First of all I'm very new to a site like this so I don't know if i'm posting this in the wrong place or if I'm doing any of this right so please pardon any mistakes I make and correct me if so. I made a account on here do to a problem that keeps getting worse and I don't know where else to go and I remembered my boyfriend made something like this for help a long while back so I though I'll give it a try. My problem is I haven't come out to everybody yet and it's making my boyfriend sad. He first brought it up to be and said it wasn't fair he came out to his whole family and friends but I haven't, since then I've come out as gay to my mother but not trans and she accepted me but I know she has doubts and is disappointed. My boyfriend has been dealing with alot of stress lately and the night before yesterday he started crying and I thought it had to do with that stress so I refused to sleep until I could make him happy but he didn't want to talk about it at that exact moment but I stood by and told him if he is crying I am not leaving until I hear him laugh again. It was quite for some time until he said he had to ask me something, I said okay. He then asked me what he meant to me, I told him the truth that he was my world and being with him made my world a better place and I love him more than anything. He then told me I'm his world ect but then said He hates that he can't show it around alot of people, aka my friends and family. He said he doesn't want to be my "friend" we're lovers and he doesn't want to cover that up My heart dropped and I instantly felt horrid, I was the one making him cry. Cry because I haven't come out to anyone other than my mother and a few friends and he asked he If I had to would I tell my friends and I said yes, I don't have many friends and they all seem pretty okay with stuff like being gay, though I don't think trans, But I told him I would tell my friends but I honestly wouldn't tell my family at this time because I know the majority of them are not okay with being gay and definitely not okay with being trans and they're very judgmental and insensitive ( hence why I only told my mother I'm gay). He said he understood my family but he said he doesn't want to come over to my home anymore because he can't be open with me. I understand what he means and how he feels and now I feels really bad about the whole ordeal and I don't know what to do, He asked me not to feel bad and told me I'm not the thing that's stressing him out but I know it bothers him and he only cried because of it. Needless to say I didn't sleep well that night. I just feel like I can either not come out but hurt him very badly or I can come out and be cast out of my family at this time when I might need them the most when I'm moving out and getting a job and I could use any little support I could get then after I'll move in with him and I won't have to worry about them but the fact that he hurts my boyfriend who's my world and my light to where he doesn't want to visit my home anymore and today he wanted to talk but my family prevented me from talking to him so he left with $400 to drive and said he might not come back for a few days until he figures everything out and he wanted to talk to me before he left so now I feel worse. I'm too scared to come out and break the relationship with my family even though he came out to his. I'm too scared and I don't know what to do and this all just makes me feel... ...like a selfish coward...
I personally don't think you're selfish at all (in fact, I think it's the other way around). If you're not comfortable with coming out, it's his problem. If I were anyone's boyfriend, I would never back anyone into a corner like that. I know things are rough for the both of you, but you should try talking it out with him. Tell him that you want to wait. Hopefully things work out for the both of you. :icon_sad:
Ehm, I am sorry, but I feel I have to ask a delicate question. I'm only asking so that there won't be confusion in your relationships. Does your boyfriend know you identify as trans female? Or does he think of you as a man? Also, are you wishing to transition into female, and is your boyfriend gay or straight or of which orientation? If you do want to transition, is your boyfriend okay with you becoming physically female? Also, it is rare for LGBT+ people to base their sexuality on their sex, it's usually based on gender. I'm trans female, so when it says under Orientation in my box to the left and I say "Romance: Straight or pan", that means either I like men (only or mostly) or I like everyone (not sure). Since it's usually based on gender, liking only guys would make me straight. You are free to base your sexuality on your biological sex and call yourself gay. Just know that people in the LGBT+ community and outside of it might be confused (like I am a bit). ^yes, you could tell him you want to wait a bit. You can also tell him you don't think your family will be at all accepting, and maybe coming out isn't a good idea for you or for him? Tell him that once you move, maybe form a wider social network, you can be out to them and you can share your love with the world when your social network is a more accepting one than your family? All the best~
