together. Without her, I have no family. Everyone will leave eachother and I certainly won't stay with my dad. Financially, we are a wreck We have never been rich, so you can imagine I've been quite envious.. but that's just on the list to help you understand me a bit The computer I'm currently typing on has been with me for at least 5 years and it stopped working properly after year 3. I get so frustrated because it fucks with me at the worst times. I've banged on the keyboard (and it feels so good to let my anger out) but I don't do it anymore because I broke desk :[ The computer problem interferes with a lot of social things my 'friends' do online My dad is the only one working, my mother doesn't work so he's supporting the family under this terrible marraige He's a construction worker and work is very slow and chancey so some weeks we get a good amount of money, most others we don't. Rent is extremely high and we have so many bills we don't know what to do. I feel like I caused this Financial problems are severly interfering with school activities I'd like to persue My ex My ex and I met on this site.. as some of you know We were both not exactly out to many people and though it was a long distance relationship, it develped into a very caring one because we weren't just into sex. We got to know each other so well and call me niave but I loved him. I still love him. Even after all the hurtful things he's done, I love him and I hate myself for it. He said he got over me 2 weeks after he broke up with me, even though he proposed to me. I feel so stupid for believing him. .. i love him The point is, I'm not over him and I still love him. Just thinking about something like him dying makes me cry. I've never cried so much in my life since he broke up with me or even since we've been together. I just feel that strongly for him. He's on my mind CONSTANTLY and it's been more than a month since we broke up... Gay community? The weirdest thing happened to me, but some guy gave me his number even though he was taken when I was feeling UBER suicidal... and I thought that was like a sign... Turns out, as amazing as this opportunity is for me, it's making me go insane anyway The guy is cool, and his boyfriend is cool too, and they're showing me the gay side of my city. My gaydar is so terrible. We walked around the mall today and they pointed out all the gay guys the've been with (one guy is 20) and there was no way I'd ever guess any of them. The gay community is so hidden from the public but it exists and it's amazing BUT, I've also been messing with strangers. Nothing sexual but since I met them, they were strangers but I readily got in their car to maybe live my life and basically my philosophy right now is "fuck it, nothing else works". So I've known both of them for 2 days now, and they brought their 23 year old friend and I readily got in his car to go downtown and eat with everyone. I was not expecting or hoping anything sexual would happen. I was just trying to make new friends, especially with the gay community.. because it seems like I was left out till now The guy who gave me his number is 16 though.. And a lot of the guys in the mall were young The thing is, they warned me that the community is based on appearance and sex.. but the couple I hung out with are so perfect for eachother. I'm starting to guess who I am again. I want to find more gay people but everyone is a whore. Love<Fuck Since everyone is a whore, I'm probably gonna have a lot of sex before I find the right person. I know my will, if there's a hot guy I'm gonna do it.. even though I've only had sex with one person before. I hate Will for leaving me. I don't know why he wants this life... I wanted to be pure with him for the rest of our lives. I want a local relationship really bad, but not a whore one... one like Will and I had It sounds hipocritcal for me to say I'm not over my ex but I want a bf... but I feel like I could be a whore till I forget my ex. I'm just so messed up. That's all I want... to forget everything in my life I feel like I'm changing who I am and I can't stop it. You can tell me to stop hanging out with people, but them I'm left with no one. All my friends are ass holes and I was hoping to make new friends within the gay community.. but it seems to be based on sex, rarely friends you can trust, and enemies. So far, the 2 guys I've been hanging out with actually understand me and disregard a lot of the shit my other friends give me. I'm changing and for the first time it's scaring me I can't live in silence anymore.. but being open means being bombarded with whores or completely ignored I'm crying Failing school I've never been a bad kid at school, this year is kicking my ass... Not only because the classes are hard, but mainly because I CAN'T FOCUS There's so much shit in my life right now that I have absolutely no will to forget everything and try and right an 8 page essay on American Romanticism. I have little will for anything... I'm starting to really hate my friends for not being the kind of people that will understand my problems and support me the way I want. Few of my friends actually support me in ANYTHING, and when they do, they half ass it and give up if I don't cooperate too well. Basically, all of my friends suck and I'm trying so hard to make new ones but there is no way I can make those 'priceless' friends that will love me no matter what... I want to cry so bad I feel like I lost at life in this one.. I come from a poor past.. my parents were losers... and now I'm heading into oblivian with all the effort I ever put into anything. Everything is falling a part educationalwise as well as everything back home. Family matters suck so much. My mind is dying on me and I've never even gotten drunk, or smoked pot. I envy those preps that can do that shit every week so hard and still get good grades and do extravagant shit... I'm lost in my envy and my past of being good and not being appreciated for it I have no future... skills... real friends... The only thing I've got going for me is that i'm qoute "cute" however that will definately not get me where I want to be. As the 23 year old put it, I'm "fresh meat" and I don't think I'll be making many friends in this community until I've been whored up for quite some time. I don't fit in anywhere else.. I can't find happiness anywhere else.. but I can't seem to find it here either. And againg, I'm sorry for the colons but I don't have the capability to organize a well written suicide note at the momment. And I only said suicide note because that's what it feels like, I'm not ready to jump the boat just yet.
