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Here's the letter to tell my parents I'm actually their son.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Kodo, Jul 9, 2015.

  1. Kodo

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    Hello All,

    A couple weeks ago I posted my initial draft of the coming out letter I've written for my parents. It was very raw and personal - but the constructive criticisms given to me by my fellow EC members helped a lot with editing it.

    Below I've posted the revised version, probably what I'll actually turn in to them. It's extremely long so you don't have to read it, but I thought I'd put it in anyway should someone want to go through and offer input. Thanks.

    Dear Parents,

    This letter took me a long time to write, because what I will say here was very difficult for me to tell you. The first thing I want you to know is that I love you and thank God for giving me such amazing and caring parents. I guess the main reason why I hesitated for so long and resisted the idea of writing this was because I was afraid that if I did, you wouldn’t love me anymore. But the thing is, you have to know.

    You have to know that I have never been comfortable with myself, my body, or who I am expected to be. How do I mean? I mean that I am a transgendered human being – a person born with a body that doesn’t match who they are in their mind.

    This revelation may not be as shocking to me as it is to you hearing it for the first time. I know it’s hard to digest those words or to even consider accepting them. Stick with me a few more pages and I will try my best to explain. I guess the best place to start is from the beginning…

    I could not have asked for a better childhood or a better family or better friends. I was a happy kid. But I remember distinctly, at around the age of 10, a disturbing sense of feeling “different” from other girls. And with each passing year this difference escalated and intensified. When I looked around me, I was confused. I didn’t understand what it felt like to be a girl or what that even meant. I didn’t relate. I couldn’t. When puberty hit, it was like a punch to the gut. I panicked. I was horrified. My body was just wrong and it was getting wronger and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The idea of being proud to be a girl was completely foreign to me. In my mind, from as early as I can remember, this was reality: half of the population was lucky enough to be born male and the other half was cursed to be born female. The concept of one day being a full-grown woman was like a death sentence to me.

    But I ignored this and tried my best to accept the only reality that I was given – that I was and always will be female. I put on a mask to hide my struggles and pain. I didn’t know there was another option. The only answer I knew of was that I was somehow broken or defective. A freak.

    Then one day, I stumbled across a word. Transgender. I’d previously only associated that word with perversion or some disgusting thing that shouldn’t be talked about. This time though, I read into it just a little to see what it really meant. Do you know what I found? Every article, every page, every video, every story described exactly what I had felt all along. The biggest light bulb went off in my mind. I cried. I cried because I was so happy to finally know what it was, that I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t a freak, and that there is hope for someone like me. And I also cried because I was afraid and ashamed. I knew what this would mean for my family and my future. That scared me. Because it meant that because of this, I might lose the people I love most in this world – my family.

    I was at a crossroads. An obligation to tell you and live honestly weighed on me. On the other hand, I was tempted to play it safe and keep quiet until I was moved out and on my own and you couldn’t stop me. But that would be cruel, to spring something on you like that, spitting the news in your face and leaving you in the dust. I just couldn’t. So that’s why I decided to tell you now.

    I know that your convictions may prevent you from supporting me. And if this means you don’t want me expressing myself in this way while I live with you, I will try my best to honor that. But I tell you this so that you will be prepared. After I’m 18 I’ll put everything I have into transitioning medically and socially. If this means you don’t want me around anymore after that point, I understand. Whatever you choose to do, I’ll still love you.

    This was only a brief part of how I came to know that I am transgender. Below I will go more in depth on certain general topics concerning this matter, and what the term “transgender” means to me.

    Gender identity is simply the gender a person identifies as in their mind. The brain is where gender is established. An overwhelming 99.99% of people have a gender that matches their biological sex. The estimated 0.01% is the transgender population.
    Transgender people experience a mismatch between what their body is telling them they are and what their mind says they are. This causes intense psychological stress called gender dysphoria. As a result of this distress, transgender people can develop depression and anxiety, often leading to suicide attempts or self harm.

    Gender dysphoria is a crucial aspect in transgenderism and one of the most glaring pointers as to whether someone is or isn’t trans. Basically, this is a two-pronged issue. The first being an intense revulsion of one’s assigned sexual characteristics. The second being an intense feeling of lacking or desiring physical qualities found in the opposite sex. I say “physical qualities” here because these desires are not in any way sexual but rather a feeling that the person should have said characteristics.

