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I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Justalittle, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. Justalittle

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Des Moines
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm stuck at a bad point in my life. I'm 15, and 100% gay. I have known since I was 12, but I've always tried pushing it back. Ive tried as much as I can but it consumes me. Every moment of every day I'm thinking about it. "My god I'm gay" "I wish I wernt gay" "What would they think if they knew" all sentences in a infinite loop playing over and over again in my head. About a year ago my mom was snooping on my phone and opened my notes, a place where I found sanctuary in being able to write down what I was thinking when I was pissed, or crying, or just down. She had invaded my most private place and read through all that I had wrote. My parents were furious, my dad preached to me, my mom wouldn't talk to me, and it didn't go well. My dad would talk to me in the car and tell me how I need to forget my disqusting lifestyle. Saying how sick my thoughts were. Saying how "woman is gods gift to man". And making fun of a guy I had a crush on which I wrote down and said if he ever sees me around that guy or alone with anyone it would not be tolerated. He says that if I ever date a guy he will never talk to me again. He dosent stop and just keeps doing it and making remakes even if I'm crying because I can't handle it anymore. There is so much more that he does it could never be explained. He says "shes hot" when there is a woman on the tv because he wants me to think it. He makes my life a living hell ontop the he'l it already was, he sent me to Catholic chuch camps over the summer and making me do it this year. I hate my father. I don't know how I could ever see him agian when I leave due to all the emotional damage he has done to me. To this day I cant look at myself in the mirror and say im gay and when i can mutter the words otherwise i feel sick to my stomach. The only way I can say it is my typing it. I'm scared to go to school each day for my secret will be exposed. I live in one of the worst towns. My school is prek-12 with 600 kids, 200 in high-school and 46 in my grade and nobody has ever been out at my school. I sometimes get anxiety attacks at school becuase i get so scared and worried. I've told a few friends that were okay with it but they dont offer a lot of support and I've even lost a friend because of it but thankfully they didnting share it but I'm scared they will. I don't see whats in my life that's worth living, I don't have any truely good friends who I can talk to and who make me feel safe and my parents never let me hangout with anyone, after what happened, they shelter me as much as they can. After the new supreme court ruling, I thought of just coming out but I never could because I can't have the rest of my family knowing especially my grandmother who would react much worse than my parents. I just want someone to talk to, someone to help me. All my life is, is people going agianst me and trying to make me a different person. I just can't do it, all my emotions and feelings are bottled up inside of me and it eats me alive. I don't know how I can live like this for 3 more years. Instead of getting better everything is just getting worse and I don't know what to do..
     
  2. wisefolly

    wisefolly Guest

    You've done a great first step by joining and posting here. You're among friends who will do all they can to be your friend and give you all the support possible.