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Is he gay, and is he interested?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by trumpetkid23, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. trumpetkid23

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    New York City
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Firstly, I want to say that I see this as a good problem. I realize that many of you here (and I was there just a few months ago, so consider how far I've come to be encouraging to you! :icon_wink) aren't out yet, so I feel a bit silly asking these questions, as they're trivial in comparison to what it feels like to still be coming out. But...

    Some of you may have seen my post asking for relationship advice a few weeks ago. Well, I'm glad to say that I called it off with the guy that I had been seeing. I felt terrible doing it, but I know that we're both happier because of it. It was necessary, and I've moved on. You may also remember that I was interested in somebody else...

    Well, I have attempted to start something up. We've been to a concert, chatted a whole lot online, had a couple meals together...you know the drill. I personally feel, however, that we've been dancing around our feelings for each other. Nothing has actually surfaced, and I feel like we keep making constant small-talk. It's driving me nuts. I want to get into a conversation about my/hopefully his feelings, but I don't know how to do it.

    The main issue here is that I don't know FOR SURE that he's gay. My sixth sense keeps telling me that he is, based on the way he acts around me and how responsive he is to mild flirting. I've caught him taking the occasional glance at me as well. Before I can talk about my feelings though, I need to know his preference for sure. How do I find out without being insulting? I don't want to flat out ask, as that can sound very insensitive. I'm wondering if maybe some of you older/more experienced members here who have been in my situation before could help me out.

    It seems that I have a knack for falling for guys who are borderline gay/straight. I wouldn't have that any other way, in all honestly, because it's that mild-mannered type of person whom I feel most comfortable with. This just makes it more difficult when starting potential relationships, and also means I fall for straight guys...

    So how do I find out if he's gay without being rude? He might not be completely comfortable yet, so I don't want to put him on the spot... If he is gay, I can work with the whole "asking him out" thing on my own. I'm not worried about that. But how do I find out his preference?
     
  2. pinksoccer

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Are you out to him? If so could you just make some comment like "You know, I'm into guys, what about you?" or "What interests you?" Maybe he's still figuring it all out.

    I am in kind of a similar situation (except I'm in a different city than the other guy, and haven't really seen him that often), and he doesn't know I'm gay. Hopefully once I tell the rest of my family I will also tell him, and see if he says anything.
     
  3. Lexington

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    If he doesn't know you're gay, that's the obvious place to start. You don't have to put it in context of him, or anything else. You can just say you think an actor is hot, or that you were talking to your ex-boyfriend, or anything else that reveals it without making it a statement. That'll be his open. If he chooses to take it, wonderful. If he doesn't, it's probable he isn't.

    Lex
     
  4. trumpetkid23

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Out to everyone
    I forgot to mention that. Way back over the summer he responded to a post on facebook about looking for a roommate in college. I mentioned in it that I was gay, but that I didn't care about the preference of my roommate, so long as they were respectful. That was a long time ago though. So, long story short, I know he's READ that I'm gay. Unless he's forgotten that post (which is likely, 'cause it's been 6 months), then he's aware that I'm gay. BTW, he's not my roommate (I have a single).

    I've just never actually TALKED about it with him. So he knows, but it could be that the topic is just kinda waiting to be brought up?
     
  5. Mickey

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    I agree with Lex. I would bring it up in a less obvious way,though...just in case.
    You could bring up the subject about,say, Prop 8 or another gay subject.
    His responses will at least give you a better idea about him.
    I've done this many times and it has worked for me. Just a thought....
     
  6. acorn7

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    It's a good question, and I'd be interested in knowing the answer as well :slight_smile: Mentioning your own sexual orientation or a gay topic seems like a pretty good idea. It's worked for me with (female) friends that I wasn't that close to, just mentioning "oh he's so hot!" or making pro-gay comments.

    But now this guy is on my radar, and... apparently he's gay but not too comfortable with it. I may make another thread to explain the situation!