Hi. I dont really know what im doing, or what i expect to gain from this website, but i think maybe i just need to tell somebody, anybody, what im going through. Im not your typical gay closet story. Im the one that involves ridiculously amazing parents....thats are hardcore christian. And an awesome family (cousins and siblings, ect.)....that are also ALL hardcore christian. So what does someone like me, who has grown up in a great family environment and who believes that god exists, do when he knows he is gay. If I come out, there is no way in hell that anybody from my family will be like " oh thats okay, we just want you to be happy" or "we knew all along actually, and were just waiting for you to accept yourself'. No. If I came out there would be fights, tears, hatred, and maybe even heart attacks. Not even kidding. The thing is, i respect and love my parents so much, that i dont want to hurt them by coming out. My mom already deals with way too much crap with her job, and not to mention her parents are freaking nuts and drive her mad. So shes already way too stressed and overworked. Then there is my dad, who is the person i respect the most in my life. His dad dies when he was 12, so not only did he lack a fatherly figure, but he became the man of the house at age 13. He drove his mom around, took care of his siblings. And my entire life he had worked his ass off to pay for school, a comfortable home, and do it all with a smile on his face. He literally went from living in a trailer with his mom and two siblings, to building an amazing life for me and my siblings. So how can i possibly tell him that his son, one of the people he has worked so hard for to give all the chances he never got, is not only a homosexual, but as a result, will likely never see heaven (according to his beliefs). Its torture. Its cruel and not fare. But then there is me to think about. Because im always hiding myself, i cant make any real connections with anybody. I have lost all of my best friends because of my lack of ability to de-shield myself, to open up, and to be a genuine person. And what makes it worse, is that my biggest fear in life isnt dying, or failing, it is having to spend every day alone. Not with somebody i love. The closet is turning me into an empty and depressed person. A hateful person. Bitter, annoyed, and absolutely heartless person. When in reality im none of those things, nor do i want to become them. So the question is whether i value my own happiness over the happiness of my family. If i would be willing to hurt my family in a way they have never been hurt before, just so that i can stop lying and hating myself. Sometimes i think i should just move to another country when im graduated, and attempt to live my life away from my family, but I know i would miss them, and i would still be lying, which would continue to eat me up. And these are all my issues before even considering my faith (what little i have). Anyways, If you read all this, thanks for listening. Maybe someone who can relate has something to say.
I'll try my best to help. Regarding being out to people, even being out online can be a big help to some people. Chat and make connections on here; pretty much everyone here is open to helping you with the problems you have. You might want to find other ways of being out, possibly even attending LGBTQA... sessions just to chat and hang out. There are many groups out there, with most having measures in place to protect your identity (e.g. members can't out other members outside the group). It's a difficult one for sure. I think talking about it with people outside your family is a good option for you – keeping anything locked up inside can make you feel awful – but I know that the rest of the EC community will have many more suggestions for you, some hopefully more practical than mine. Best of luck, Connor
Hi, I also grew up in a very religious family. We all attended a fire and brimstone church.. Before I came out I imagined my parents would disown me and that my whole family would quit speaking to me if they knew I was gay. It didn't happen that way. Sure, some of them don't like my "choice" but they still love me and talk to me. They appreciate that I was honest enough to tell them myself. They didn't have to find out from someone else.(*hug*)
I would be interested to know what denomination of Christianity you/your family are members of. You said they are HARDCORE, which suggests a very conservative outlook, but I know Christians [and Churches] that are deeply committed to the fundamental values of justice, mercy and respect. Has your family ever said or done anything that would suggest they hold different ideas that would confirm your worst fears? At the moment you are dealing with all of this stress and pressure alone, with no outlet for it and that's really unhealthy. In posting here you have taken a positive step to release the pressure and that could be the most important thining you do this year. Many people on this forum are dealing with issues just like yours.. or we have been there. Talk to us and share your worries and concerns with us. It may only be a baby step, but this could be the first stage on your personal journey towards self acceptance and eventually coming out. We're not here to rush you or apply pressure, but we're here to support you as you make decisions for yourself.
