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Uncertainty, over-thinking, denial: all things the same, but with no answers?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Throwaway Duck, Jun 15, 2015.

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  1. Throwaway Duck

    Throwaway Duck
    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    These posts are always so dramatic, aren't they? I start off with some long, obscure title in hopes to hook people, and then I end up just ranting forever and never getting any sort of answer, or advice, just people saying they aren't sure what to do and hope me the best. I can't say I didn't try, I guess...

    Anyway, this post. Yeah, okay.

    I've been in the closet for the last, five years? I think I've hit the six year mark, just this month. Some sort of anniversary that I never want to celebrate. However, with all this closet stuff, I've only been able to "accept" this whole gay thing for the last few months. Which, is strange and harming because now I'm just getting hit by waves of emotions repressed for years.

    I've come out to two people, willingly and while they were kind and accepting, I don't think I'm as accepting of it as I thought. I mean, I'm past all the really heavy depression/no desire to live phase. Barely made it out of that one, but I guess I'm just in that post-state of uncomfort and a bunch of different emotions I don't desire feeling.

    I just don't feel like I should be struggling as hard as I should be, it should be easier then this. I'm done with feeling sad, but that after replacing depression is exhaustion. I have trouble consulting friends and people about this, I mean, it took me a good two weeks to finally come down to a level in which I felt I wouldn't ever get better from this if I didn't post this.

    I keep searching for some sort of answer in this theoretical question, and I guess that comes a lot with aging and growing up. But, I mean, I'm getting sad again. And I don't want to feel sad again because that just means I'm moving backwards towards this going forward. I'm just uncomfortable with who I am and I don't know how to get to that state of comfort I like to believe I could feel.

    Like all of this wasn't enough, I feel as though I'm beginning to develop some sort of crush, (it's turning into one of these posts, sorry), and I know for a fact that's something I'm not ready for. I'm not ready for love, for hand-holding or bringing myself close to someone. It's something that could happen, but I'll never know because I have no desire on perusing it. I don't have time for love, love is an emotion I don't want to feel, but my heart is feeling it for me, not my head which should be right. I thought I was over it, because for a while, I thought of them and felt empty. But I saw their face again, and it all came back, stronger and it's really starting to take its toll.

    I'm just, not sure what to do? I understand that time is the only real medicine in this, but I don't know what to do in between. I feel like I have to do something, or I'm going to become all sad and dark again, like I once was. Lose everything I tried working for. Do I just do nothing, and it'll be okay? I don't know.

    Sorry, and thanks for reading, if you bother to do so.
     
    #1 Throwaway Duck, Jun 15, 2015
  2. gloomyra

    gloomyra
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Are you feeling uncomfortable with your own sexuality? It's important to be able to accept yourself, and often harder than it is for other people to accept you. I think in your case, you need to find as many close and supportive people as you can to come out to, that way you have a support group.

    You could also try seeing a counselor; many counselors have experience helping LGBT people suffering from depression. They will often list it in their credentials.

    In the mean time, try not to dwell on it. Your sexual orientation is only one small part of who you are as a person. Think of all the great qualities you have that make you who you are. Focus on other aspects of life, like hanging out with friends or doing activities you enjoy.

    And don't let having a crush make you feel bad. People are people, it doesn't matter who you like. Think of it as admiring them as a person, not just the element of attraction. Like how you are more than just your sexual orientation, there is more to your crush than just a physical attraction. If you only liked them because of their sex, you would like everyone of the same sex then, wouldn't you? But you don't, you like this person. And it's perfectly natural and healthy. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 gloomyra, Jun 15, 2015
  3. UncertainTea123

    UncertainTea123
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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Sorry things feel so tough right now.

    gloomyra seems to have offered some sound advice; I just wanted to throw in another vote for counseling. I have no idea about handling one's sexual identity, but I do know a fair amount about depression. And I will say that, for me, it has been a tremendous help to have found a good therapist. I'm not sure I would be where I am today without having that support.
     
    #3 UncertainTea123, Jun 15, 2015
  4. missleopard84

    missleopard84
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    new zealand
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Im totally understand you but im in a heterosexual relationship and trying to figure it out. Im currently so anxious and cant just be me. I really feel for you.
     
    #4 missleopard84, Jun 16, 2015
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