Where to start.... I am 25 and in a 7 year relationship with a really wonderful, funny, smart, polite guy. He is my best friend, no one can make me laugh like him, and I have never felt as comfortable with anyone else. And yet for a few years I've always felt like *something* was missing. I have flirted with depression and thought maybe once I was happy things would be good. And yet the happier I feel, the more wrong the relationship felt. I have always identified as bisexual, though beyond a few FMF threesomes I have never been intimate with a girl. My first crush was a girl in grade 8, which was not reciprocated and I ended up getting bullied about it by classmates. I have had several other serious crushes on girls but they have been straight. I always found myself nervous that any female friends may find out I'm bi and be scared away. That they would look at me differently. It's strange because my family and myself are in no way homophobic (my mother has told me she also identifies as bisexual) but I never was comfortable around my peers. I grew up in a small city and the only lesbians I knew of were stereotypically butch, and well not my type, the dream of ever finding a beautiful femme gay lady seemed so far away. Meanwhile I dated many guys, bit of a slut I guess. I did crush hard, but looking back it seemed more like I just wanted them to like me, not that I really liked them. Many times once I felt like I 'had' them I lost interest. To me sex was a way of making friends of getting people to like me. I can only really enjoy it if my eyes were closed and they were ahem going downtown, focusing only sensations or if fantasizing, it was about women. I generally hate reciprocating. Possibly Tmi but I did enjoy penetration but only if they were barely moving and I was ahem kind of just using their junk. When I started dating my boyfriend, we had been friends for a few years and he was so nice, the sex was okay, and he seemed like the greatest thing I had found. Over the years the sex has waned as I find myself less interested (not libido wise, I was still aroused just taking care of myself) in having sex with him. I rationalized it was the way long term relationships go, that it was about commitment. That the sparks go. I'm just sure there was ever sparks to begin with. Throughout this I have had many attractions and feelings about women but have always just pushed them down as 'I'm bi, but I'm in a long term monogamous relationship' so I can't act on anything. I did ask for a more open relationship a few months ago, and it was a total no go. Not even threesomes, he wants me just for him. I stayed because I can't bear breaking his heart. I realized I could deal with never sleeping with another guy, but the thought of never having a relationship with a women seemed so bleak. But breaking up with my life companion, the person I have spent years building a life with seems just as bad. I'm stuck. I'm hurting. I don't know if he'll recover, he's so introverted. Annnnd I keep thinking well sex isn't hugely important in the long term, so maybe I can just make this work? Because we have all the foundation of a good thing. Sorry for the long one, it just feels good to get it all out.
You remind me a lot of me a year ago, except 2 years in the future if I hadn't left my ex. I can't say what the right decision is for you, but I can tell you how my choices panned out for me. Last year I left my ex-fiance who I'd been living with for 5 years & came out as a lesbian. I gave up basically everything- my home, most of my money & friends, & my best friend in the whole wide world. And I successfully managed to disappoint practically everyone important in my life. But in doing so I gained my freedom & that has been worth everything. I'm happy for the first time in years. The thing that helped me make the decision was realizing that I had control over my life. I could choose to be depressed & dissatisfied but safe, secure, & loved for the rest of my life, or I could decide that wasn't the way I wanted the story of my life to end- & instead I chose a grand adventure, & I definitely don't regret it.
You can do better IMHO. You've mentioned many things that are (far) less than ideal in your life. You're not married; you have no kids. You're free to make some significant changes. I wish I were in your place. He has become your security blanket (although sounds like a great guy). Time to grow?
