When I was 15-16, i was severely depressed and suicidal. Not suicidal in the sense i cut myself or sttempted suicide, but to the point where i was mentally thinking up fool-proof plans and making up suicide notes. At that point, i began talking to several people about anything and everything, a therapist, the school guidance councellor, and the school nurse. Eventually these thoughts became less frequent, and they faded away. At the time, it made sense. My dad had passed away when i was 14, who i was very very close to. Even now I cant talk about him at all, because i break down. So it smewhat made sense. Now, I'm having these thoughts again. This time however, its not just the thoughts its trying to cross a busy highway, its nearly jumping onto the metro cable things, its seeing a sharp blade and longing to slit my throat. It doesnt make SENSE. My life is good now, almost perfect, but the thoughts are coming back, even stronger than ever. Im afraid if i confide in my mom, she will think its just pms. Im afraid if she does take me seriously, I'll be put on meds. All i want is regular visits to my therapist, so that i can have someone that i can really confide in, but my mom thinks im "fine" so she wont let me see her. I'm really, terribly scared that I'll do something --hurt myself. Its like my body is in control and my mind isnt.
Hey OK first thing to say is there is always a point to continue living. I know it's really easy for me to say it sitting here in my warm bed and you on the other side of the world. Depression is one of the toughest challenges someone can face, because sometimes it feels like you are alone. Posting on EC was the first best action to take when you started having those feelings, because it tells you that you do believe that you want to help yourself. You want to get through this. Right now don't be on your own. If you dont want to talk to your mom about it, then go speak to a friend or a teacher, or even a suicide helpline. There are people who can help you get through this time, don't try and do it alone. Keep going musicislife, I'll be thinking about you.xxxx
You're 19 and so remember you are in control of your own decisions; if you want to see a therapist, see a therapist. If money is an issue, i'm sure there are free concelling services you can go to. If you're afraid that you might harm yourself, surely telling your mom would be for the best. Let her know you are not fine; you don't have to go into detail, just insist that it is important. Just take it one step at a time, and hopefully each decision you make will help you feel more in control. Step one: talk to your mom about seeing your therapist. Only you know if you are fine or not. Tell her this!
As pointed out, you're technically an adult now, so you should be able to see a therapist as often as you need to. Is it because your mother pays for it? Is it something YOU can pay for? Lex
Go to see the therapist anyway - regardless of what your mom has to say about it. And don't dismiss the idea of taking meds. What effect could they have that is WORSE than wandering around with these thoughts in your head all the time?!?
I understand your dislike for the idea of meds. I have three personality disorders and I refuse medication because I'm fine. To me, meds are for people who are sick. I'm not sick... I'm just different. I'm going through a lot right now too, and I always think, "Wow... How easy it would be to roll my bike into this intersection and end all of my stress." What I do is find some little thing to "live" for. Something that'll make it all better. Even if it's just for a day or two. Then I pick a new event and start the process again. Right now I've got Christmas. After that, my birthday. Then, Katy Perry. They aren't that epic or important to anyone but me. But that's who I'm living for; myself. No one else. =] You'll be okay.
You should deffiantely talk to someone. If your school has a Social Worker that could work for you otherwise a therapist would be great too. I would also try to not be alone, usually if you are with someone you'll feel better so try that! I really really hope you feel better and get a handel on this (and not to be a hard ass or mean, but please don't link suicide to cutting)
