I'm sorry Mom, I'm sorry Dad. I'm sorry Sis for the freak you think I am. I sorry brother but it's you who pushed me away and now I'm alone and I need a shoulder to lean on. I've always known I was different. I accepted who I was a long time ago. I've always liked guys and it was two years back when I accepted I like girls too. I was thought I was weird because I liked both genders, I never knew there was the term 'bisexual.' When I first saw the term, I knew it was me in some weird kind of way. I was happy to know that I wasn't really alone but I hid it and as I accepted that I also had to accept the fact that I didn't like my body. I wanted a flat chest and short hair and I felt like a guy. I liked and still do everything 'guyish.' I convinced myself I didn't find guys attractive, I was ready for T but there was the hurdle of my parents I was never going to pass. They saw my past search history...Oops. And started asking all the questions...I broke down and cried for a whole day. But I think it was for the best because I am not trans I am bi or something like it. Like right now I don't necessarily feel like a girl but I don't feel like a guy. I want a flat chest and short hair but I don't want to be considered a guy. I don't want to be considered a girl. I don't want to be handsome, I don't want to be pretty. I'm kind of confused....like I just want to have a flatter if not completed flat chest wear guyish top and jeans and colors and have short hair but not necessarily be called a guy. Does anyone else feel the way or am I alone? -- Also when my mom and dad found out they kind of both went different ways on it. My dad was just like "I love you no matter what." But my mom on the other hand yelled a screamed and said that God made me, me and that it wouldn't be right to change it. I don't blame her but I feel she added to my thinking because I wanted a pair of basketball shorts and she started calling me guy and asking me if I was gay and I think that it really made me think about myself and how I felt. It's hard to talk to my parents about anything.
You aren't alone. There are many people here on EC who are genderqueer and/or bisexual. And while I'm not exactly the same, I can relate to what you're saying. It can be immensely difficult with family members' acceptance, and it's the single thing that has held me from coming out. Gender and sexuality can be confusing things, but take your time figuring them out. There is no rush to label or define everything. Take it easy and (for lack of better cliches) be yourself. Grow into your identity. There are people out there who will love you for you, and you shouldn't be afraid to show that. Believe me, living behind a forced identity created to appease those around you is no real way to live. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to shoot up my wall. -Peter-
I don't think you're a freak. at the end of the day you are the way you are and you can't change that so the best thing to do is accept yourself and live. If they can't accept you that really sucks, and I feel for you because I'm in the same situation. Maybe they will come around once they see your personality didn't change, you live a decent life and you're ok. Some people are like that, they think that if you're gay/lesbian/bi you're going to do crazy shit. Maybe they won't come around. It hurts like hell when people are like that. Take care.
Thanks guys. I don't know how it'll pan out. I plan on staying how I am and when I move out I will dress more masculine when I am not around family. If I ever do find a girl a like I will have to come out. It's not necessarily that part of saying "Hey I like girls and guys and that's means I am bisexual." The part that would be hard for me to tell my family is "I'm a girl but also a guy...like at the same time. But I don't want to be called a girl or guy." That part wouldn't 'sit' right with them.
