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My coming out letter to my sister

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by australianguy, Jul 8, 2015.

  1. australianguy

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    Dear XXXX,

    You are the first person I have had this conversation with, as you are the person I trust most in the world. Mum and dad are great, but they’re “mum and dad”, you know what I mean :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    There is something about myself that I need to tell you, because I am sick of living in deceit and not being honest with myself, or anyone else, about who I am.

    I am gay.

    When I hit puberty, I started feeling a physical attraction towards guys. I’m sure puberty is confusing enough when you are straight, so I really didn’t understand it. Because guys are supposed to like girls, and being gay is wrong and different and certainly not what a teenager wants to be. So I never really even considered that I would “end up” gay, I just assumed I would date and marry a girl anyway, and those feelings were just kind of there but they didn’t define me.
    To have those desires and feelings like other teens do, but never being able to let anyone know that you are having them let alone have the opportunity to express them, caused me a lot of frustration and feeling of helplessness. I had these feelings, yet the thought of dating a guy never even crossed my mind. I was supposed to date girls. I had these feelings for guys, but didn’t really know what the feelings were.
    The awkward, clumsy, innocent and fun “dating” that young teenagers do certainly seems like a heck of a lot of fun, and something I do feel sad about missing out on.

    As I got older, I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual with maybe a 60-40 preference for guys. Not a problem I thought, the pros of a normal relationship and normal lifestyle and kids with a woman far outweighs my preference for guys, so I’ll just act straight.
    Then I realised my preference was really more like 70-30. Then 80-20. Then 90-10. To the point where I realised that, the only part of me that wanted to be with a woman, was the part of me that has been told to be that way by society.

    The following are things that I’ve only really noticed the last week since I started doing a lot of thinking. Obviously they have always been there, but almost at a subconscious level, I just accepted it as the way things were and never really put the feelings into words or thought about their cause.
    I cannot describe how horrible the permanent feeling that I have lived with the past 11-12 years is. It is like you are undercover. It is like you are living in someone else’s body, experiencing the world through someone else, because no one actually knows the real you. They don’t know who you are.
    When they tell you they love you or that they respect you or that you have integrity, you don’t feel good, because all you think is “Well actually, I don’t. Because I’m lying to you”. No one has actually met you. All of your relationships are built on false pretences, and so any feelings that come from them that should be good, aren’t. Those feelings that should be good in fact make you feel guilty for being dishonest to the other person.
    Whenever I feel good about myself about my coaching, about the fact that people think I have integrity and am a great role model for their sons and they trust me, I then remember that I have been lying to them, and that I really am not trustworthy, because they don’t know the real me. I feel like I am conning them, albeit unintentionally. The pain that causes is immense.
    In social situations, the only thing on your mind is not acting gay so that no one finds out your secret. You never get to just enjoy a situation and be completely yourself. You feel distant, almost as though there is a wall between you and everyone else, which I know has affected my relationship with all of my family and for this I apologise. Because as someone in the closet you have a constant paranoia about being found out, I realise now that the last few years I have subconsciously decided to act extremely unaffectionate towards you all in an effort to appear as un-gay as possible. This is going to change. I know that our relationships with each other will be stronger from this point on.
    There is a feeling as though no one has ever loved or liked ME. They’ve liked the fake me that they see, and that’s the me that lots of people do like and love, but I’ve never actually had the feeling that someone loved me as ME.
    All of life’s good moments feel somewhat dulled. You never feel 100% happy and in the moment, because every good moment comes with a feeling that the moment isn’t really happening to YOU. That you aren’t the one deserving this moment, that it’s the fake you that is in the moment.
    I cannot live with this feeling the rest of my life.

    To make things more complicated and even harder, I am in love with my best friend XXXXX. I’ve known him for six years now, often seeing him 5 times a week. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I can’t imagine how happy I would be with him. I really don’t know what to do with that situation. I can’t imagine losing him even just as a friend.

