Hi all, I am 23 years old in Australia. As with a lot of people, from the get go I assume I'm straight. As society says. Throughout adolescence, girls were ok, and I guess my brain was telling me that they were who I should be chasing after, but I was always sexually turned on by guys, though never acted on it (just a lot of checking them out!). I've never had a serious girlfriend, and only kissed a couple of girls. Reason for that being though due to my social issues at the time - I was on the outs at school a bit, didn't have too many friends, didn't go to parties etc. If I had been in with the cool kids, I probably would have had some girlfriends along the way. Since I finished high school, about 95% of my daily interactions have been with guys. I coach boys basketball teams, play basketball (obviously with guys!), and then my job is the same thing - about 95% guys. Even up to probably 6 months ago, I was convincing myself that I was bisexual, but just with a preference towards guys. Initially I thought it was a 60-40 preference, so I figured, hey, heck of a lot simpler to be with a woman, I'm going to do that. Then it became 70-30. Then 80-20. Then 90-10. Right now I think I'm still clinging on to that final 10%, and planning on getting married to a woman etc and having kids and just suppressing this gay thing for the rest of my life, but in the past week or so I've really been doing a lot of thinking, and am considering identifying as gay (meaning potentially coming out, actually looking to date guys), and hence here I am. When I was younger, and up until a few months ago when I REALLY started to think about this, I thought I had an emotional/romantic attraction to women, but only a sexual attraction to men. Whereas now that I think about it (and this has probably changed the last few months), I think I actually have a stronger connection emotionally to men as well. I really just don't understand or know anything about women. Really, a gay relationship makes more sense. Guys know guys, guys understand guys, they seem a heck of a lot simpler than women. You can share the same interests etc. etc., play video games together if you get my drift. Their sex drives are similar, women supposedly need to be in the right mood? Often would want you to be more romantic. Where as guys want the same thing the other guy wants. I know married guys sometimes joke when they are joking about their wife being a wife and say "Well, the other option is marrying a dude!" as though even for them sometimes that sounds like a good idea. I know my family and closer friends would be fine with it. No problems there. That's the good bit. But here are my sticking points, and the reasons I am hesitant to come out (particularly given that I am telling myself that I'm not sure if I'm 100% gay. 1. I am a basketball coach of a number of teams of 12-16 year old boys. This is my passion, what I get up for and love doing every week. I work really hard to be a great role model for the kids and have close (but completely appropriate) relationships with lots of them. I would hate to lose/break this trust. I imagine some parents (and potentially players) would be uncomfortable with this, and some may even pull their sons from teams at the point in the season when they find out. There seems to be a connection in most of the public's minds between homosexuality and pedophiles. Add in sports coach to that, and I can see some unhappy people. I could also imagine past players/parents feeling like I have been dishonest/untrustworthy by not disclosing this. I could see them thinking of past things (eg. wrestling with the kids in the pool at a break up, putting an arm around a player who has had a bad game) in a negative light, and things that I shouldn't be doing. And to be honest, I would miss that. In a completely non-sexual way, being able to pat on the back or put your arm around a player or have them hug you can be some of your favourite moments as a coach, in the same way a parent views those kind of interactions. But if I've come out as gay, doing any of those things would probably be viewed as inappropriate. Does anyone know of any male junior sports coaches who have come out as gay? What was the reaction like? 2. I am a Christian. I've done some reading on Christianity/homosexuality, and I'm really not sure about the bible verses that supposedly condemn it. The fact to me that there is such discussion on those certain verses, about specific translations, and whether words actually mean this or that, and context, makes me think "Should I really base my life around whether someone got a translation right? Probably not!". So what I do is think of the Jesus that I know, that I follow, and I believe that if he made me this way (and he certainly did, I definitely didn't choose to have these feelings/attractions), then I'm going to be ok. 3. And this is probably the biggest one of them all. I really want to have kids. Like really. If I'd met the perfect woman (let's just assume woman!) 5 years ago, and we were married, I'd be keen to have kids right now. Raising a family is something I definitely NEED to do. And the thought of not being able to have kids that are biologically mine really sucks. Adoption then - raising a family with 2 dads? Not so sure about that. And then there is the question of whether or not you are even able to adopt a kid. From my understanding there is not a surplus of babies up for adoption, there is a "demand" for them. Just writing this post has been therapeutic for me. It is the first time I have ever actually put all of those thoughts together and looked over them. If you have any advice or thoughts for me, in particular about the sports coaching issue, I'd love to hear them.
