Because it is a societal norm, heterosexuality, which create this ridiculous phenomenon of "coming out", to clarify that you are something beyond the norm. I hate the compulsive claustrophobic closet that i was put in since my birth. Think of it like this, people who identify as straight are actually spend their lives living in closets too. It might be that they could actually move comfortably in it. While roughly 2 percents homo sapiens don't. Is coming out of that freakishly uncomfy closet an act of entering another new closet ? Stuff like that. I felt like i might have to say something, after having spent time listening. Calmly. I was a child when i first put on my mom's dress. I actually like that softness of woman clothing, the softness of the free-floating long hair, the softness of female. I used to be obsessed with that fragility. I like girls, then contradictorily i want to become them, girls. Early preteens days was a strings of events which consist of imagination of how i would have looked in various state of girl's dressing, pretending to see shoelaces glued together put on top of my skull as hair, being genuinely intrigued by dolls but also toy cars and pokemon, strangely, fooling around on heels, eyeliners and woman overpriced cosmetic bullshit and whatnot. All of this was done in a very discreet state of mind. Like, uhm, a little secret of my younger self. Imagine Buffalo Bill and his guilty pleasure (with no skinning and torturing people of course). When i learned of the definition "transgender", i must have definitely considered myself one. I got, uhm, all the sensible "symptoms", lol. Thinking of how it is like to be a female is on top if it all. My personal psychological identity was extremely clear for a 10 years old kid : a girl. In seventh grade was the time i learned the state of being sexually / emotionally attracted to a boy. It was, inexpressible. Yet not surprising. Still this isn't something i have experienced before. A boy. The truth is that recollecting these memory, i felt a sense of bias. The first time my gender identity was interfered and struck by a very fundamentally sexual factor. I watched a gay film. I touched a boy's hand. I felt that softness again. The beautifully fragile softness of the concept "female" is now the softness of emotional affection. You know how on some Jupiter's moons, there existed water. But not our familiar kind of H2O. The temperature was too low, and our precious liquid on earth instead frozen, creating mountain, bedrock and landscape. The "water" on that moon might be , mind-blowingly, liquid methane. Methane. Most of your stomach gas. Methane. They say water is the origin of life. Imagine life with methane as water. Imagine how life there would be. Preciously outlandish. My transgender-identified self was an earth-based creature and my new unknown identity is life forms from io or some others Jupiter's moons. Talk about alienation. 5 years later, that little self-assured girl in me disappeared. She wouldn't recognise this guy here. I referred to myself as a "guy". I rarely think of dresses and tweed clothing anymore without her, for some reason. I should mention that i had never in my life considered transition as a sensible choice . Which leads to the true question. What really is being female ? What fundamentally is being a female ? What really is being a boy ? I may console myself by putting on a wig, some makeups and a nice dress. But at the end of the day, what am i ? Who am i ? A dress equals female ? Beautiful fragility equals female ? If you notice it, being a female is more of an phenotypical matter these day. I look typically female, okay, but am i am by definition a true girl ? I don't know. But then what is the definition of a true "female" ? Is it a social construct ?. At the end of day, it is some hormonal difference, some organic difference, some psycho difference. But so, so, so vital, gender, and so problematic, gender. I awared that people who have successfully transitioned may be offended at me calling their effort and sufferings pointless, but sometimes i wonder, what do you feel after injecting a shot of medical estrogen / progestin. Your true psychological gender identity has to be coordinated with your phenotypical shell in the most artificial way. Is this really about being a girl ? Or being a concept of "woman" ? With breast, vagina shaped organ, a female phenotype ? Or a concept of a "men ? The girl is gone. She stood up and walked away. The truth is that, all of the question above, i i think she asked it. Then she left. I'm now all alone. She was me. I am now me. I did however get to feel that fragile softness being a boy. Something that is probably socially prevented, you know, for a boy to feel. It makes me question the nature of gender. I rarely called myself "gay". Or even "bi". Those words are definitive description, you know ? I may as well say i do also like men, but never a definite noun. Not for something as haywired and so fucking complex as the labyrinthian world of the human mind. Google a neuron network in your brain. You'll see. Notice how recurring the word " i" in this post. I made this a subjective thing, you know. At the end i should probably stop wondering the whole who am i bullshit. We-human are so small after all. Thank you for reading the endlessly running rant train of mine which admittedly gets uncontrollable sometimes. The girl dies out, but she left some very deeply profound trace. Now i just have to cross that forest over there and take her back here, and hang out with her, in unison. Such a beautiful word, unison. Funny thing, there's a song called Unison. Then there's a song called White's Dream - i once listened to this song in a middle of a sleepless night. Then i free-floated. If you have a garden, walk out there in midnight. And see how everything get so alive in the night. It's weird. I was a lurker. Not now lol.
