Please Review My Coming Out Letter

I plan on coming out soon and I wrote a letter. I would really appreciate any feedback and criticism. I am going to censor any personal information. I am kind of rushed because I am supposed to go to a boy scout camp next week and I can't. It will be too painful. I would like to come out before then, but if I can't I am sure I can get out of it somehow. Its very personal, and kinda sad, but I just don't know where else to turn.



"I am a girl.

There is no other way to put it. I am a female. I was born in a male body, that is true. An unfortunate situation. Why the gods put my in this body, I will never know.

I am a transgender girl.

I have struggled with this for a very long time, my whole life. But I repressed it. I fought against who I was for my entire life. The Catholic beliefs I was raised on told me that I was wrong. That everything I was was a lie. I couldn't be who I was or a man in the sky would send me to Hell forever. I was so scared of going to Hell. I never did anything that was considered a sin because I was so scared that I would be damned forever. It was horrible.

So I fought with that. I denied every single aspect of myself until I became a mindless drone. I lied. I pretended to like things that were masculine. I tried out just about every sport. I wore camo and played video games. I made myself like rap music for a while and all of these things that were not me. Eventually, I was a completely different person, if I could even be called that. Eventually life became reading from a script. Every single thing that made me who I was I rejected. I hated. I hated myself because I couldn't be myself. I want myself. “Myself” was made up.

Eventually I broke. I couldn't take it any longer. I was alone and afraid. Some of my first major anxiety problems were about people wanting to hurt me. Now that I know I am transgender, it makes sense. 1 in 12 trans people are murdered, and 1 out of 4 have experienced violence in some way. Even my very first OCD like problems with outside, I believe was caused by not wanting to be seen as a boy by anyone.

Once panic attacks started happening, things got bad. I didn't want to go to school. My only explanation is, once again, I didn't want to be seen as a male by so many people. Having to dress like a guy is debilitating. Using male soap and shampoo sucks. Being called “*Name*”, “Man”, “Buddy”, “Son” is downright awful. Many trans people experience dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is “the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex.” Gender and Sex are completely different things. My sex, as of now, is male. My gender is female. Well, not entirely. The gender binary is the spectrum including male and female, nothing else. I am a non-binary trans girl. My gender is rooted in the female gender but contains elements of other genders as well, with male being the least prominent. There is an infinite number of genders. Not 2. 

I experience dysphoria in a few ways. First off is body dysphoria. I am in a body that is not my own. I may inhabit it, but it is not mine. I hate my penis. It shouldn't be there. The extra weight between my legs is a constant reminder that I am biologically male. I should have a vagina and breasts. There is no easier or less awkward way to say it. Secondly is social dysphoria. Being misgendered and seen as a male. It hurts, a lot. How would you feel if you were constantly called a man? It damages my self worth every time. I feel so bad about myself.

Eventually. I couldn't take it any longer. I started cutting myself. it became an addiction Eventually, I tried to commit suicide. 49% of transgender people will attempt suicide at least once, I am unfortunately one of them. I was fed up with this body and this life. At the time, I would never have admitted it or acknowledged that I am a girl. Now that I can, things are so much better. I don't need to cut myself because now I love myself. I turned to art. I turned to myself.

The day I left the Catholic church was one of the best days of my life. I say this not to denounce your religion, but saying that “belonging” to it hurt me. I say that because I never really believed in it, I just didn't know anything else existed. I experimented with Paganism. I identified as a Wiccan and a Druid for a while. Now I am on neither of those paths. I identify as a Heathen. The religion itself is called Asatru, but I dual practice with Celtic Reconstructionism, so I don't think it would be proper to call myself as Asatruar. Many heathens look down upon dual practice, but I don't care.

I only admitted and came out to myself as trans recently. I was questioning my sexuality for a while. Now I identify as pansexual. Pansexuality is not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity. I have been attracted to males and females. But that is irrelevant. If I like a genderqueer, or gender fluid, or androgynous person, that is great. I don't care about someones sex or gender identity, it has nothing to do with if I like them or not. I am romantically inclined this way as well.

Once I came to terms with my sexuality, things started opening up. One night I had a revelation. All of my repressed and denied feelings surfaced for the first time in years. It was heartbreaking. I looked into things and did a lot of soul searching. Once I came to terms with my gender identity, things got a lot easier.

I understand that this is going to be hard for you. Probably very hard. But I am done. I am completely done with lying to everyone. By the time you read this and talk to me again, I ask that you refer to me by feminine pronouns. She and Her would be amazing. I want to be called Aisling. It is pronounced Ash-ling. It means “dream” and it is associated with a genre of poetry involving princesses. I think it fits well.I am now, and have always been your daughter. I am some peoples niece and sister. I want to tell *Brother 1* and *Brother 2*. I just want to stop lying to everyone. I cant take it anymore. I can’t. Everyone needs to know. Eventually I want to tell the rest of the family. I want to tell the world.

Eventually I plan on socially transitioning. I don't want to be seen as a male ever again. It is too much to bear. I want to be seen as the girl I am. I really want to dress like a female. I want to wear dresses and skirts. I want to wear makeup and look pretty. I need to. Eventually I want to get HRT, hormone replacement therapy and block my testosterone and replace it with estrogen.

This is not going to be easy. For all of us. I am a pansexual non-binary transgender girl. This is who I am. Im not going to hide it anymore.


- Aisling *Last Name*,your daughter"



Like I said, any advice would be very appreciated. (*hug*)