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scaring the crap outta myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by asphalt, Jun 26, 2015.

  1. asphalt

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    i don't know why this is so difficult. i've been actively bisexual in an unofficial capacity since i was a teenager, sleeping around with anyone who looked at me long enough for me to recognise i didn't really give a fuck about what i did with who, generally allowing myself to be taken advantage of by both men and women because i had emerged from an abusive childhood and my way of dealing with it was to continue abusing myself. overall though, my relationships have been heterosexual - i've got two kids, and i was briefly married. i tried to discuss my sexuality once with my mother who made it very clear that she and the rest of the family wouldn't want to have anything to do with me if i pursued an alternative route, but i've never been overly concerned with convention.

    so i don't understand why i'm so fucking frightened of admitting to myself and everyone around me that i'm gay. it's like i was always trying to pretend that i had an interest in women on some level and i remember trying to force myself to enjoy it, and i mean i could always get off - sex is sex, right? but it's like i've completely flatlined on women... my last relationship was a disaster; we broke up at the end of last year due in no small part to my soaring sexual dysfunction. i didn't want to fuck her; she felt undesirable, and when we did have sex she always felt like it was a pity fuck.

    we remained in contact after the break up and i tried to tell her a few months ago that i think i'm gay, and she scoffed at it and told me i'm just going through a phase. which impacted on my confidence to talk to anyone else about it. she probably wasn't the best person to discuss it with, considering her feelings towards me, but we were best friends for a long time so i figured i could confide in her.

    at almost 30, i feel stuck in a void. i'm an alcoholic and an addict and i've got three decades of emotional baggage that i've barely begun to work through, and i don't know how much of it is due to failing to address my sexuality or how much my mental health has impacted on who i am. i'm immensely lonely and i've filled that with drugs and alcohol and empty sex and other forms of self harm for such a long time i don't know where to begin to be able to reach a point of being comfortable with myself. there's this vague idea i cling to that maybe one day i'll be in love with life and out and unafraid of meeting other guys without the expectation i'll be knocked back because i'm a fantastic mess... it's hard for me to believe anyone is gonna be able to look past that. i know that's not exclusive to gay relationships and it's an issue regardless of who you're interested in, but there's something terrifying about putting myself out there for what i really want, as opposed to being in heterosexual relationships that were ingenuine from the beginning, whether or not i really understood why at the time.

    until last thursday i was clean for a month following a ten day in-patient detox. been using on and off this week and i know this has got a lot to do with it. i'm currently waiting to hear back from a few rehabs and i know that's an important step but this is eating me up on the inside and i don't want to keep living like this, i don't want to keep despising myself and pretending to be something i'm not and trying to cover it all up by slowly killing myself with substances.

    could use some advice or encouragement or even just a nod, because i feel so fucking alone right now.
     
  2. Xander27

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    Hey man, things will be okay. Addiction is hard, especially when paired with coming to terms with yourself. Just take one day at a time- and I know I'm a decade or so younger than you, but feel free to post on my wall and I'll be support for you through this process.
     
  3. bingostring

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    hey asphalt - welcome to EC
    I hope you get loads of support on here as many people do

    I can't speak from the same experience you have described but I wonder if you have ever tried working out your thoughts with a proper therapist ? It may sound mumbo jumbo but you sound like you haven't been able to hear yourself too clearly in recent years. Sometimes speaking with a skilled counsellor or therapist can move things on.

    Also, at 30, its a good time to draw a line on the 'past you' and have a complete reassessment of how you want to be for the next 30 years. Talking things out can really help with that.
     
  4. asphalt

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    my experience with therapists and counsellors hasn't particularly filled me with confidence since most of my interactions with them have been through the NHS, who are generally overworked or indifferent or incompetent. i've had some therapy through the local drug and alcohol support network but their focus is for the most part on methods of remaining sober, and though LGBTQ people pass through their system, they're trained to work with substances, not sexuality. i might look into some local charities - private therapy ain't currently within my budget.

    my addiction problems have been pretty extreme; when i went into detox i was drinking around 30 units a day, which is about a 750ml bottle of vodka and i'd start shaking if i hadn't had a drink within an hour. i'd been at that level for about six months and i was in hospital every week, coming to covered in piss and vomit and blood. before that i'd binge drank every week for a couple of years. since i was a teenager i've had problems with cannabis, cocaine, speed and pain killers. i don't want to get back to that place so my drinking right now is a major concern and it's a poignant comment to make about drawing the line at 30, because it feels like a breaking point, and i know what i want to have, or where i could end up. i thought i understood rock bottom before i hit new lows this year. i realise that true rock bottom is death and i've come close enough to it that i've scared myself pretty fucking good.
     
  5. bingostring

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    I know exactly what you mean about the NHS… you go on a waiting list, like for ever, and end up with someone completely unsuited.

    But the process can have rewards. Your GP surgery may even have an in-house therapist you could see just for a session to discuss options that you may not have considered before.