And I'm sure this isn't everything either :[ But as you hopefully know, I'm sick.. so sick I called bullets colons and my spelling is probably terrible.. along with my holocaust against syntax
OK, you've got a lot of crap going on right now. I'm a bit swamped until tomorrow morning, so I'm just going to give you some really basic overreaching info. Later, once I've got a spare moment, I can come back and address some of these things more in depth. And hopefully, by then, others will have jumped in and told you what you need to hear, anyway. First and foremost, suicide. If you feel yourself getting too close, call a prevention line. In fact, stop reading this post now, look one up, and write it down so it's convenient if you need it. Don't worry about if you're calling it "at the right time". If you even think it might be, it is. Secondly, as I said, you've got a lot of crap going on right now. Do what you can to simplify your life as much as you can. Since you're getting all bound up in the dating/am-i-a-slut thing, stop it. Completely. Stop dating, stop sleeping around. Keep you sex life solo until you get yourself to a better spot. As far as the "gay community" goes, I'd keep that a bit at arm's length for now. I won't go so far as to say not to talk to these people or hang out with them, but that can be a whole 'nother can of worms. There may be a lot of addition crap coming from that area, and you're not exactly in a good spot to handle much else right now. So keep it to meeting for lunch or chatting over coffee for now. Your parents are probably freaking out about the money just as much (or more) than you. Let them know you're aware of it, that you understand. Offer to help out where you can. And share the suicide number with her. Let her know that you understand what she's going through, and you're there for her. Because sometimes, that's all it takes. Good luck to you. You can get through this. Lex
Thanks lex, i was seriously dying while waiting for a response from someone.. and at least I have something to last me the night. My mom knows I know, she saw me crying one night but she never really said anything. The whole 'family' is pessimistic. I used to be optimistic :[ She's not exactly very good at keeping grown up things to herself though so I feel like I have to take the responsibility of keeping the peace in this family. Everyday, all I ever hear is her complaining about the same stuff that we can't fix any time soon... and I always tell her I know and I use logic but she's so .. dumb.. she won't follow. She's insane. And I don't know what you meant, but I'm not sleeping around and I'm definately not dating. And I understand the gay community and the can of worms, that's why I'm so scared, but I don't know where else to go. Still, thanks for replying :[
Hey Paralyzer, First off, I am sorry for what you are going through. Just by your rapid change in your school records, I can see how much of a toll all of these events are taking on you. I also know what it feels like to experience most of the things you said - all except for the money part (always been in a middle class family). I went to middle and high school, was the nerdy type, and I thought I had a great handful of friends. Well, friends that were my friends when I let them copy my homework or helped them study for midterms and finals. In high school, and then later on in college, the new crowd I got involved with were my friends whenever they needed a ride somewhere. In all honesty, all I have left in my life is the remaining six people in my family that I care about and that care about me, and my two best friends (who are actually brothers). That's it. One of the brothers has a girlfriend now, so I don't see him very much. The other works long hours, so we hang out once or twice a week. Other than that, its just me. He works late Friday nights quite often, so you know what my Friday nights are like? Watching Monk on TV, then a movie, and then usually bed. Last weekend, I didn't leave the house since I got home on Friday until I had to go to work on Monday. This weekend, I went to dinner with my friend and we watched some football this afternoon... that's it. My point is that life has ups, and life has downs. I've known I was gay for a long time, but didn't come out until this past summer. I never gave myself the opportunity to have a boyfriend and feel the love of having a boyfriend. You are a large step ahead of me there. Now, I have a feeling about what you are going through. But you know what, much worse has happened. My neighbor is 32 years old, a straight guy. He was engaged to this woman who was not exactly faithful. She slept around left and right, and actually contracted HIV, and gave it to him. Now, he's single, no self esteem, and has