Yes I can understand your concerns, with the coaching you would have to keep it professional obviously. Would the people that run the league be accepting of your sexual orientation? I would think if they are fine with it, they would support you. I am sure that if you are a good coach that is motivating and fair, who also gives all the players a chance and that is well liked the parents would support you too. However I can see some people not being cool with it. You would have to prove that you're not a threat by being professional about your coaching and having people to back you up. So I think it can be done as long as you do it tactfully. Keep the parents involved and I'm sure 99 percent of them will be okay with it. Of course there are always a few bad attitudes, but isn't there in other situations also. As for being a father, that too is attainable. If you want something bad enough and you set your mind to it I think you can do it. There are several ways I'm sure you can do it. Do some research, try and find some same sex couples and reach out to them on how they did it. Anything is possible right? So I just wanted to give you some words of encouragement, and throw some of my thoughts at you. I hope it helped in some way, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
I'm pleased you found it helpful to write about your situation and all of the different feelings you are experiencing. The simple process of sharing can be a great relief. Acknowledging and accepting how you really feel is an important first step and I would strongly urge you to dismiss the idea of getting married, having kids (with a wife) and suppressing that now 90% preference for the same sex. To go through with that would be a lose/lose situation for you and everyone else involved. We have members who have gone down that route and I'm sure they would support what I'm saying. Concerning the issue of basketball coaching, I'm wondering if there is a coaching standard or code of ethics that you have to subscribe to in the role that might offer a definitive answer? Is there a coaches association that could offer guidance and back-up to you, if you decide to come out? The concerns you have, are shared by many professional people (gay and straight) who work with children, but your sexuality should never be an issue providing you are absolutely scrupulous in your conduct and act with professionalism at all times. If a parent removed their child from playing basketball because you are openly gay it would say far more about them than it would about you. I too am a Christian and I am openly gay in and outside of my church. I don't see a conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Out of all of the books that make up the Christian Bible there are only ten verses that are narrowly selected and taken entirely out of context to support the idea that same sex relationships are wrong and sinful. It's a very blinkered way of approaching scripture and the wider subject of human sexuality. I don't know what it's like in Australia, but in the UK it is possible for gay men to have children and to adopt. Again, it may be different there, but over here there is a demand for parents to adopt the kids rather than the other way around. It might be the inefficiencies of the UK adoption process that are to blame, I don't know, but adoption is worth considering if you find yourself in a position to offer a stable and loving home. Your experience as a coach would stand you in good stead as a parent, I would imagine. I hope my comments have given you some 'food for thought'. Feel free to reply in thread or send me a message if you'd like to talk some more.
From what you are saying, you are gay, and in the market for a partner to marry and raise a family. I would suggest that you start looking for some man who shares your interests instead of spending a lot more time trying to convince yourself to do the wrong thing of marrying a woman.
Original poster, I very much get where you're coming from. I was a hockey coach. I'm quite masculine and as a result had a hard time identifying with what is "gay." I really want kids. The only thing I don't relate to is the religion thing. At your age I was in your shoes: knew I was gay but concerned about coming out. If you want to talk more, hit up my wall. I just don't have the time at this moment to really delve into your post and might forget to check for your reply later in this thread.
