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Being Out as a Teacher

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Oh Lilac, Jun 22, 2015.

  1. Oh Lilac

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    Any thoughts on being openly gay and working in a school? My colleagues know for the most part, but I tend to avoid the subject of my marriage. I work in a high school in Massachusetts, where gay marriage is legal, but of course, not everyone is so liberal. I want to be able to say "my wife" and not feel self conscious. Sometimes students might ask if I am married and I don't know what to respond or how honest I should be, if they assume I have a husband. I really just want to be brave and not give a damn. It is something I am working toward, being unapologetically me... I don't bring up my personal life, because it is not really their business, but I want to be able to respond like anyone else (heterosexual) would, and not have to tiptoe around that important part of my life. It doesn't feel right that I just hesitate when others can be so free and open.
     
    #1 Oh Lilac, Jun 22, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2015
  2. thete

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    If the subject comes up, I would just say "my wife" as nonchalant as possible. If you don't make it a big deal, neither will your students! I had a teacher who was openly gay but he would only mention his husband when it came into context, just like any heterosexual teacher. It wasn't a big deal because he didn't make it a big deal. The world is changing, so I think it would be a very brave and valuable thing for you to show your students an example of a "regular" LGBT person in society. Having real life role models and representation in the classroom is so important for children and teens alike.

    Rock on!
     
  3. Randy

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    See, I have thought about being out as a teacher in the classroom more and more everyday since I'm growing closer to graduating and actually getting into the classroom. I'm in the same quandary you are e.g., i don't want to bring up my personal life in the classroom because a classroom is a classroom for learning. But see, that's where the contradiction lies and it contradicts my view on how a classroom should be. I believe a classroom should be one of learning and a safe zone where people can bring their opinions without fear of 'put downs' (I realize now this will encounter pitfalls soon enough.)

    I guess what this boils down to is 1) teaching philosophy and what you view a teacher and the roles they take other than facilitator of learning AND 2) how well you know your group of kids.

    But if a student asks me about my personal life in a classroom setting, I guess I would dodge the question by pointing out that this isn't the time for those types of questions.
     
  4. Oh Lilac

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    Thank you so much to both of you. Your responses have helped me immensely. (Though I'd still love other opinions!)

    You're both right in the idea that I should make the classroom a safe zone, and to simply discuss my life in context when applicable or when asked (I don't want to have to dodge the question, and that is what I feel lousy about). That is a good tip to be nonchalant about it and set an example to my students about homosexuality not being a big deal, and that we are normal people, too, just like anyone else. I owe it to those kids who may be going through or have yet to go through what I went through. I want to make a safe, inspiring learning environment for them. I need to remember that as something to fuel my courage.
     
  5. roryoswinpond

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    I'm still in school right now and I know that it would be nice to see a teacher be so honest about themselves and spread the idea that it is okay to be LGBT. I know that many of my classmates would agree but I also know that there's always someone who isn't so welcoming. I guess it just all comes down to how comfortable you are with your class, how mature you think they are and how you think they'll react.

    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  6. queenofcows

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    I think you should tell your students! I know that if I had a gay teacher it'd honestly make me feel better. Who knows you may have LGBT students who are hiding in the closet and would see you as a role model. If any students make fun of you somehow then you are the teacher so take action. :slight_smile: You never know who you could effect in a good way.
     
  7. Randy

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    I feel ya on feeling lousy for dodging the question. I wish we could just be upfront with the students about how our life is.

    I don't want to be someone who encourages people to be themselves in the classroom while I hide something out of fear of repercussions. But at the same time I don't want to do something that the parents of the students would find a problem with and cost me my job.
     
  8. siriuslypadfoot

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    I don't think it would be a big deal to be out, maybe talk it over with the administration first. There are going to be some students and parents who might not be accepting, but that's also the game of teaching. No matter what you do, people are going to be talking about you behind your back and parents are always going to be nasty.

    I think it would be good to not mention it at first and let the students get to know you a little better. I try to take advantage of heteronormativity by not mentioning my gayness until I've made a positive impression on people. Helps to push my sexuality to the back of their mind (and can help them see the impact of society's homophobia).
     
  9. Really

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    Do you know any other gay teachers on staff? How have they handled this? I guess whatever you choose to do, it would be nice to have an ally.
    I think saying you're married shouldn't be a problem but a student asking anything beyond that about your spouse, husband OR wife, would be none of their business, I should think.
     
  10. Oh Lilac

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    Sadly, we do not have supportive administration. I don't feel comfortable going to them. I don't think they would ever say a word to me about being gay, though, lol. They are incompetent and just avoid pretty much everything.

    Good point to ask others. We have maybe a few that I know of who are out. I may work up the courage to ask them. As far as none of anyone's business, you're right in some respect, but I also don't want to treat my life as something to be ashamed of, and if other teachers can mention their spouse in terms of saying their husband or wife in the appropriate context without any qualms, I'd like to do that to. I can't control people's reactions to me; of that, I'm aware. But if a student knows I'm married and says to me, "...your husband," I'd feel wrong to be misleading and not correct them. It's not like I chat about myself, but on VERY rare occasions, the fact that I am human and have a life and a family (even just the two of us) outside of school may come up.... Or they may see me out in public.
     
  11. RedRey

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    Hi Oh Lilac,

    You really have a tough situation. I don't know how the culture is in Massachusetts and I think you need to most importantly consider how your student would react to your marriage. Is it even that big of a deal to them? by colleagues, do you mean your co-workers? Would coming out to your students cost you your job? If not, I think you should tell them. Your position could set an example of success and hopefully their generation would grow to accept homosexuality.
     
  12. sedgeling

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    We had two openly gay teachers at my high school. Nobody really cared, but we also lived in a fairly liberal area. Honestly, it was when one of them was hiding it that kids talked about it and were interested in it. If it's common knowledge, then there isn't much to gossip about, especially if the school is generally accepting of that sort of thing. As long as you don't think it would cost you your job, then I'd say go for it.
     
  13. Linthras

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    I'm hopefully starting my second internship next september.
    I won't hide my sexuality, but I won't go around anouncing it either.
    If collegeas ask, I'll tell. With students it might depend on the situation and the character of the students, but I won't go into the closet, so to speak.

    I'm fortunate though that the Netherlands, at least were public education is concerned, is very LGBT friendly.
     
  14. W34LTH

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    In my school, there are a lot of lesbian/bisexual teachers. Most of them are open, and are comfortable with saying "my wife" whenever they talk about their lives or whatever. Also some of my teachers prefer to say "my partner" instead of saying husband/wife. Possibly you can use the term partner, and work your way up to saying my wife whenever you feel ready and comfortable.