Hello! Well I really don't know what you'll make of my situation, maybe you've come across the same issues before, but I'm really hoping to get some advice. I'm a lady in her early 20s, am an African, am from a very religious background, but I moved to England 2yrs ago. To be honest I've always known I was different from a tender age, was a tomboy, still am. At around the age of 10 I found myself admiring girls when all my female friends smucked for boys and all. I was worried for a while but ignored it. Come beginning of highschool, just before I turned 13, my feelings pretty much grew stronger, and it was then I found out what 'homosexuality' was, because where I come from such issues were, and still are, taboo- you just wouldnt bring it up. So I called 'Childline' and was told it was a phase. I took that on board and tried to ignore it all, but by the time I turned 16 I thought 'golly, this sure is a loooooooooong phase' and I knew for sure that I was lesbian. In highschool I was seen as a happy-going girl, but to be honest when night-time fell...so did my tears. I was deeply hurt because I knew if I tried to be 'me', it would break my loved ones' hearts, especially my family. I'm a Christian and it just makes matters worse to think that the belief is it's a sin to...dearie me, i just dont know anymore. My so-called bestfriend in highschool caught me one evening, crying, and she insisted I told her what was up...i was hesitant but I ended up telling her. She was clearly shocked, but told me she didnt care, that she's always be there for me. But the very next morning I saw a note next to me and my bestie had written about how 'she didnt want to be friends anymore' and how she 'was scared it would pass on to her'...(this happened when I was still in Africa). I dont blame her for saying that, as hurtful as it was, but it's just a cultural belief that it's wrong, and growing up that's what we were told to believe. Now i'm in a country that's a lot more accepting, surely I shouldnt be afraid to be me...but my parents are around, and I'm just so scared to come out. I know for sure I'll be disowned, I know, it's reality. So I've decided it's best I keep to myself and never be in a relationship. If i were to date guys, i'd be lying to them;myself. If I did find a girl I liked, I dont think she's want to be in an 'underground' relationship, I'm sure she'd want to meet my family and friends, so I wouldnt want her to have to go through that trauma. So as unethical as it seems- i might as well be single for the rest of my life, because it saves me having to hurt my family, because in theory if i put my happiness first- i wont be happy for long, because my happiness would hurt those that love me. I really dont know how to cope, because it really is affecting my performance in university, and I've developed a very low self-esteem. Is there any way I could deal with all this? I'm so sorry for the long post, but I just havent opened up in ages and I feel like exploding now. Thanks for spending a bit of time reading this. Bless.:tears:
Welcome to EC! Well, there's a few things you might consider. Not necessarily run out and try, but mull over. * You can move somewhere a bit further away from your parents, and get into a relationship there. * You can simply leave those two parts of your life separate. Date who you want, sleep with who you want, and just don't talk to your parents about it. If they ask, say you haven't found a guy yet, no, and you're still looking. * You can attempt to re-evaluate your parents' attitudes. Surely they see more homosexuality here, and see that their lives are NOT so miserable as all that. And give the choice of their daughter forcing "a round peg into a square hole" and being miserable, or doing something of which they disapprove, but being happy...would they definitely pick the former? Lex
Hi Lex, thank you so much for your response, I sure am glad to have found this website. I'll have a think about that you've said. If anything does come up I'll be sure to let you know. Thank you so much for your help. Take care.
Dear DLChic, Welcome!! I totally know what you mean - I've been in (and still am in...) the same situation! It really sucks, and I hope that you decide on the right thing to do. What seems obvious to me from your post is that (by being near bursting) you are denying this crucial part of yourself, and that's really not healthy. Maybe you should, as Lex said, move a little farther away from your parents, and start living your own life! Life as a lesbian can be wonderful, happy and exciting. I really like lesbians, and queer people in general, because they can be very accepting and kind, because they know what it's like to be rejected. I would say if you want to go for it - go for it! I fell in love with this awesome chick - she's really lovely. I started dating her. She was okay with our parents not knowing, since she hadn't really come out either. We dated for four or five months before we began to tell our parents. By that time, at least her dad could see that we were so happy together that he had no objections. I told my mom, and she said that although she's supportive of me personally, doesn't agree with my being a lesbian. While this hurts, I know that because being a Christian is such a huge part of her life, it's unlikely to change. Maybe this will happen in your circumstance too? While family is really really important, being your own person is important too, and in the long run, much more satisfying! Good luck! Liz.
Hi and welcome to EC. I'm glad you found this site as well - because it's so awesome! I'm sure it will help you start to feel mor comfortable about yourself. I think I used to think like you. Be what others want you to be. Don't disappoint other people - just stick it out for the sake of the other important people in your life. Eventually, that approach backfires. I bottled this up my entire life - and as the life I was living diverged from the life I was meant to live, I felt a huge void inside me. I filled that void with an addiction, and that worked for a while. But eventually, that just about brought everything in my life to a grinding halt. And I ended up causing MORE pain and misery to those that I love as a result. And I had to come out at that point - so the end result was the same, only I caused myself and those around me years of pain. I think it's great that you're in the process of coming out to yourself. That's sometimes the hardest part. (Coming out to parents is probably next hardest - for everyone!) If you're in university, look into attending a support group meeting or something centered around the LGBT community there. Universities are often the most liberal and accepting places to be. I'm sure you'll be welcome there. As your own confidence increases and you are able to feel better about your situation, you'll be better able to decide what to do about your parents. I separated from my wife and simply didn't tell my parents why for 9 months. It wasn't easy, but it can be done. When asked by them (or anyone) why, I simply said "the reasons are personal and I'd rather not discuss them." There's no reason why you couldnl't provide a response like that to your parents if they were to ever ask about your private life... Good luck. Hang out here - you'll feel better. I did and it really helped me. And again - welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto!
Hi, I really feel your pain. I had the same thoughts as you have right now! I used to think i will just stay single forever (or until my parents die) so that i will never need to tell them. But i would have spent a life unhappy! I am now 25 years old and i have only just come out (2 weeks ago!) and altho my mother is very upset with it, and does not like the fact that i am gay, she is happy that i told her now. Its is so much better than living a lie! I think that moving can be a good idea, you can move and make friends and so on, i also considered doing the same! But you cant move just for that reason. Why not try and make some gay friends in your area, and slowly bring that part of your life to your parents. Let them see some gay people that are nice and not what they thing they are. I really hope that you can make peace with this, and hope that you will one day soon be happy and make a choice on what you want!! Good luck!!