This a tough message to get across, but the same misunderstanding keeps coming up again and again. You are not responsible for the mental health of your parents or other people who are upset because you were born gay. If they push themselves into a religious fervor due to their belief system, that is a problem of their own creation, and their problem to deal with. You have no control over what they imagine reality to be, and are therefore are not at fault if they go off the deep end because of a distorted belief system. It is THEIR fault for having the wrong priorities, the wrong perception of your situation, and the wrong response as parents to something over which you have no control either. You ARE responsible for your own mental health and dealing with the fact that you are gay, and the consequences that implies for your life. It is going to make your life more difficult, and already has. That does not mean that you cannot live a rich and enjoyable life for yourself, but you have to take control of your situation, and live as you are, not as what other people want you to be. It just is not an appropriate way for you to live, as a gay man trying to pretend to live a straight life. You still have time to come out and be that genuine person and build a loving family for yourself, which accepts you the way you really are. You need to accept this and come out, without blaming yourself for the consequences, because "It's not your fault". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtkST5-ZFHw
Thanks everyone for your replies. In response to PatrickUK, I dont think that my family would ever abandon me, or kick me out- because they do believe in mercy and respect. But on the other hand, I know they would never look at me for me. My mom has specifically said that she thinks that homosexuality is the worst sin of all the sins in the bible (which really has no biblical reinforcement, but she still insists on it). My fear is not so much being rejected from my family, but that they will think its something i (or god) can change, pushing me to keep it a secret and hope god does something (which is what i have been doing for the past 9 years). That, and the super painful reaction i would get from my siblings and cousins. In response to Yossarian: I know im not responsible for my parents mental health, but what kind of person would i be if i didnt take my own parents feelings into consideration with such a significant situation. Its not possible to just be okay with knowingly hurting them- i wish it was-but its not. But i do agree about considering my own mental health as well. This is my life after all, and I cant spend it all hiding and lying to everyone I suppose im just waiting to build up enough self-confidence and find the right time to come out. But im afraid that will take a long time..
I see your perspective here. You love your parents and your family, and you feel that coming out is going to cause them some hurt and negative feelings because of their religious beliefs. So since you are the one choosing to come out, you will be causing those feelings to them. That is not true, PhotoGeek. You are not responsible for their negative reactions. You are not responsible for anyone's reactions to anything you do. A victim of someone's behaviour is never in any way responsible for their abuser's actions because they have a choice. It's a shame that you don't see it yet, but I believe you will eventually. You are not knowingly hurting them. If your intention was to hurt them, then I would agree with your quote. But your intention would be to be honest in who you are and to grow closer as a result. So why do you think you are knowingly hurting them? You might knowingly cause them some anger, but there is a difference between knowingly hurting someone and (potentially) causing them pain. One intends malice, the other does not. You cannot punish yourself and restrict yourself forever because you think they will be hurt because ultimately you will suffer more. This is the start of your journey towards honesty, PhotoGeek. However only you can decide to make that journey. I hope that you understand what my message to you is getting at so that you can begin to live a fulfilling life free from darkness. All the best.
I am trying to get this across in the most straightforward and understandable way. You are NOT "hurting them" by being honest with them and telling them the truth about yourself. If you come out and they choose to feel hurt instead of concerned about you and the pain you are feeling, as good parents are supposed to, they are doing it to themselves. They will be hurting YOU with their irrational homophobic behavior, not the other way around. They are the ones who will be behaving badly and wrongly, and creating this stress on you, and probably not even aware how wrong they are by doing it. You should have sympathy for them, for what they may do unnecessarily to themselves, but not to the point of devaluing your own life to enable them to continue to behave badly. When it comes down to it, nobody should get uptight because were born gay; it's really not that big a deal to anyone but you, and it shouldn't be that big a deal to you either.
I agree it's wrong for them to get upset about him being homosexual. But I can see his point too. It's like if you are an atheist and come out to a hyper-religious family. It's not just that they are perceiving things wrong, but they their belief is so firmly ingrained in them that they truly believe you will go to hell, and as a parent that must hurt a lot. Since my uncle committed suicide, my grandma hasn't been the same person. She's become an alcoholic and she's extremely depressed. No matter how much we try to convince her her son isn't burning in hell, her beliefs are so strong she still suffers with that belief. If you love someone it's extremely difficult to see them suffer like that, even if it isn't you fault. Unfortunately it's not an easy decision to make. You have to weigh the good and bad, and it's a very personal decision that must come from inside, not from other people or because of a certain situation. He may hurt them by telling them, but only inadvertently so. And hopefully their reaction won't be like my grandmas. I think the best thing for the poster to do would be to come out to people that will be supportive before deciding whether or not to tell the folks. But if it comes down to it, you can't sacrifice your life for them. If you ever decide you are ready to date, do it! Don't "pretend" to be straight for them. Just don't talk about it for awhile. And hopefully you will be able to come out soon. Best of luck!
