Hello everyone, As many of you, I have a problem coming out. In my home country, my closest friends know about me and my family kind of suspects that I'm a lesbian, since they ran into my ex girlfriend a couple of times. However, they seem to be in denial, since no one took it seriously. It's pretty serious for me though, since I'm in my fourth relationship now. I'm living in another country, I moved out three years ago. The lady I'm seeing this time is quite open minded and she's trying to convince me that the world won't judge me and practically doesn't really care who I am dating. I get anxious easily and hanging out with her friends as a couple really wears me out. I feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong, even if we are just holding hands. Have you ever felt the same? I'm a pretty private person and I dislike public displays of affection. I don't know whether my feeling has to do with that or with the fact that I have to come out to people all of the time, but I would really like to get rid of it. All I want is to see her happy, but I hate suppressing this feeling since it builds up and we end up having a fight. If you have any tips on dealing with this type of situation, please let me know.
Sorry I may not be of much help as I'm not very experienced with relationships. It's clear that you care about this girl a lot and want to make her happy. But in order to do that, I think you first need to make yourself happier first. You need to get used to the idea that you're gay and come to accept it more. Honestly, what's helped me the most with this is this website. I didn't know very much about the LGBT+ community in general before I started coming to this site and now I see that there are so, so many people out there like me and people can be attracted to all different types of people. So my advice to you would be to continue going to this site and meeting more people (once you make 10 posts you can start wall messaging people) and also just immersing yourself in LGBT+ culture a bit more. Maybe join an LGBT+ group if you can or go to a pride festival. Try to get to know more LGBT+ people and talk about current LGBT+ issues more if that interests you and see how others feel about them. You were raised thinking that being gay is kind of rare and maybe a bit weird and if that makes you aprehensive, that's nothing to be ashamed of. But now it's time for you to work on that a bit, not only to make your girlfriend happy, but to make yourself happy. That's most important. It's possible you're just not ready to be as affectionate as your girlfriend would like and you have to take that into consideration. You shouldn't rush and try to make yourself happy even if you're not. These things take time, but just try to keep thinking positively and noticing the LGBT+ community around you and on EC and you'll probably start to get more used to it. Maybe talk to your girlfriend about this and about why you may feel weird showing affection in public (calmly) and hopefully she'd be understanding. Maybe you could ask her to help you get used to it slowly, like by just holding hands for a while. I hope this helps and I wish you luck!<3
Well, I can only speak from the perspective of having been in two long-term relationships, both exceeding four years and the first one ending well with my ex telling me I really ought to see what more there is to life than just being sheltered by him (he is a wonderful, nurturing man), the second...uh, saner world, and I'd be called a widower. ALSO a great relationship. Anyway, you are going to have fights about your differences of opinion. General relationship advice: don't be afraid to quarrel, but learn to use humor when you quarrel. Try to learn how to defuse anger by turning what started out as an insult into a joke, and be willing to apologize for the things you shouldn't have meant but did at the time. Conflict is healthy if you learn how to manage it effectively, but it can kill a relationship if you don't. Some people are just more exhibitionist than others. You can sometimes learn to be a little bit more open about doing things like holding hands in certain public places, but there is only so far that she will be able to change you. She's going to have to accept, eventually, that you're going to have to find a middle-ground that works for you, and be firm on the fact that you can humor her needs, as much as you can, because you love her but that she will not, at heart, ever change you. That's an important line to draw...that nobody has a right to change you, even if you choose, sometimes, to swallow your pride out of love. If you can establish that fundamental guideline, then I think that anything else is "knitting." Knitting, you know, like tedious details. Yeah.
I think I can relate to your feeling! Although you want to make her happy, you should think about what coming out means to you. I'm only out to a couple of friends but I do think that being in closet does make me anxious and unable to fully be myself, it's quite suffocating. In that sense could it be why you feel uncomfortable showing affection in public? Or maybe you just naturally don't like that kind of thing, that's okay too. Either way I think your girlfriend would understand that this is a process that takes time. I hope you guys can sort things out!
