Okay, that title probably makes everything sound terrible and half assed. Maybe it should say fear... First off, I suffer from severe anxiety, like so bad my doctor didn't even ask me questions after I finished my terrified and rushed talk before diagnosing me and wanting to refer me to a counsellor. Due to this, I crumble at confrontation and can barely initiate a conversation if I do know you let alone manage one if I'm not comfortable with you. But I can answer questions, no matter who you are - if you have a question about anything, including myself, and I can answer it I will. Consequences - in this instance - would come later. And I want this t-shirt - it says "World's okayest genderfluid person". I want people to notice something and ask and I like that this t-shirt would be a step in the door. But I can't afford it and won't be able to until I'm away for uni at least. But I can wait, wear it while I'm home for Christmas. My other option is gender therapy. As soon as I get to uni, I'm going to my doctor and he is going to get me my counsellor for anxiety. Now I'm not sure if I should talk to him about my being genderfluid and wanting a gender therapist or the counsellor, but I'm aware of the wait either way, which will help me with preparing my answers to their questions like the t-shirt. I have this vague notion of just revealing any letters I might get, even if that means not telling them until next summer or longer (though my deadline is currently December 3rd - my birthday). Both options mean I don't technically need to initiate conversation - at least not by speaking. All I really know right now is that I want to tell my dad and my maternal grandmother first. I feel they'd be the most supportive and understanding and my dad will help me with his side of the family and my nan will help me with my mum's side. I hope so anyway. What do you guys think? I welcome any and all thoughts, both what you think of these options or better ideas to help me overcome anxiety and come out. I guess the reason I'm so nervous over my gender is because my family has a good number of gay (cis) men and they were basically all waiting for me to come out as a lesbian (except my paternal grandmother, but that's a long, different story), so telling them I was panromantic and ace was barely even a coming out. Also, I generally don't like the idea of coming out because I believe it's my business and all (the only times I did so was because it came up in conversation), but I want to transition and they're going to see that, so I want them to know beforehand and it's kind of freaking me out because I've never really had to do this before.
I'm there for you bro, if you ever want to talk. I know exactly how you feel - really. Talking about feelings is a sore spot for me and I never initiate such conversations. It's funny, because whenever I need to "talk about" or announce something it's always through a letter. Your ideas about prompting others to ask you questions are cool. I've thought of getting a t shirt that says "asexy" on it... Haha. There are a lot of t shirts with creative titles to get people talking. It's a great idea! As for coming out, take it easy. You don't have to feel like it's a burden you need to resolve right this instant. But then again, putting it off might increase the anxiety of eventually coming out... Another alternative might be just to force yourself to endure the coming out - by whatever means most appropriate, such as a letter. After all, you only have to come out once, right? Well, a string of onces but after that wave you're done! That thought comforts me when planning my coming out to my parents, that it would be better to get it over with so I can stop freaking about it. But that's just me. For questions, you could prepare answers for most common questions about being genderflud for conversations. Also you could find some Youtube videos to share with those you tell, so that the stress will be relieved from you (during the conversation). That's what I did when I talked to my brother about being trans. You could tell whoever you're intending on coming out to that it's hard for you to talk about it and you'd prefer to be asked questions... Some thoughts.
Talking about anything is horrible, talking about feelings is so much worse. It's probably why I'm a writer; I'm just better at putting words down then I am at speaking. And if the first draft is jumbled and bad, that's what editing is for. Letters, man, they're so much better. And a letter (in the form of a text) is probably something I will have to do anyway, at least for my nan because she lives so far away; she comes to see my mum, so I can't exactly hide her away for a while. Yes. Exactly. I love those t-shirts for that exact reason. An asexy t-shirt sounds awesome, you should get one anyway. I want an asexual t-shirt, it says "my sexual preference is nope". But they already know my sexual orientation, or at least some do, so that ones just because it's cool. Yeah, that's my feelings right now. I don't think I see coming out as a burden really, just... well, yeah, I do. I don't like that I feel the need to, but I can't just go through with transition and wait for questions then. That doesn't seem like the good thing to do no matter how I think of it. I don't wanna put it off, but I don't wanna do it either. I have thought about forcing myself to say it and just endure the experience. Every Sunday when my dad has a moment alone, I think to myself "just do it, just tell him." But I never do, though my excuse is currently that my stepmum wants us to have a 'girly night' and I want to spend that time with her first, even if I don't see it as a 'girly night'. It's not a very good excuse, because they don't live together anymore and he wouldn't tell her if I asked him it to, but I go back to it all the same. But it is taking away my ability to go to Sparkle (a transgender weekend event in Manchester) because I can't get there without asking for money and asking for money would mean telling them what it's for. So that sucks a little. Questions. My dissertation is on gender identity, so I do have things to show them to help with the conversation, which is good. It's currently the only thing I'm confident on. Thanks, Rhys (or would you rather Peter be used now?).