HIV. Certain instances of life sucks, but you know what, you've probably heard it before, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I truthfully believe that. It may seem like an odd thing to say, but you will someday look back on that and shake your head. You sound like a very intelligent person, and a caring one. I can feel your attachment to Will. Trust me, you will find someone to replace him in your mind and heart. Just don't rush into anything. And certainly, do not "whore" yourself around. Look at me, I am 24 years old and a virgin. I haven't had sex with anything but my own hand. I've worked out the past year and have re-defined my body. I could probably sleep around, but why? I am one day going to meet a man who will take me off my feet and I will fall in love with him, and it will be a special relationship. You will, too. Don't do anything now that could sacrifice that from happening in the future. One idea here, have you thought about a part time job? That may be the best thing - help you focus, get your mind off your personal issues, and help bring in a little extra cash to the family. Just something to think about. Maybe a local restaurant or deli neds some help in the kitchen. Or maybe Starbucks or McDonalds or something of that nature. Just an idea. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to. I am doing a lot of travel for my job, but I will always have time for someone who wants to talk. You'll get through this. Best wishes.
Lexington and ScentedRegrets have already said most of the things I was going to suggest, but I thought it might be nice to respond anyway. Definitely get the number for the suicide hotline in your phone. The national number is just 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). I have used it a couple of times when I was feeling suicidal. It helps when you're losing it and just need someone to talk to. I don't know, man I'm terrible at giving advice, but my heart goes out to you. I was also going to suggest a part-time job. You meet people, earn money, feel productive... I'm sorry I don't know what else to say. I wish I had some good, concrete things to help you with your problems, but I don't. I feel like I've been there, but I don't know how I got out. I guess just try to take your life one day at a time. Things change, people change - for better and worse. Problems are unavoidable, but soluble. Feel free to pm me if you need any more rambling, cliche, buck-up-isms.
OK, got a bit more time now. Lemme address a couple things I didn't last night. >>>Everyday, all I ever hear is her complaining about the same stuff that we can't fix any time soon... and I always tell her I know and I use logic but she's so .. dumb.. she won't follow. She's insane. It sounds as though your mother might be depressed. And not in the "yeah, stupid gargoyle, of course she's depressed - look what she's going through" sort of way, but full-on, clinically depressed. When you're depressed, logic sort of takes a back seat. I went through a bout of depression earlier this year. While walking back to work from lunch, a fire truck drove by. That's it. Just a fire truck. Didn't even have its lights on. But for the next twenty minutes, all I could think about was my house on fire and my cats burning to death. In 3D, stereo sound, the whole nine yards. Doesn't sound very "logical", does it? The brain can go off-whack a bit. It happens. It's like any other body part - sometimes it just doesn't work exactly right. And the right move there is to get it looked into. I know money's really tight right now, but most areas have low- to no-cost counseling available. You might want to Google "(your city) free counseling" and see what you come up with. Until that time, just BE there for her. Don't try to solve her problems. But listen to them. Nod. Say "yeah, that sucks". That can be a great help, in much the same way that my mini-response to you last night helped you. Quite often, we don't want (or at least expect) our problems solved. We want our problems shared, or listened to. That's something you can offer. OK, other stuff. Money problems. Sorry, they suck. Luckily for me, it's been awhile since I really wrestled with poverty, but I was there for awhile. My diet at that time was nothing for breakfast, the two Big Macs for two bucks special at McDonald's for lunch, and crackers (or popcorn - special treat!) for dinner. Not much you can do except: 1. accept that this is the way things will be for the time being 2. do what you can to keep things from getting worse 3. know that, eventually, things WILL get better You say your old computer is rendering you unable to do stuff with your friends online. If that means online gaming and stuff, then yeah, it's gonna. If these are RL friends, you