    Below I will list the basics for both sides of GD found in a female-to-male (FTM) transperson:

    Discomfort with the following female characteristics-
    • breasts
    • menses
    • female body fat distribution, as found on hips
    • female gender expression, which includes clothing, hair, and other aesthetic expectations
    • voice
    • height
    • facial structure
    • lack of muscle development
    • hormonal/emotional fluctuations

    Desire for following male characteristics-
    • flat chest
    • body hair
    • male genitalia
    • muscle development
    • deep voice
    • adam’s apple
    • male body fat distribution, lending a more “square” or “triangular” shape
    • facial/neck structure
    • male gender expression, which includes clothing, hair, and other aesthetic expectations

    Gender dysphoria is always present though may fluctuate in intensity depending on the circumstances. Should a trans*male (a person assigned female at birth but who identifies as a male) see himself in the mirror, this may trigger dysphoria to be reminded of how his body looks and how he is not comfortable with that. Often, people will describe a feeling of “wrongness” with their bodies. Like it isn’t compatible with how they feel inside. They may attempt to hide their undesirable physical characteristics through various means of dress or binding.

    A huge point to bear in mind is the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Gender identity is the gender you identify as. It is what you are, whether male or female. Sexual orientation is completely different and has to do with who you are attracted to, whether male or female. Being transgender does not make someone gay, neither is it the result of such.

    What I have just explained in a rather scientific, impersonal matter about transgenderism I have personally felt and gone through. It’s important that you know this.

    I wish that I could give you the exact neurological cause for transgenderism but I simply cannot. To be frank, the cause is complex and largely unknown and I would be skeptical of it if I weren’t transgender myself. All I know is how I feel and cold, hard facts of the reality I am forced to live. The way I “know” I’m trans is the same way you “know” you are a man or a woman. If I told you to be the opposite gender, you would not be able to. It is incompatible. That is how I feel, forced to be a gender that I’m not and can’t ever be. So I know the path I’ll take, the only thing that can fix these feelings: transitioning.
    The transition is a pivotal phase in a transgender person’s life in which they transition medically and socially into their genuine gender identity. How far the medical part of transitioning will go depends on the individual and what they are comfortable with or feel they need.

    The biggest part of transitioning is HRT (hormone-replacement-therapy). For FTMs this is Testosterone, casually referred to as “T.” Testosterone is a very powerful hormone and provokes strong physical changes, and some emotional/mental changes. Once T is administered into the body, the person will go through a regular male puberty, the only exception being a lack of male genitalia. The potency of T will, after a few months, “reprogram” and override the typical female hormonal cycle. The production of estrogen will decrease and normalize to a level typical in the usual male. The next phases of medical transition would include surgeries to alter the chest and groin areas, respectively.

    Other equally important factors of transitioning would be social and legal. This would include a legal name and gender change. Socially, this would include gender expression or how someone presents themselves (as male or female) publicly.

    In all of this, it is important to return to our own convictions when it comes to the transgender issue. I cannot tell you what to believe but I can lay out a few of own my own beliefs and the reasons behind them.

    First of all, I accept that transgenderism is in fact “a thing.” It is real, and there are people who suffer from it. I regard it as a disorder, because it results from a neurobiological difference compounded through psychological development. It is a disorder but not a disease. And while this does cause suffering in those who have it, that does not mean they are perverted or mentally sick. They are simply different, born with a different set of obstacles to overcome than their cis-gendered ("normal" gendered) counterparts.

    I don’t believe transitioning is a sin. It's easy to put something out of your mind if it isn't a personal struggle. But for me it is personal, deeply so. I wish I could dismiss the entire LGBT "problem" and be simply a perfect, straight Christian girl or a perfect, straight Christian boy. But for me it isn’t that simple. Because of the fact I’m transgender, I am forced to consider very serious issues and implications when it comes to the LGBT community, transgender in particular.

    People were all created differently and change throughout their lives. For me, transitioning isn’t a choice. It is absolutely necessary for me to live. Because right now the pain of living as a female is unbearable and it’s only getting worse. I have no self-confidence and every day is spent in intense self-hatred. It makes me depressed. I can’t even talk to other people it’s so bad. If I hear my voice I shudder because I hate it. If I see my reflection in the mirror or if I go to the bathroom, I am reminded again and again of the body I am cursed to live with. The feeling of not being comfortable even around yourself is the worst kind of loneliness. This isn’t living and I won’t continue to exist in this way when I know the cure.

