-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't really know how to start so I guess I will jump right in. So, here I am almost 17 living in the midst of the most socially conservative area of the country; the bible belt. And you know what, I'm scared, I'm terrified. I wish I was strong enough to say screw it I am who I am and if you don't like it you can leave but I'm not. Above all else my family exult religion. I was raised as a fundamentalist evangelical Pentecostal Christian. My grandfather, my great grandfathers and so on and so forth were all pastors. My families entire identity is completely and utterly intertwined with their religion. Without their beliefs, they are nothing. By me simply being who I am, I completely subvert and reject who they are. I know if I completely come out to all of my extended family (aunts, uncles and cousins) that our relationship will be over. They will avoid my family, for fear that I may corrupt their children. My mother knows, though she can't talk about it. She just doesn't know how, she loves me unconditionally but she doesn't think its right. My father,..... well,more than anyone else I'm most terrified to tell him because he will love me and that's the problem. He will love me so much that it will break his heart. He will think I'm going to hell, he will think he failed me. I never ever wanted to disappoint, fail him or hurt him. Though I long ago stopped believing in heaven and hell, sometimes I'm struck with this incredible bolt of guilt and shame. Sometimes I feel as though I truly am going to hell. Memories and scriptures from a youth spent in Sunday school crop up in my mind and I feel a burn in the back throat; a desire to wretch in disgust at what I am. Even when I myself was religious or unknowingly queer I never really thought that being a homosexual was particularly wrong but there is a world of difference between not condemning gays and being one. It complicates things even more because I'm not completely settled on my orientation, I just know I'm not straight. Even as I'm typing this I'm terrified that my fathers going bound in pluck my tablet from my hand and see what I'm so desperately afraid of. The paranoia is killing me. I feel like I can't breathe. The desire to just be out with it is stifling. But, I know that if I come out now ill regret it. I can't come out to my father while I'm still living in his house; hell, when I'm still in the region. Well, I'm sorry for throwing all of my emotions at you but I guess I needed to tell someone what I wish I could tell my parents.
Hey, it will be okay. If you're not entirely sure you're ready to come out, don't. You said you were seventeen so I'm guessing almost eighteen? You're almost considered an adult. Tell them after they don't have to worry about it. When you're out of their house their friends can still go over and not get "corrupted" because you won't be there. You've got your whole life ahead of you, don't stress yourself out.