    The last week or so, I’ve thought 24/7 about what I want in life and what would make me happy.
    It has been filled with emotional highs and lows, from the happiness of one day accepting that I am gay and saying to myself “I am gay and I’m happy with myself for that” to the next day questioning “I don’t know, maybe I could be with a woman.” Back and forth, back and forth. Imagining in my head finally coming out to people and feeling free and alive.
    Just those short lived moments of happiness, and how I felt born again and actually like my own person for a few hours before I started to doubt again, were enough for me to make this decision that I have made to come out.

    You may or may not agree with this, but I feel at peace with god about this decision. The Jesus that I know would not want me living the way I have been.

    Without any question the hardest part of this decision, the one I have been agonising over more than any other, is that (at least for now) making this decision means that very likely I am going to be unable to have biological children of my own (unless a surrogacy arrangement is able to be worked out). This definitely kills a small part of me inside.
    I certainly have future plans to adopt and build a family, and people who have adopted seem to say that they feel no differently about their adopted kids than their biological kids, but this aspect of my decision is the one that definitely hurts the most.
    Unfortunately, for a gay guy who wants kids of his own, it is a lose-lose situation. With this choice to come out, I am at least living as ME and can have inner peace in my mind and heart, which may be the most important thing in life.

    I won’t seem any different from the outside in terms of my hobbies or how I dress. The only difference is that I’ll be happier and more full of life. And inside, the difference I’ll be feeling will be immense.
    What you will get from me from now on is the real me. The me who is not afraid to show affection at risk of being outed. I cannot wait to have relationships with people where they are having the relationship with ME, and all of me, without any secrets, and to be able to experience the good moments of life without that constant awful nagging feeling in the back of my head and heart.


    The best thing about you guys, my family, is that as soon as I contemplated the idea of coming out, I knew without a shred of doubt that you would be accepting of it and still love me just the same. To not have to worry about that has made this process much, much easier.
    Thank you for that.

    Love your brother.
    XXXX
     
  2. Van

    Van
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    Should we give opinions? :slight_smile:
     
  3. doinitagain

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    Hi australianguy

    What a beautiful letter. So much of will ring true for a lot of us. I wouldn't change a thing, but just believe in this, you are not lying to the world, the world is lying to you.

    In a class of 30 pupils, 3 will be LGBT. There are millions or people being lied to by 'the world', too afraid to come out.
     
  4. Pouletto

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    Great letter man. It's inspiring!
     
  5. CodeForLife

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    australianguy, this is a really well-written letter and I can relate very closely to it. Thanks for sharing your experience here. :eusa_clap I would be interested to hear how it is received as I am in a very similar situation! :thumbsup:
     
  6. Van

    Van
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    Well, I see other people comment, so here are my thoughts, as well.
    First, I need to say that you seem like a really nice guy and you're very articulate, so props to you!

    OK, so reading your letter there are two things that come to mind - 1. Are you sure you want this letter to be this long? and 2. I sense a touch of apologizing for being gay, which I don't think is necessary.

    Coming out is never easy, so I wish you good luck! (*hug*)

    Keep us updated!
     
  7. 50ishandout

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    Beautiful letter. We all have our struggles with Coming Out. You are You. Sounds as if you and your sister have a great relationship. I'm sure she will be your confidant as you Come Out.

    Best wishes on the future. Hope your Coming Out goes as smoothly as mine has.

    Life Outside the Closet is so much better.
     
  8. AJ56

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    This is truly touching. What a beautiful letter. I wouldn't change a thing about it.

    Keep us updated on how everything goes! (*hug*)
     
  9. australianguy

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    Phheeeewwwww. Just about to leave to go to my sisters house to come out for the first time.
    20 minutes and counting.


    Butterflies already going crazy. Think I might have to take a cab!!!!!


    Wish me luck!!!
     
  10. 50ishandout

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    Hope all went well. Which I'm sure it did.