Hey mate, I just read your post on EC. I'm 23 turning 24, and I guess I've also repressed my sexuality for a long time - ever since I realised that I was gay, or at least bisexual. I chanced upon this site earlier this year and part of my new year's resolution was to unload all that's been going on in my mind/life thus far. I'm halfway through my coming out journey, having just acknowledging my sexuality. I'm in a similar position as I'm currently studying in a health-related field and I'm not too sure if it would be fine to "come out". I'm not sure what my patients would feel and if some (male) patients would be uncomfortable with me treating them. I can't advise you on Christianity itself as I stopped attending church back in my home country after all the homophobic remarks made by some of the churches there. I guess the good thing about being in australia (well studying in australia for me) is that the environment/climate is much more LGBT-friendly. If I've stayed in my home country for university, things would have been very much different - the society as a whole is still somewhat harsh on the LGBT community. Heck even my family and friends aren't that LGBT-friendly to start off with. I guess the best advice that I can give you is to accept your sexuality first before tackling other issues that you have. I've also been speaking to a counsellor and that has really helped frame my perspective on certain issues. I'm studying in brisbane at the moment, and if you'd like to chat more just drop me a wall message. Take care, Leo
I appreciate all of you taking the time to write your responses. Thank you. The coaching thing is not really THAT much of sticking point. If that was the only thing stopping me coming out, it wouldn't stop me. What Guitar said here struck a chord with me: I'm quite masculine and as a result had a hard time identifying with what is "gay." If I was to come out, how I act wouldn't really change at all. Even if I came out, if you didn't know I was gay, you'd assume I was straight. And I'd want a boyfriend/partner who was exactly the same, didn't act "gay" (by gay I mean steretypically/queeny gay - apologies if that offends anyone). This sounds like a naive question, but are there many gay guys out there like that? Who act pretty much 100% straight except for that one minor factor of liking dudes? So I guess some of my concern would be, that I would come out as gay, and then end up not finding the kind of guy for me anyway, so I end up with the "inconvenience" of being gay, but still not getting a guy. Something which I didn't mention in my original post, which I have thought about a bit the last 2 days, is the fact that I am (what I now accept as) in love with my best friend who I have known for 5 years. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I'd say yes and come out to everyone without any hesitation. None at all. This kills me inside, because I know how happy I could be if I was with him the rest of my life. 99% not gay though, in a sexual relationship with his girlfriend. Something else which is in my mind is that I'm not really sure whether I am attracted to men, or just boys (by boys, I mean 15-20 year olds). Older men as in 30+ (with a few exceptions) don't do a whole lot for me at all. I'd almost say that I find older women's (MILFs) more attractive than older men (except for the fact they have one of those nasty looking vagina things, urgh!). I read a few posts in this forum that it is common for young gay men (who are in the closet) in my age bracket to often feel the desire for younger men/teenagers, as we are sort of still at that age from a sexual/relationship experience standpoint; arrested development. Part of me fears that I will not grow out of this, and not develop an attraction for older men as I get older, which is quite distressing. Any of the older people on here (apologies if this is a stupid question) - do you find people your age as attractive as or more attractive than those in their very late teens or early to mid 20s? At that age their faces are cute, their skin is smooth, their bodies are slim and tight but also muscly. When you get older, do you still desire that, but you're ok with your partner because you love them? How can you still find your partner as attractive at 45 as you found them at 25, because realistically, they're not. While far from an ideal solution, whether it is right or wrong, part of my brain is saying that the best thing for me to do might be to have some discreet "fun" with some guys at this point in my life, and then later on in life find a wife that I can LOVE and have kids and build a family. Can I love a woman as much as a man? Possibly not. But can I love a life without my own biological kids in it as much as one with them? No. It's a lose-lose situation unfortunately. ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2015 at 07:14 AM ---------- Thanks. I'd like to hear your thoughts on my recent reply.
I would say that the majority of gay guys out there act pretty much 100% straight most of the time, which is what makes them so hard to find, because they like to hang out in plain sight. If you want to find them more easily, you need to go to gay groups, such as meetup groups which identify themselves as catering to gays, or community alliances, or even gay bars which don't operate as dance clubs. They are all around you anyway, but because they act "pretty much 100% straight", i.e. like any other normal human being acts, and like you want them to, you are going to have trouble identifying yourself to them too, unless you give them a little help finding you. Somebody has to make the first move, particularly with guys who are in the closet and specifically trying to look 100% straight, even if they aren't.
I have made the decision to come out to my sister, parents and best friend (in that order) first, with others to follow soon after. The peace I have felt with myself the last few days accepting myself (even without anyone else knowing) has been immense. I have posted the letter I am going to read to my sister in the forum, if you are interested in reading.
Australianguy. Good for you. I'm glad you decided to come out to your mother and sister. Trust me they will still love you as they always have. As to acting Gay. This drives me crazy. I have always been me. I coached hockey, been involved with youth groups, on the Board of Directors of the local Community Center, and I run an adult hockey league. I'm me. I act how I act. If you call it straight acting that's fine. People say to me when I tell them I'm Gay"you never acted gay". I am just me. Just be you.
