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27, married, two kids, recently stopped being in denial.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PainlessSatori, Jun 30, 2015.

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  1. PainlessSatori

    PainlessSatori
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    Questioning
    I've said I was bisexual for years. To be honest, I think I am, to a degree. Maybe like a 7 on the kinsey scale.

    So, I love my husband. Very much. he is my rock, my confidant, my best friend. We have a house, a good life, two beautiful children. But there is absolutely zero chemistry in our relationship. it's literally like living with my best friend. And sometimes we cuddle. I seriously think it's been maybe three months since we last did anything sexual. And it was a couple months before that.

    And i would add it up to a rough patch, dry period, whatever. But I realized a glaringly obvious trend in my past, where basically... it's the same damn cycle, over and over. ...
    I get with a guy. It's going really well for quite awhile, then EVERYTHING shuts off. Emotions, sexual desire, anything. I eventually break up with them. I hook up with random girls, have a HUGE sexual identity crisis, wonder if I'm actually gay, then somehow manage to find myself in a relationship with another dude. Then it cycles back again. Wash rinse repeat.

    We did, however, get pregnant VERY soon into out relationship. Less than six months. He's almost 3. Then got pregnant with my daughter who's 10 months. We got married when I was about 7 months pregnant. I've often wondered if we would be together if we didn't have kids.

    My gut instinct tells me no.

    I've brought this up to a handful of friends, and the response ranges from "Stop being over dramatic", to, "Yeah, you're gay. Leave him."

    I prefer sex with women. Never orgasmed from intercourse. And really... sex feels suffocating 9/10 times.

    But idk... as cliche as this sounds, it hit me after the SCOTUS ruling, and I felt this insane form of relief. Peace. And for someone who has suffered from axiety and depression most of my life, that sense of well-being almost shook me.

    But I'm stuck. Could this be preemptive reasoning to a passionless relationship, or could I actually be gay? Why did it take me do long to figure out that I'm not bi?

    What to I do?

    ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2015 at 01:47 AM ----------

    I also apologize for errors. I'm typing this on my phone.
     
    #1 PainlessSatori, Jun 30, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2015
  2. PainlessSatori

    PainlessSatori
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    Anyone?
     
    #2 PainlessSatori, Jul 1, 2015
  3. MarthRoyIke

    MarthRoyIke
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    Hello. Welcome to EC! You've come to a very open and accepting place, and you're not alone. :slight_smile:

    I'm not sure how much I have to add but I'll start by saying that the Kinsey scale goes from 0 - 6, so I'm not sure what a 7 would be. Maybe super-gay?

    This I think is the most telling. Not only are you not getting pleasure from what is supposed to be a really pleasureful activity, you describe it as 'suffocating'. That doesn't sound fun at all! Have you talked to your husband about the negative bedroom experience, or how you feel sexually at all?
     
    #3 MarthRoyIke, Jul 1, 2015
  4. confusedfemme

    confusedfemme
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    Hello, I am 31 and currently going through a similar situation, only we do not have kids. I completely understand how sometimes you can not realize whether you are just not with the right person or not with the right gender. I don't have any really good answers to that, but just know there are others that feel the same way as you do. The only suggestion I have is take time to think about all the details and what you really want out of life.
     
    #4 confusedfemme, Jul 1, 2015
  5. Chicagoblue

    Chicagoblue
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    Hi, I can empathize with you. I'm married and struggling much the same way. In any event, my instincts tell me you're trending toward bi possibly gay. I wouldn't overthink it. Children obviously complicate things. I wonder how your husband would handle things if you were to come out to him? Thoughts?

    Is it time to experiment sexually, socially, romantically? R U in an area with laid back places to meet lesbians? I found that I had to try to reconcile the difference between the excitement of doing something "taboo" versus how I really felt in my core. You can't get to that understanding until you meet some women and see how you feel about the whole scene.

    (&&&)
     
    #5 Chicagoblue, Jul 1, 2015
  6. maybgayguy

    maybgayguy
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    Hi Painless...I have no advice but feel the exact the same as you. It is such a struggle. I too am searching for what to do.

    This is EXACTLY the stage I am at. I wonder if it is simply something taboo about it or whether I need to be with men. How did you figure this out Chicago? Did you just meet the right guy?
     
    #6 maybgayguy, Jul 1, 2015
  7. Chicagoblue

    Chicagoblue
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    May, I'm still struggling and anxious because on the surface marriage and family are functioning. Daughter all American athlete just graduated from college, got great job, nice boyfriend, beautiful girl. Son has turned the corner and getting his act together. Wife good job, together person. Nice lady. She and I have had so many struggles and I don't blame my gayness on that. However it doesn't help. Just less interest in women and more in men.

    Have not found the guy yet but I'm not really free to of course. I do feel free to meet gay guys and not initiate but of course normally they want to. However my fantasies and dreams are tending toward images of a smart, athletic, professional guy good looking in great shape yaddy yaddy. I have not totally checked out of the marriage. She knows about my gay distractions and that I have had some encounters. Honestly, if I were in a better position I would just flip the switch, take the pain, and move on. Kids, finances etc are truly what hold me back. Not pretty, I know.
     
    #7 Chicagoblue, Jul 1, 2015
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