So tired..

Sorry in advanced that this might be long, but I just feel like I need to type it all to figure things out..

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I've never really thought about my sexuality until I was in my teens. In High School, I developed a massive crush on my best friend (who is still my best friend til this very day). She was straight but was flirty by nature. She would hold my hands and ask jokingly if she could kiss me, we would cuddle when we sleep over. It was tough because I knew it would never go anywhere, and I had times where I had to purposely distance myself from her because it would be too much or I would get jealous when she jokes around like that with other girls.

At the beginning of university, my best friend got into her first official relationship with a man. I was so hurt when I found out and I knew I had to distance myself from her again. At that time, I became close to a girl that I met through another friend. We spent a lot of time together, and it helped me distract from my best friend. After a few months, this new girl confessed that she had feelings for me.. and we started dating.

It was a weird, crazy mess. Neither of us were ready to accept that we might possibly be lesbians. (It sounds crazy at this point but I hadn't actually thought much about the fact that I wasn't straight) We are both from fairly traditional asian families so we both agreed to keep it a secret, and we would mostly only meet at her house when no one was home. We would make out and fool around a bit but never really went all the way because we were both afraid that her mum would come home and we would get caught.

This went on for about a year until she broke up with me, saying that she couldn't possibly tell her family that she is dating a woman. She asked if we could just be friends. I agreed. That was another crazy mess. We couldn't really bring ourselves to stay apart, there were constant fighting and making up, and finally after about two more years and too many hurtful words, we decided to cut the relationship completely.

At this stage my mum started to notice and questioned whether I was in a relationship with the girl. Finally after being asked a few times, I confessed and told her that I may be gay. She got very quiet and said "No, you are not."

She then spent the next several months repeatedly telling me that I am not gay and that I was being manipulated. I was already depressed from the whole deal with the girl, and with other issues in my life and I really didn't need this on top of it. t told her that I won't ever be dating anyone, male or female, and I've made up my mind to remain single for the rest of my life. That cut down a lot of her negative comments and gave me a peace of mind.

Fast forward 4 years later. I am here today, single, and still only out to a handful of friends. I haven't had a relationship since then, and I almost feel like I've cut off those kinds of emotions entirely. My mum still makes some remarks occasionally about me getting married and having children, but I keep telling her that I plan to remain single. Honestly, it's getting tiring.

I'm not the kind of person who needs someone to fulfil me. I am very much capable of being independent and being alone. But it would be nice to spend my life with someone. And in retrospect, it doesn't make sense that I should remain single forever just because my mum cannot accept that I'm gay.

And am I gay? Evidence and statistics would say that I am - I'm more attracted to women, and I've never had a strong attraction to men but at the same time, my mind would like to believe that gender should not matter. I don't know. Before high school, I would also develop micro crushes on really feminine boys. (who later I found out were all gay, so I guess I had amazing gaydar). I've had guys asked me out in the past but it never felt natural to say yes.

Although I'm not fully out, a few people do ask whether I am a lesbian. I guess it's quite obvious because I don't participate much when they talk about guys or dating, and I also have pretty short hair. It's hard for me to just come out and say yes though. At the back of my mind I'm still worried about my mother. I know I shouldn't let her opinion affect me, but we have gone through a lot in our lives and I worry for her because she gets depressed easily, and being traditional, she cares a lot about what relatives and other people may think.

Although I feel like I should start dating again and possibly coming out, I also feel like I've become very emotionally numb and very much out of the game. I'm also very introverted and I don't like the idea of meeting my potential partner in a club or bar. I've thought about using those dating apps but I wouldn't want the other girl to think I'm looking for a hook up. It seems silly to be 28 years old and be so inexperienced, yet I probably just want to take things very slow at this point..

Sorry that this is super long! Any advice about coming out or dealing with very traditional parents would be very much appreciated.