Im still figuring out where and when to come out to my parents. Ill be going on vacation with my parents in a few weeks for 2 weeks and then im staying on for a month there. Is it best to tell them and before they head home so that they would have time to digest without me there for a while or just to come out with it now. Also i dont know if I would be able to vocalize my thoughts to tell them so i wrote down everything i want them to know and understand into a letter but i think it might just be too much for them to digest. I have thought of maybe telling them and then putting the letter in there suitcase for them to find after or asking if they want to read it after i tell them. Idk? Any advice would be appreciated. Here is the letter i wrote: I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time and you may have noticed that. I’m gay. I have denied, bartered and struggled with this for a very long time. You have notice I’ve been different since Grads (grandpa) died. In my time of grief I became distant and spent a lot of time contemplating. In this time I discovered allot about myself. I thought more open minded and stopped believing in god. Before I always knew I was different but I never understood why and with time I just accepted that I was different without questioning why. It’s only in that time of contemplation that this became clearer. Feelings that I didn’t understand and suppressed began to surface. I had to sit down and connect the dots for a while until I then knew for a fact that I wasn’t straight. It wasn’t one event or one day I just woke up, but it came to with time. It was a constant internal battle of debating and bartering with myself (for example I would think “well if I had the right circumstance I might be straight…..”)(“That can’t be right…I’m not all fruity?”). When I started to accept it myself it then became the constant task of hiding it. The way I spoke, walked, talked, thought, I tried to ensure that it seemed that I was straight. The constant paranoia. Then there were the “innocent”/ignorant homophobic comments or jokes from even friends who were clueless of my situation. That would really get to me. All this combined internal trauma at times literally drove me to madness. I am me and I always have been and slapping a label on me doesn’t change who I am. I am simply a person who just so happens to be attracted to the same sex. It’s like a person’s personality or favourite colour. They didn’t choose their favourite colour but it is just simply that. Not many people would say their favourite colour was black but it still doesn’t make it wrong or bad. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m going to start being all flamboyant or shoe shopping with girls or start wearing a gay pride flag. My sexuality is a small part of who I am and it doesn’t change me. These stereotypes that TV and society in general project are not always true. It is the same attraction that you show for each other. In a perfect world I wouldn’t even have to be having this awkward unnecessary talk. I should just be able to bring someone home whether they are a man or women and have you judge the for the person they are and whether they are worth my time and not their gender first. It’s a part of me. It’s not all of me. Being gay does not define ME. I want a normal life like everyone else in the future, with a spouse and maybe children. I haven’t changed I’m just being honest. I hate having to lie or even hide that I’m upset. It’s not a phase, it’s not a life choice (believe me if it was I wouldn’t choose to be) and there is nothing that you all did or anyone did to influence me. I don’t just believe, I know that it’s just the way my brain was wired. I promise you both that I will look after my health and I hope that you both would support me. I love you both and that is why I don’t want to hide the TRUE ME from you.
Sounds like a good letter that covers everything pretty well. Try giving it to them before they head home so they have time to digest. Good luck!
Very well done. You letter conveys a lot of emotion while providing a firm argument. I will caution to you keep the overall point of your letter firm in hand throughout. This is to come out. Yet you start out by saying that you're gay, and you no longer believe in God, and then more reasons behind you being gay. Stating the fact that you no longer believe can seem, to them, as a/the reason you are gay. Especially putting it so early on. This could lead to them viewing your identity as an act of rebellion. You may find rewording that part to be helpful. Such as, "I don't accept that homosexuality is wrong/a sin" or something like that. This will convey that your beliefs are different from theirs without going too far. Because saying you have converted away from their religion will push them to want to cure that problem, and if they do, then that will "fix" your gayness. When really, the two are unrelated. I only note these as sources of possible confusion. This may or may not be the case, as you of course know your parents better than I. I encourage you to try and have a sensitive outlook toward your parents, through this. They have known you and loved you your whole life. Chances are, they only what's best for you and if you can convince them that this is what's best for you, they will eventually come around. As for when and how to come out... I would say to wait until you are back from vacation to tell them. People respond better when they are in a comfortable, familiar atmosphere. Plus you will be there so they don't feel like you are "lost" and out of their reach far away somewhere, being gay... It may provoke worry. Best of luck. -Rhys-
thx for all the advice. Today i came out to my mom. It was sort of a in the moment decision. I told her everything and then i gave her the letter to read when i could no longer vocalize my thoughts. She said that it doesn't change anything and that she loved me unconditionally. She however thinks my father should be told soon. Im not exactly sure how he would take it. I know he loves me but i think things may be i bit more awkward or he might be distant for a while which is understandable. They are both not extremely religious but they both believe that a god exists.
My mom is now asking me if i want to see a shrink to know "if im sure". IDK how i feel about that. I don't want to have spent all this time in the closet and being all confused to then have someone set me back and second guess my sexuality. Am i being reasonable. I know she just wants what is best for me but she herself said how she just doesn't know what steps to take as a parent now and what to do next. She just mentioned the therapy almost as a question that she herself didn't know if it was right. IDK. Input would greatly be appreciated.
I think it's a good way to let your feelings out with somebody face to face. Specifically, because they WANT to help you, and are QUALIFIED to help you. I want you to, but you shouldn't have to from my .02¢
I second The Purple One3's advice. Pyschiatrists are people who have dedicated their entire lives to listening to other people's problems. They're only there because they want to help you. I should know, its one of my potential majors. Don't do it if you don't want to though, you sound pretty confident already.