    I say this only so you can know how serious I am when I say I’m transgender and when I say I will transition in the future. I know that it will be hard for you, and I am sorry.

    My greatest apprehension in coming out to you about this was the possibility of hurting you. That was the last thing I wanted. And for a long time I felt ashamed – sad because of what this news could do to you. Yes you will lose a daughter and I know that you’ll grieve because of that. But think of the son you will gain. A son who can live outside that robotic, rehearsed façade of “female.” A son who can flourish and who finally has a chance to be free, happy, and confident.

    Throughout this letter I have listed a great deal of factual, generalized information but less about my personal convictions or plans. Granted, it was ill advised to tell you everything at once but I felt that I should since that is what I would want if I were in your situation. I’ll address a few points now hopefully to clarify some areas.

    Previously I mentioned sexual orientation and how that is different from gender identity but I didn’t say what my orientation is or how that will play into my future romantic considerations. Due to dysphoria – my sexual feelings toward men and/or women are both absent and right now I most closely resemble the label “asexual.” Despite this, I am convicted to romantically pursue only another transgendered person (Male-to-Female). If such a person never comes into my life, I will accept that and stay single and celibate.

    I understand that you will have questions, doubts, and concerns in response to all of this. I wanted to let you know that I’m open and will do my best to answer whatever you wish to know.

    This letter is a bit jumbled and I only hope that I got my point across well. It’s important to me that you know I wouldn’t choose this. I would never choose to open myself up to a world of social trouble, possibly damage my only important relationships, undergo expensive and painful surgery, inject myself with hormones every week for the rest of my life, risk disdain and ridicule from the church, and jump through countless legal hoops just because I “felt like it” or was mildly uncomfortable or dissatisfied. I would never choose that. If I could have simply been born with a male body that would have made everything simpler. If there was some switch in my brain I could flip to miraculously accept being female, I would. But there isn’t such a switch. I am what I am, and that’s just something I have to deal with. So no, I didn’t choose to be transgender but I am choosing to transition.

    If you cannot bring yourself to support me through this journey, I understand. Even if you never understand or never agree with me, that’s okay. All I want is to know that you’ll still love me – if not as your son, then as your child.

    Importantly, please understand that this was not your fault. You have only done right in raising me. This fact of my gender is not something you could have caused or prevented. And if it weren’t for the love you poured into me, I would have been in a far worse place today. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I hope I have explained some things about why I act and feel certain ways.

    For the first time in a long time I have been completely honest with you. I’m done hiding and I’m done hurting. I need to be free.

    Sincerely and with love,
    [Birth name]-for-now, Peter-to-be


    If anyone actually read all of that, you have an insane attention span and I really appreciate your time. If you have anything to recommend, please don't hesitate to comment.

    Thanks again,
    -Peter-
     
  2. QuecksilverEyes

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    Wow.
    You really put thought into that. I can't do anything other than to wish you luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. PerfectlyNormal

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  4. SJPercy

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    I did read most of the letter because I'd want someone to do the same. The letter is perfect and I wish you the best of the luck. :grin:
     
  5. Genderqueer08

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    Omgosh please let us know how it turns out hun!!
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    I read it all Peter and it's clear you have put a lot of thought and consideration into it. I would even say I learned quite a bit myself. :slight_smile: It will be difficult for your parents at first, but in the fullness of time they may be able to get behind you and support your decision to transition. If they are people of faith I do hope they will consider their response with the same degree of care you have shown towards them.

    Just a few small points... you used the abbreviated term FTM's at one point and that may confuse your parents. I would avoid any shortened terms for now. You also mentioned asexuality at one point and that may also require some clarification.

    I normally advise people to include information resources in letters, for example PFLAG. There may be others, but I used PFLAG as a good example. If your parents have a supportive website to go to, or some positive reading material it could smooth the way for you.

    If your parents ask questions (and they likely will) do try to remain calm and composed. Don't set a bad tone with anger or hostility if you are presented with an awkward or silly question/remark. It's normal for people who have little or no understanding of LGBT issues to make comments or ask questions that are based around societal stereotypes and we need to be aware of what's happening and react accordingly. Lashing out is the very worst thing we can do. We should always aim to turn our parents into allies, rather than enemies.

    Good luck. Let us know how it goes.