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Telling My Parents About My Online Girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PrincessAngel, Jun 15, 2015.

  1. PrincessAngel

    Regular Member

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    So last time I made a post here in September when I was questioning my orientation everyone was so amazing and helpful (thank you so much it was really great to have that support!) so I thought I would ask for some help about my current situation...

    My parents were told by me sometime last early fall that I was pretty sure I was bi and they kind of blew it off as a phase or as something I was overthinking and probably would only seem true to me because I was overthinking and I'm sure that I'm bi and maybe even pan now (I prefer not to use a label honestly) but now I have a girlfriend and she's online and was never properly introduced or mentioned a lot to my parents when we were just friends... both of us want to be "facebook official" and open about this relationship but I'm really unsure how to tell them? Or if I should just change my facebook status and have them confront me about it themselves? Or something else? Please, I'm having really bad anxiety and panic over this and I really need some advice ;-; :help:
     
  2. bubbles123

    bubbles123 Guest

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    I would talk to them more about your sexual orientation first. Even though you don't label, your parents would probably be double shocked if you just sprung the whole girlfriend thing on them. Sit down with them and reassure them that you like all genders and you know it's not a phase.

    Then you should think about telling them about the girlfriend. Do you ever skype chat with her? It might help if you could introduce your parents to her face-to-face since when most parents hear that you're dating someone online, they may get scared just because they're not used to that kind of thing and may worry about your safety.

    When you tell them, you should consider these things:
    1) I think most parents would at first be kind of against the idea of an online relationship just because when they were younger they obviously didn't have that option and it's weird to them to love someone you met over the internet.
    2) It's possible they may react badly at first just because they want to be sure you're safe and not talking to some person online that you don't know that well.

    I don't mean to scare you, but just if they're not accepting at first you shouldn't necessarily take it personally because they could just be scared about the whole thing and they may just need time to get used to it.
    Perhaps you could approach it by telling them it's like a long distance relationship rather than just saying "online girlfriend". Even though it's the same thing to you, the term "online girlfriend" can just have a totally different connotation for them so it would be better if you explained it as a long-distance relationship.

    I hope this helps and good luck!<3
     
  3. Christiaan

    Christiaan Guest

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    The instant I saw this, my first thought was, "Loss of Internet access!" thereby loss of access to your sweetheart. If you come out to your parents, then I would try to make sure she has your mailing address (and a pro-LGBT friend's mailing address) and phone number (and vice versa, plus that of a friend) and warn her. It might be necessary for the two of you to get creative, for a while, to continue contact. Sometimes, parents go through a phase where they try to isolate their children to protect them from perceived danger.

    As harmful as this actually is and as likely as it is to lead ultimately to permanent estrangement, it is often the instinct of a well-meaning parent, except that if the child does not show gratitude, total cooperation, absolute submission and total lack of interest in having a soul, upon being treated as such, this could lead to a secondary reaction of rejection, quarrels, arguments, and endless hostilities that could last for years.

    This doesn't mean you shouldn't come out. Far from it. However, if their immediate perception is that some Internet "predator" has turned you the "wrong way," this could lead to trouble and possibly a refusal, by them, to EVER believe, until you're old enough for your GRANDCHILDREN to file for social security, that you became a lesbian for any reason other than being "corrupted" by this person. They might never believe that you were ever anything but their morally perfect and Godly heterosexual, little girl before someone else "ruined" you, which I can assure you would piss you off. Making it clear, from the outset, that your sexual orientation is a SEPARATE thing from your interactions with others could make a big difference, in your case, in my perception.

    On the other hand, it can be the opposite for adults. When parents HAVE to accept their child's partner in order to continue having access to their child, they are a lot more likely to come around. They no longer have the ability, if their children are adults, to shelter them by force. This was the case with my parents, when I came out. They realized immediately that they could accept my ex (along with the fact that I was gay) or lose me permanently.

    I was an adult, though. They had no illusion that they could wrap a plastic bubble around me and isolate me forever from the corrupted world outside, whereas, because you are a teenager, I'm afraid that your parents still are likely to have illusions that you can be molded like mindless clay to the whims of others, including themselves and especially to outsiders.

    My vote is orientation first, girlfriend second. Don't be afraid to come out just because I gave you a scary-sounding scenario. You just want to be assertive about the fact that they aren't going to change you and can't be changed by anyone else, either. Since they have brought the topic up with you, it sounds like they might be unusually open to discussing your orientation if you start there.

    ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2015 at 12:28 PM ----------

    Wait, I misperceived that they had brought it up with you. I reread, and you had brought it up with them. I apologize for my carelessness. But still, since they didn't go berserk the first time, you've opened the door. To step out, you just have to be self-assertive.

    Being self-assertive means being too strong-willed to become angry. It means being too wise to judge them for being protective or concerned (for which they should actually be praised, except in light of the circumstances). That is ADULT self-assertiveness and, by far, most likely to win confidence
     
    #3 Christiaan, Jun 15, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2015