    The other thing is I wonder if you have ever opened up to a trusted friend - someone who will take you seriously and in confidence and be supportive. You need a sort of support network around you of real people. Even a support network of one is better that having this all spinning round in ever widening circles inside your head.

    it sounds like you are in an interesting place in that you have arrived at a point where change is possible and it is something you really want in your core? Everything you have written suggests that to me anyway and all you need is to take a few steps … powered by hope.

    Use EC to the full also. Maybe there are addiction based online support groups you could also tap in to???
     
  6. Posthuman666

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    Welcome to Ec, you will find comfort here. Im really sorry you had to go through all of that. I was addicted to self harm a while back, and I know drug addiction is worse.

    Just keep on keeping on and stay strong. That is the key.

    If you need anything, Im always open to talk.
     
  7. xylaz

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    I can't say if my drug use, constant hooking up, and various self-harming incidents are attributable to my sexuality but I deeply resented the fact that being bisexual and having a preference for guys made me feel feminine and unnatural. Femininity was horribly frowned upon especially since I cried a lot. The things that I loved made me feel intense shame and that was everyday.
    It's a matter of accepting yourself in whatever way you can. Drugs won't work because they'll further cloud your judgment.
    You can try moving to a new city and starting fresh if your family is a major concern.
    I hope for the best for you
     
  8. asphalt

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    i never felt emasculated by fucking men; if anything as a teen it gave me a power rush. or that's how i perceived it at the time. probably i just enjoyed it a hell of a lot more. i guess i also felt like i was doing something subversive. i used to be pretty emotional but after enough shit happened, there was a cut-off point and i didn't feel anything at all for a long time except depressed or angry when i wasn't numb, though that was facilitated by substances.

    a move is definitely on the cards. i've been checking out properties in other cities, though this doesn't have much to do with my family since they're scattered around the country and don't really have much to do with me anyway. they're middle class law abiding public servants and i'm the token embarrassment. no one really wants to entertain the hammered junkie schizo at family gatherings.

    i've been posting on a recovery forum for about six months, but the reason i sought this place out was because in one of my last posts there on a fairly active thread of mine, i came out as gay and no one said a fucking word afterwards. and it was like yeah okay, i hear you... there doesn't seem to be much of a community catering specifically for LGBTQ addicts in recovery or otherwise and i'm surprised by that. i've heard it said that because we're a vulnerable minority group, we make up a respectable chunk of the addiction community.

    i don't have trusted friends. there are one or two people still around who i used to trust but for various reasons, that has been irrevocably damaged. there's a girl online i adore who i'm really close to that i blurted at about being gay when i was horrendously drunk a few months ago, but i'm not sure how much of that came across as legitimate, and i think she has feelings for me, so i'm not sure how to talk to her about it properly. i don't want to be insensitive or discuss something with someone who might reasonably filter it through a gauze of self-protection, thereby rendering any advice or feedback biased.
     
    #8 asphalt, Jun 27, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2015
  9. bingostring

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    I think you will find a number of EC'ers with addiction issues.
    If you keep posting you will soon hear from some

    If you do make a move geographically it might be the moment when you dump any toxic relationships. People who anchor you in the past and nudge you in to bad behaviours..

    You seem to have a good grasp on what your issues and you are working out which direction you want your life to go. A clean sheet of paper. Working out your sexuality. There is only one person who can make the changes.

    Maybe there are free counselling services with a local LGBT organisation. Or worth travelling once a week to get to one. Even if for a few sessions only. Some have charitable status and may give you super low rates.
     
  10. xylaz

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    Sometimes I felt a power rush, but it depended on the sexual role or action that occurred. The subversiveness was there sometimes when I would do risky things or "fantasies" with the men I've met. Other illegal things too. Doing bad things always felt entertaining because my family always took me for the "good kid" and that was all I got. That's because my parents were concerned about appearances and kept the things I did a secret.
    I did the same thing you did with the forums and always got the same generic crap. Nothing too special or transformative so I checked out psyche forums and kinda did my own self-help stuff myself.
    It's great that you got a handle on your life and have steps to take towards progress.
    It may be hard for your friend, but I'm positive you'll find someone that will be emotionally and emphatically available to you. Lots of the things you've said clicked with me so I want you to know you're not alone. (*hug*)
     
  11. Contact1111

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    First and foremost, make sure you go to rehab/detox/AA and successfully stop drinking. In addition to being bad for the liver and all that stuff that I'm sure you already know, drinking that amount of alcohol could be really clouding your thinking. This could make it a lot harder to truly figure out who you are and live with that reality. Also, drinking might be adding to your overall sense of stress about it if you drink that much every day. I can say that although I used to just not give a crap about much of anything if I was drunk/drinking, these days I sometimes get pissed off, upset, or argumentative about things that would be relatively minor problems while sober.
     
  12. asphalt

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    i completed a detox last month. got an ongoing assessment for local rehabs and i'm involved in the recovery community and their peer support groups. i won't do AA because i don't agree with 12 step. it's not really as simple as saying stop drinking. my liver function was alright when i had it tested in the detox centre. there's a whole fuckload of underlying issues that come with drinking, as you'll know. i'm not on a 750 per day any more. i ain't saying i've addressed the issue, but i'm working on it.