Coming out letter for my mom

I wrote this because I've chickened out on coming out to my mom 4 times now. I was wondering if y'all would give me your opinions on the letter, because I'm giving a copy to my cousin in case I don't tell her by the end of 2015.

Dear Mom,

I write this, worried, and wanting to close this program and shut down my laptop, but I know that if I can't bring myself to tell you in real life, this is my back-up. First, a question, remember how you always asked me if I was gay? Remember how I always acted weird, saying “No, no, I'm not.”? Well, I wasn't lying, but I wasn't completely honest either. I am not gay, nor am I straight, I don't like using a label for my sexuality (albeit there is one) but I'm just going to say I'm lovesexual. I know, this sounds stupid, but basically, I like guys, girls, and people who identify as neither. I like people for them, not for their genitals, not for what sex they are.
The label for my sexuality is Pansexual. The prefix Pan- is Latin for “all”, so Pansexual means allsexual. I see past peoples sex and gender identity and like them for them. For a long time, I tried hinting this to you, even before I knew about Pansexuality. Remember years ago, when I would say I liked people for their personality, not about how they looked? That was me trying to come out when I didn't even understand it myself. This is not the only thing I'm coming out to you about, but this was the one I learned, and accepted first. I am already out to CJ, who was amazingly okay with it, even though he had to have it explained to him 4 times, I guess some things never change.
I'm also not Cisgender. Now, this one I beat myself up about for many years, since I was still in elementary school. You know I've always been fairly... feminine for a guy. I used to hate that, tried to suppress it, hide it from myself, and that didn't work, in fact, all it did was make me angry, spiteful, and I took it out on you, dad, and Becca (although the latter 2 kind of deserve it). I apologize for that, it wasn't right, and I've matured a lot since then. In 2011, I learned about Transgender people, people who felt they were born in the wrong body. Until recently (October 2014), I thought I might be Transgender. I talked with CJ about it, and he usually just told me I was copying people.
CJ telling me that really hurt me, and made me feel like he could be right, even though I always had days where I felt very feminine, and others where I was very masculine, still others where I was both or neither, and I, whilst dealing with a depression that started because I realized how fragile human life was (This was during Grandpa's stays in the many nursing homes and hospitals), and when that combined with me questioning my gender, I felt like I needed to talk to you about it, but never could bring myself to do so. Again, I apologize, I was scared, foolish, and afraid that you would be mad at me.
In October, I was on by LGBTQ+ Instagram, when a post caught my eye, it mentioned Genderfluid, which listed everything I felt, and I decided to do some research. You know me, I spent months beating myself up, dealing with a wonderful little thing called dysphoria (which I had also learned about that October), and doing research online. I Dm'd several of the Instagrams and Tumblrs I followed that had Genderfluid admins. I asked them, and they all felt like I did, then I joined several LGBT forums, and asked there, and again, all of the Genderfluid individuals said they felt the same as I did.
By January of 2015, I was still trying to figure it out, feeling I was just copying the tumblrs and instagrams, and felt I was alone in that feeling (which I did not ask about). One day I looked up Trans* comic on Google, and a tumblr popped up, called Portside stories. It showed a boy dealing with trying to figure out his gender identity, 4 years after his best friend came out as a Transgender girl. He felt the same way, and the comments and re-blogs all said the same thing, “This is exactly how I felt” or “This is how I feel” all talking about questioning gender, most genderfluid or agender. It really helped me, and in June, I accepted myself as Gender fluid. I still feel lonely sometimes, but now I have an online support system. In early July, I started coming out online, and chatting with other non-binary individuals, they helped me pick a name for my female self, Rylie (pronounced like Riley), and gave me tips on dealing with dysphoria.


I'm sorry I hid this all from you for so long, and I'm holding back tears as I type this (you know I don't cry easily), but I love you, and I was scared, I didn't want to risk you getting mad, or hating me. I've heard so many stories of “I thought my parent would be accepting, but they kicked me out of the house when I came out” and similar things. I know I can't come out to dad anytime soon, but coming out to you is a massive step, and I pray that you still love me. I'm absolutely terrified that you won't, which I know is a stupid fear, but it is one I have.
One reason I am so aggressive sometimes is my dysphoria, I still am not good with coping with it, or combating it, and it makes me very easy to anger. I know I shouldn't take it out on you or the family, but listening to dad and Becca be homophobic and transphobic, it scares me, and only makes me feel terrified that they might find out before I'm ready for them to find out. I am sorry, for being so aggressive, but the dysphoria did do one good thing, it combined with my bad body image, and really motivated me to lose weight. One reason I lost so much is because I thought maybe it would be easier to come out if I had one less thing to worry about.




Your loving child,