Almost 30...sick of living a lie..but don't have any easy choices

Hey okccpdude. Reading your story was painful. This kind of beliefs are extreme for a person living in the west. Your parents are both crazy and psycopath and you may love them, but they do not love the real you. They love and idealized and fake image of you. I repeat, they do not love you. I don't think they love anything for that matter, except their twisted beliefs. The only reasonable option is too move away from them by all means, as economically difficult it may be. Seriously, get the fuck out of there. They don't need to know about your sexuality. You are quite young, you can build your own family with REAL love.

Remember that you have a community here if you need to talk. I know a family that is estranged simply because the parents are such horrible people that disowned one of the daughters without any apparent reason. It might be not very common, but happens and I think in your case cutting the contact again is the only solution, because if you do not do that, you might be getting more and more depressed to the point of doing something stuppid. Do you imagine five or ten years living exactly like you are now??

You woudln't be destroying anything. Your parents choose to destroy because they choose to believe things that doesn't have any support behind them, instead of loving and accepting you. They are fucked up, although I know you know that already.

Life is being unfair with you. But please keep going. look for an objective. A hobby. Whatever helps you to get out of that place and to distract your mind from your problems. We are with you.

Do you have siblings? Any extended family? Are they like your parents?

 

Maybe you could try to reestablish contact with your ex boyfriend? Have you two been in contact since 2010?

 

Whatever decision you take, I wish you all the luck in the world. Go to the gym, learn a new language, technology,...If you are stuck with them for a while, at least you dedicate the time to yourself. And in a few years, you will look back and see who things have improved. Your parents cant control anymore your mind and heart, and that is the most important step. I think you will be happy. And I'm totally sure you will be free.

 

First off, I'm sorry for what's going on in your life. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better because it sounds like you recognize the situation you're in. It's hard when it comes to family, I completely understand that. I think the best option for you is to save up and move out. There's no other way to go around this. You love your parents so much that's why you don't want to hurt them, so the chance of you living your REAL life seems impossible to you. Step away from your family, take a breather, do things on your own and live your own life. That's what you need to do. You don't need to come out to your family again. Just get a way for awhile to gather your thoughts so you can fine "you" again and be happy. You're almost 30, but it doesn't mean that it has to be over. I know you feel really depressed, as if you can't do anything for yourself. You've got to look forward and focus on separating yourself from your family first so that you can do you. You really need to focus on you, you understand that right? Your parents may NEVER understand homosexuality, you can't sit around and waste your life trying to please them. I know this is a very difficult task, but that's the only way you can get out of this mess. Everything else, deal with it later. When the time is right, things will fall where they need to be. Don't let negative thoughts cloud your mind, don't let excuses cloud your mind. Do you and only you from here on out.

I'm 28 this year and I barely came out too. So trust me when I understand the amount of time you've "wasted" by not being able to be you. But that's alright, everything you've gone through in the past 29 years it's not all a waste, they build you as a person to make you stronger today. Cheer up, and work on your way to be a happier person. I know you can do it.

 

Sell the car to pay it off; keep paying on the credit cards, they don't care if you ever pay them off as long as you make payments. Start looking for another job in a city with larger gay populations, where you can be yourself. You are old enough to move out on your own, and do not have to answer to your parents for anything about your sexual preferences or orientation. If they are the kind with religious beliefs bordering on mental illness, you are never going to be able to live a normal life in their close proximity, and will be constantly "escaping" through alcohol or drug abuse. Do it the healthy way and move into a healthier environment well away from them.

 

My comments:

You'll likely need a car in most major US cities. I'm guessing the OP lives in Oklahoma City based on his user name, and is contemplating a move to Dallas, which is about three hours to the south along I-35. Dallas is a car-dependent city, so it may make the most sense to just keep paying on that car until the loan is paid off.

For others reading this thread, some advice: NEVER allow yourself to be upside-down on a car loan. This means your repayment schedule on a new car should max out at 4-5 years. If your car is totaled due to weather or an accident, the insurance settlement would pay off the loan balance. Or if you need to trade for a different type of vehicle, you wouldn't start out with crushing negative equity.

If you own your home, it may have appreciated enough in value the last few years to consider selling and using the proceeds to retire other debt (credit cards and car loan) and/or fund a move. If you're living in an apartment, timing the move at the end of a lease is the least expensive way (no financial penalties). This might require moving without a new job, but then you are a "local" candidate and it's easier than looking for work from afar.