can always ask if you can come to their house and watch. But then you'll be a passive observer rather than an active participant, and that might not be much fun for you. (I actually kinda like it myself.) Or if they're not RL friends, you may just have to suck it up and move down a notch. Find some online activities that don't take as much computer oomph. (EC chat room - ahem.) You might also try what I did when I was deep in the hole - befriending my local library. I'd check out four to five books a week, and tear through them. I learned a lot, learned a couple new hobbies to try out, and expanded my mind something fierce. Re: your ex. Try to alter your mindset a bit. Because it ends up you weren't in love with him. You were in love with an alternate version of him. One that, sadly, doesn't exist. Not much else to do but to ignore him for awhile while you work on getting better. Re: school. Make this priority one. Because if anything is your ticket out, it's this. Do what you have to pull this one out of the gutter. Focus all your attention here. Start studying at the library, where there aren't as many distractions. Friends, family, finances - push that all aside, and write yourself that kick-ass essay. Not only will this pay off in the long run, it'll pay off in the short run, too. Getting those grades back up will probably give a much-needed boost to that ego of yours. Enough. Go out and kick some ass. Lex
Lex hit all the major points but I really do want to reinforce what he said about the money issues. When I was younger my mom had to work 2 jobs to make ends meet and we lived on a diet of peanut butter and jelly and Ramen soup. It took a while, but now we live very comfortably. So while right now the financial situation is less than ideal, Lex is right its not permanent.
Hi there. I'm really sorry to hear about your current situation. I've contemplated suicide before as well - and thankfully I too reached out for some help, just as you have here. But it's a very lonely and scary place to be. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug! (*hug*) You've got some great advice. Talking to someone in person would be really really helpful. If there aren't services available (although I would think that there are), just talk to a counsellor at your school. It might be helpful if you told someone at school what was going on - they might cut you a bit of slack in terms of your grades. Tell them about the situation at home. Tell them about your struggle around your orientation and how that has been weighing on you. I bet they'd be really understanding, and you'd feel better. PM me if you want to chat one on one too - OK? I don't want you to feel like you're all alone in this, because you're not. Try not to be so down on gay aspect of your life. Nobody needs to 'whore themselves up' to fit in. It just seems that way, because the guys that do talk about it, and the guys that don't, don't. But there are LOTS of us here that remained virgins into our 20s! Some longer. And that's not a problem. There is WAY more to life than having sex (despite what you see on TV and in the movies). Your family IS important and probably SHOULD be the people you're closest with. Especially when times are tough. Your mom needs help. I remember as a kid thinking the same thing about my mom. Why wouldnt' she get help for her depression? If she felt bad, why wouldnl't she go see the doctor? When I offered solutions, why didn't she ever act on them? It was extremely frustrating. However, as I got older, I started to see how she felt. I had some of those overwhelming feelings that I think she was suffering from. But I did get help. I did talk to someone. So work on yourself, and when you're feeling better turn your attention to those around you. It's not easy. Not easy at all. Life sucks some times. But the sucky times make the good times feel really good. And there are good times coming your way - no doubt about it. Good luck. Thanks for reaching out. I hope hearing from some of us has helped. PM me if you want to chat more. You can do it.
wow that's alot of stuff going on right there. I'd say focus on your mom and help her cope and try and find a part time job to help around. I know that might sound more simple than done considering the economy. and the whore aspect, I went through phases like that during college and trust me it hurt me more than i can ever imagine, don't do that to yourself and don't risk the amount of bad things that can happen with that which is emotional attachment and of course the STDs. Finding the right person for a relationship is hard and often really heartbreaking but that's all you can do until you find the right person. everyone else gave great advice and don't worry things will get better they always do.