Not to discount what you are saying, but here is the essence of the "problem of being gay": it's only a problem because of the way other people treat you and the way you punish yourself for how they choose to act. When parents treat their kids like coming out is no big deal, then it IS no big deal. The child cries a few tears of relief, the parent hugs the kid and says being gay is OK, they are still loved unconditionally, and nothing is different. When parents treat their kids like coming out is the end of the world, that they are going to go to the everlasting flames of Hell for choosing to be gay, and that they are an abomination for choosing to lay in sin with another man, then all Hell breaks loose on Earth for the child. The child is held responsible for the mistakes of the parent. The child is held responsible for making the parents happy. The child is told he is responsible for being gay, not some DNA/womb/environmental physical phenomena that determined his sexuality. It's all his fault! This is such unfair and irresponsible behavior of the parents to create this kind of GUILT that overwhelms the child and makes him want to avoid doing what he knows in his heart is right for him, to acknowledge the reality of his sexuality and live his life accordingly, solely to enable the parents to engage in this religious fantasy world of evil they have decided to imagine. He is GUILTY of lying to them if he doesn't tell them and leads a miserable life, or he is GUILTY of "breaking his parents' heart" if he is honest and forthcoming about himself. Its a no-win, Vietnam War sort of situation, damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't. All because his parents have put some religious belief above the welfare of their child. *I* don't have any problem, as an Independent United Nations Observer, seeing who the WRONG party is in this interpersonal transaction, or who should end up feeling "guilty" and be disappointed if anyone should. I also appreciate the desire of a loving child to not cause the parents to feel the pain from the mistakes they are engaging in. But, there is a right and a wrong way for this situation to end up. The right way is for those people who choose to self-impose pain to be the ones to deal with it, not the innocent child who is simply doing the right thing and being honest about who he is. There is a "guilty" party here, but it is not PhotoGeek. He is standing on the moral high ground, not his parents. His love for his parents has been clearly lived and expressed; now he needs to move on with his life and let his parents deal with theirs, and the problems their chosen religion has created for them, as soon as he can muster the self-confidence to do so. I wish him only the best in doing so, when he is ready.
I'd tell them I have some bad news for you. I'd ask them how would you like to get it? I would be dead serious. Then I would say, "I want you to hear this from me. I'm gay." Then deal with whatever comes.
PhotoGeek, this seems hard... I think the most important thing to think of is- Will you be able to deal with the rejection? If you live by yourself or at least not with family, it would be so much easier I think... but the question is if you can deal with this rejection. From what you said, it seems like you're not shaming yourself too harshly for being gay, though I'm sure you're insecure about some things with your family being so... homophobic. I honestly would suggest moving out first, because the last thing you need is for them to preach the bible at you 24-7... which I suspect they may do. However, it is your choice whether you come out while you're living with them or not (from what you said about them kicking you out, I assume you live with them) or when you live on your own is your choice... I am an Atheist, but regardless of our differing views, I really do hope you get out of that house and find some support... there has to be SOMEBODY supportive near you. Friends are the best form of support system... you can always ask to live with one if you come out and family relationships are tough... I have given advice to people with issues like this before, but by no means does that mean I stop worrying about people with these tough situations... I hope you'll be all right.
Awe, hang in there! I know exactly how you feel because im going through that right now too. I really want to come out now but its best that i wait until im done highschool so i don't have to go through all of the town gossip. My grandma is super catholic, and my other grandma is dying. I also go to a really small school too so its gunna be hard to run away from the gossip. I really know what your going through to be honest. Some people in this town are supportive, but they just gossip behind everyones backs like their monsters anyways. I've decided to come out when im done highschool though because then like i said i can get away from everyone and just be like screw you bitches!! lol. but really it will get better. I only have a year left and no friends so it will be easy. I always have my sister to talk to and my sisters boyfriend. I know it seems rough, and it really is. I understand, but please just hang in there! It'll be okay trust me! Best of luck in whatever you decide!
Hey thanks everyone for your comments, I think this website might be good for me, haha. Im actually in a really weird situation because I go to university on the other side of the country, but come back home during the summer to work and save money to help pay for the next year. And honestly i could probably "get away" with coming out while at school, at least to a few people. Which might be what i do this coming year. Im really just fighting the battle of timing i think, whether i should come out during school, or come out once i have a job and can actually support myself (And therefore deal with any type of rejection that occurs). But if i wait, thats another three years of lying. I dont really know what im going to do, but thanks everyone for your replies! Its nice to know there are some really accepting people in the world.
Is there a LGBT society at your University? Meeting like minded people and making friends could be very helpful and let some light into your closet. As things stand, it sounds really stifling for you and I don't think it will help to wait another three years. In the long term, getting a job and place of your own will offer security as you contemplate coming out to your parents, but I don't think you should sacrifice your emotional well-being until then. Keep posting here because that's one outlet, but having those friends/LGBT contacts in real life will be another and it might just help and give you confidence to eventually come out to your parents. Remember, it's not a race - many people come out in their 20's, 30's or beyond.
