my boyfriend and I have been together for over five months. I'm his first guy and he still hasn't come out to his friends. he's a dancer and none if his friends at the studio even know about me. his best friend is coming home from california in a few days and she doesn't know. the list of people that he should have told goes on and on. his parents know but only because his dad read his text messages one day. I feel like he's ashamed of me. is this normal for me to feel?
dont think its you. for some people coming out is really hard. they think their friends will leave them and so on. maybe once his friend gets there he might tell her? i know thats not something i would want to tell someone over the phone or in a text.
Everyone comes out at there own pace, and rushing it does more bad then good. You should just support him for when he is ready to come out.
I know and I feel so guilty.... I don't wanna rush him. I just don't understand. he came out to his all guy catholic school friends but not his dancer friends. I just want him to be able to take me out and be able to hold my hand even when he sees someone he knows. I want him to be proud of me and not try to hide me. I want him to be proud of himself. the bottom line is I love him and I can't hide it when I'm around these people, some of whom are my friend by coincidence.
Thats wierd, do you know why he came out to some of his friends but not the others? You'd think at a dancing school he'd be more comfortable, what's he trying to avoid?
I have no idea. he says that he just doesn't feel the need to go and tell everyone. but his absolute best friend ever doesn't even know. I guess he's scared she'll be hurt but I feel like the longer he waits to tell her the more hurt she'll be
I think you should have a talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you don't want to rush him into coming out to everyone but you feel he needs to be proud of his relationship with you. Coming out to his best friend seems like a good step, and if she takes it well and supports him he might be able to have the courage to tell everyone, and this way you guys can have a true relationship.
im not rushing him. my problem is that i think hes ashamed of me....... i'm pretty lacking in the self esteem department.
how you feel is quite understandable, but try not to let his issues with being gay relate back onto yourself. its being gay he is ashamed of, not you. That being said gently help him to come out. some of us do need a little push, and i believe if you ask most 'out' people who have come out they will say they are a lot happier now than they were before. be there for him and dont feel bad for him not being open with everyone. I also think you do need to let him know how he makes you feel by not aknowledging your relationship to his closest people. keep reminding him of how happier you are now than when you were in the closet, and how he can have that too. and him saying he doesn't feel the need to tell everyone is not the whole truth. not feeling the need to tell everyone that your gay is understandable but hiding your partner is not just effecting yourself. goodluck!
It could be that he values the relationship with the other dancers more than he did the guys at the Catholic school. As such he may be more afraid of them rejecting him.
yeah I agree I think he does value the dancers friendship more. but the thing is, they probably already know or think he's gay. and I can't really help him to come out because I never really did in that sense, I never sat down with my parents and told them, nor did I with my friends. they all pretty much knew. and then I had my first boyfriend and nobody even thought twice about it. so I can't help him with this and it kills me.
He came out to Catholic school people but not the dancers? Boy, he's new at this, isn't he? Just tell him you'll support him. If you have to be "my friend Adam" when he's at the dance studio, so be it. Heck, I was "the roommate" to my partner's parents...for over ten years. (They live 2000 miles away, so it wasn't as bad as all that.) But even they came around eventually. I have a feeling he'll become comfortable enough eventually that he'll let them know. Lex
We all definitely have our own process to go through. I remember, not that long ago, not being able to say the words 'I'm Gay' outloud to myself in an empty room, much less in front of anyone...a total stranger or my closest friend. It took me a while to get over my own internal homophobia. But, like the others have said, I'm sooooo much happier now that I don't have that pressure on the inside. I don't wear a sign or anything, and there are people that still don't know, but that isn't because I'm ashamed of being gay, or of my BF, it is just not relavant to my relationship with them. If they see me out with my BF or my other gay friends...its fine with me. The more comfortable he becomes with himself, the more relaxed he'll be in social situations with you. Please don't take it personally, he's protecting himself and not intentionally hurting you. ~~Talk to him about how you feel, but don't pressure him.~~ Tim