Alright guys.. After everything that I was feeling last night, and the leftover feelings I had when I woke up, I decided to do something a little bold on my part. I went to school, and decided to check out guidance. The lady at the front desk was an absolute betch, but I stayed and waited for my counselor to be free so I could talk to her. It's really weird to come out to adults. We touched every point made here and we got to the relationship part last because I was so hesitant to talk about it. I'm still overly confused about all the events and pressure in my life, and I'm still not sure how I'm going to make it out of this, but she helped organize my thoughts and now she's trying to get me financial help in both the school and free counseling/medication for my mom and I. Honestly, I don't really know what to say. My mind is almost completely empty when last night it was exploding. I'm not at peace but I'm not hurting either. I'm just.. here.. I don't know how long it will be before things start picking up.. but I feel like I can survive the week. My counselor also made me feel slightly better in school because she reinforced that fact that I'm 'smart.' I've got a good GPA so she told me there is a strong chance that my future won't be as dark as I see it. The reason I felt it was dark was because after doing so well, I hated watching all my effort burn right in front of me. I thank everyone so hard for the support. I'm definately gonna try helping my mom.. but I know things with her will probably never be sane again. The marraige and me (hopefully) getting ready for college and leaving her will be her breaking point. She thinks about how I've grown all the time. I guess what everything in this dilema revolves around is finding your place in society and life... I'm sure there's a lot more to say, but seriously, since that conversation with my counselor, my mind has been fogged up beyond belief. I couldn't even remember how to label a simple graph. I'll feel bad if I don't thank you guys... though I'm not exactly sane and happy yet x_x still, I'm not like.. uber suicidal. otc877, thanks for being the first to respond. Your words made me feel like I'm not wasting my time on here Lex, you help everybody.. probably when you don't even want to. I'm sure you get frustrated after a while, but I'm sure you also know what you say makes a huge difference to the op's life deciscions and feelings. Thanks for the moral boosting, common sense when my mind failed, and odd humor.. Scented Regrets, I'll definately keep your story in mind. I've tried hard, and I've honestly pushed my family a good way into the modern age in terms of priority.. but then again I also feel like it's my fault that we're now falling backwards. I really need to keep my wit and what innocence I have left. Good luck to you too. Agerardii, thanks for replying :] but yeah, I'll keep that suicide number in mind. Midnight Angel, thanks for replying.. xD Jim, I really hope I find some more people like me. It's just hard when all the hot ones are out and about and ready to screw.. it's so weird and scary. Thanks for the support krazykyle, yeah, I'm looking for a job but no one ever hires me. They hire everyone else at my school though.. that pisses me off, but w/e :[ I'll try and stay optimistic that things will get better. thanks Tess and Amy, thanks for the pm's. They were sweet I'm glad to know even if I can't really talk to people in real life, I can at least have someone to vent to online. Myzou/Tim, you deserve thanks too :] So yeah, thanks for helping me keep what sanity I have. Hopefully this whole counselor thing will boost my morale enough for me to be happy again.. and my mom too. And maybe I will find friends within the gay community.. now that it exists to me.. Thanks EC
That's SO AWESOME! I'm glad your counsellor was so helpful. That's the way they are supposed to be, even if all of them aren't. (You'd think the secretary would be a little more pleasant, but we all have our issues...) It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It's a sign of strength and intelligence. Don't ever hesitate to post here about your problems. And if things are really dark, send me or another moderator a PM.
I'm glad you went to your counselor. Everyone has given you some great advice. When I was your age my family had money problems. My dad had his own business and it fell apart. We wound up loosing our home. Just be there for your mom. Also keep up with school and your grades. If you get good grades there is a good chance you can get some scholarships and grants for college. I almost dropped out of college when I lost my home but after talking with my mom for a while I decided to stick it out. I set my mind to school and graduated with honors. Once I graduated I got a job and was able to give money to my parents which helped them out. Good luck! (*hug*)
You without a doubt made the best move you could've. (I guess it would've been smart of me to follow up my "I was depressed" story with "and then I went to a professional" bit! ) No, this won't solve all our problems. But as they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. Your burden is a bit lighter today, and you're seeing some light in the darkness. Keep at it. Lex
Glad everything with the counselor worked out Steven. Hopefully something really good comes from it Never even occured to me the school counselor, wasn't sure you'd wanna go to her/him after talking to you for so long lol Hope this week goes well for you, keep us updated if something happens
hang in there paralyzer i know the economy is bad so its hard even for part time jobs at a local mall store or something. the store i work for for example turned down so many applications recently because were not even selling enough to pay for the associates' hours so most hours have been cut. Just keep trying...and continue talking to the counselor and don't end up down the road many of us have taken and fortunately and luckily have survived many don't. I know exactly how you feel in terms of friendships just try and talk to your counselor cause that's what they are there for.