First off thank you very much for replying! <3 I was getting worried that nobody would reply to this and was actually very close to just taking it down until I saw! Thank you! well I have kinda an update, he came home sooner than he said and we talked for a bit and the topic didn't come up so we hung out for a while until after later that night when he said if he could ask me something and that I could text him my response if I didn't feel like talking (So I knew he was going to bring it up again) and then he asked why I don't want my family to know (even though I've told him before in the past but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he forgot) and I told him I don't think anyone other than my mother in my family would handle it well and I fear I'd be cast out. He then started to explain that they'd get used to it and I'm overthinking it as well as that I should "accept and know myself" and not care what people think of me. Well I immediately started to feel kinda crummy as I thought he said he didn't care if I didn't tell my family and he understands why. Feeling bad I kinda just remained quiet and didn't say much for the rest of the conversation where he explained that he came out to all his friends and family and "everybody" and that he feels like I don't care and that he feels like nothing to me since I hide him. He then also said do I ever think about what if I had to go see family cause somebody is sick or something and that if I'd go alone or say he's just a friend and I explained that's one of my biggest stresses and that I do of course think about that a lot and that he carries a load on me. So I really feel stuck and sick now by this point so I just remained quiet for the rest. He explained that he wants me to tell then but he's not gonna rush me but that I *am* and he doesn't care if it's within a month but I'm going to have to, and that he'll be there for me if it goes bad. Details about this part are kinda fuzzy and I was basically crying and generally feeling stressed and sad. but I remember him saying one thing then something else that kinda contradicted what he had just said seconds before like I shouldn't feel guilty about not telling everybody and he doesn't feel about about that but that he did it for me and that he's obviously upset I haven't ect and after what felt like forever as soon as he paused I hung up the call without a word and hid under my blankets. after a while of hear my mobile buzz due to him messaging me I recalled him where I again was mainly silent and he didn't bring it up I just let him talk about stuff he was reading until he said I could call him anything I wanted or cuss him out for "being an asshole" but I mumbled I wasn't mad when he shortly had to interrupt the call and leave for something he still hasn't returned from. so now I feel even more trapped and guilty, I really just don't know what to do, I feel like he's not fully listening to me and that he thinks I don't love him equally when I really really do love him so, but I feel like I can't tell my family at this time, I feel so caged and sad because he's going through so much right now and I wanted to be there to cheer him up but that's extremely hard to do when he says he's cried every night over something I'm (not) doing, I feels so much guilt and so scared and trapped, I love him so much and I want to do anything in the world to make my hubby happy but all this is just so emotionally destroying. ---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2015 at 08:51 AM ---------- @BeckiWoopx, Oh! you replied as I did to the last one! Yes he knows I am trans and he's Bi and accepts as well as looks forward to my transition
It takes a while here, people like Fun and Games ^^ You gave him a legitimate reason and he dismissed it, and tried to pressure you to and make you feel guilty. Not cool. You should tell him that you aren't taking the pressure well. He cannot under any circumstances force you to come out. That is a threat and is not acceptable. If that isn't clear to him, then that's a problem. I think you're right, and it's about time he started. You aren't to blame for the shortcomings of your family, he needs to understand that. There is a time and a place for coming out. If you feel you are not ready, it is simply not the time. Okay, good! hugs
honestly your boyfriend should have a degree of empathy for what you're going through. Maybe a part of him is pressuring you because he feels like its annoying to have to keep your relationship secret... but at the same time if he truly wants to be with you he should put himself in your shoes for a moment and think about what you might be feeling. Nobody likes being in the closet its honestly one of the worst feelings in the world... so you have your reasons for it. Remember, no one is making him be in a relationship with you if he wants to leave because he isn't willing to be with someone whose not out then thats his prerogative, but if he's going to stay he should be more understanding. You need to be patient with yourself and only come out when you are 100% sure thats what you want to do. im 23 and still not out to my family... does that mean I want to be in the closet? No way. But... at the same time its a process. anyway i hope this helps