Other than that, I'd say to put all your effort into lining up that new job so you can get away from the fundie relatives. The estranged relatives may be more sympathetic than you think, especially if you reach out and tell them you no longer buy into your biological family's extremist interpretation of Christianity. Wouldn't hurt to try to re-establish contact (doesn't require coming out as gay, just telling them you are oppressed by religious fundamentalism) and see if they know anything about job opportunities elsewhere, a more progressive church, etc.

 

in a really similar situation to you man, i'm 30 next month, i've got a severe drink problem and i ain't out, though my excruciatingly fundie mother knows i've been with guys... i never had the whole coming out conversation with anyone, it was just kind of assumed i'm bi, with accompanying sighs of relief when i ended up in hetero relationships that made me really unhappy. i swept it all to the side and accepted while my drinking got completely out of hand, and i've been stuck behind a computer depressed as shit, completely isolated. i don't have much to do with any of my family. deactivated facebook and all.

i'm with you on the jaded misanthropy. you ain't alone.

 

My narrow advice is to find more and more positive things in your life: exercise, education, more/better friends (irrespective of sexual attractions). I'm trying to follow my own advice in my own life and it's helping [me].

You'll be on my mind. Stay strong.

 

damn...

Well if it was me i would move across the country and honestly never speak to them again, but thats just me.

Either way your happiness is the most important. People like your parents see god as their one and only moral compass. they can only change if they want to accept you, which may already seem like they won't.

My only advice is to get out as quickly as possible

 

I'd say just disappear from their lives. There is no way around it. You cannot have any contact with these people. Sadly, it sounds as though your parents are mentally unbalanced and borderline delusional. Unfortunately, there usually isn't anything that you can do to dissuade these kinds of beliefs or lessen them. They completely and 100% believe that all the things they said are true beyond a shadow of a doubt no matter what anyone else says.

 

I have a friend who is also 30, and not out to his parents, although he thinks they might have surmised something about him by now. His dad is a preacher, and somewhat homophobic. He lives 1200 miles from them, visits once or twice a year, and does what he wants to do where he usually lives. So in effect, he has "rejected" living his life for them, but allows them to be what they are, while he is who he is. He is naturally financially independent by this time, so he can pretty much do what he wants to. I have talked to him about coming out to them, stressing that it is not his fault that he was born gay, he has done nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong about being gay. He just doesn't want to cause them discomfort, at the expense of (I think) delaying his own total development. But, he is a really nice guy, doing what he wants to do, and handling it the way he wants to, so I just give him a hug and tell him whatever he wants to do is his decision and I support him no matter what.

 

reading this story make me think about how i would always get caught up deeply in my own problems and get over-saturated by it. But then, you have it worse. I think you need a friend. Someone to give you the courage you will need to get through the recurring sandstorm - whether you want to get out of it or build resistance inside it

 

Go ahead and let them have their tantrum. That is all they can do, at this point. I know the whole drill: one threatens to disown you, the other threatens to kill herself, they start crying about the end of times, they stonewall you for a few months and pout, but look, it passes.

If they are trying to monitor what you do online, they know as well as you do that the fact that you are gay is not going to change. They are clinging to a fantasy, and they know it.

 

The only thing I will say is that it's your life not your parents life. I've had lots of money and then had to file bankruptcy. You'll recover. Money is not the most important thing in life. Your happiness is.

I'm 51 and I just Came Out. I've never been happier. People tell me everyday how happy I look. Time for you to do the same.

As much as your afraid to start a new chapter of your life you must. You spoke of your anger issues. I was always angry. Always had a chip on my shoulder. Trust me it's gone now.

It's YOUR LIFE. Live I how you want.

 

What 50ishandout just said, about being happy, well, ditto! And hello to you all. I am 54, brand new here, and also living in a "closed-minded" environment from which I felt there was no escape. I spent several years of my life just trying to be invisible. It may not happen overnight, but with all the support offered here, I believe you can, and deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life. We all have our own journeys. For me, realising that I needed to own my own power as a human being, led to finding and utilizing everything possible to strengthen my self. The whole spectrum. For me. Self care. Someone else mentioned regular exercise. Treating myself as if I was a loved one who needed my support (because I was!), the list goes on. It is amazing. I got to a stage when I was able to identify how I was hurting myself, and started replacing those negatives with healthier alternatives. One of my biggest personal transitions was stopping the alcohol cycle, and very quickly a huge chunk of depression and anxiety was significantly reduced. Anyway, bottom line, keep believing in you, ya? That's a great place to start. Thanks for listening. Hope it's helpful.

 

Great reply Gratitude. We substitute various substances and actions for Happiness. Being Free is true Happiness.