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self doubt

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by devushka, Dec 17, 2008.

  1. devushka

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Northern VA, soon to live in CA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'll try to keep this fairly brief, but lots of thoughts are floating through my head and I can't sleep, so sorry in advance if this is too long or muddled.

    OK, so I had been questioning for a couple of years and finally decided to come out as gay this fall when I started college. I was only out to a few friends at college and then a couple of LGBT groups on campus which I joined to get to know people. I got home on winter break a few days ago and yesterday my mom confronted me about my orientation. I'm really close to my family and talk to them a lot . I let something slip on the phone a few months ago when I was trying to date a girl. I guess my mom had been wondering since then and never talked to me about it until she saw me in person. My family is really liberal about homosexual issues, so I wasn't really expecting a problem with coming out, but I was sort of surprised when she mentioned it and wasn't really ready to fully come out to her. But she asked, so I told her the truth--that I'm really only sexually attracted to girls. My problem is that I don't think she, or my sisters (who I tried to tell at the end of the summer--we're really close) actually believe me. My mom started to tell me about my uncle's friend who thought he was gay, but then ended up getting married (I don't know him, maybe he was bi or something). I stood my ground and just told her not to worry and that I'd handle it, but right now I wasn't interested in dating guys, but it just opened up this huge thing of self doubt.

    I was sort of a "late bloomer" in terms of realizing my orientation. I basically had no idea I was anything but straight until I was 17 and got a crush on my friend. Looking back on it, I only have ever had one serious crush on a guy in my life and remember that I never really got crushes or found guys attractive when I was younger, but at the same time, it had never occurred to me I could be gay until my senior year. I think now that I may have had subconscious crushes and was attracted to girls, but didn't know what it was. I was very naive sexually as a young teen. But basically, the fact that I never knew until I was 17 means that all along I've had this self doubt and reluctance to label myself. like I never fully believed I was gay, but yet I don't feel attracted to guys. I finally accepted myself this fall and was feeling comfortable at college. My friends accept me, I fell for a girl (but was unsuccessful.:rolleyes:slight_smile: I'm starting to make friends in the queer community, etc. and then I came home and this happened. I feel like I've made a huge step backwards. I feel really awkward around my family, like things aren't the same, and I regret that I said anything. I don't even know how I feel anymore.

    another thing is my best friend at college is this great guy and we have a great emotional connection. I sometimes wonder how things would be romantically, but feel nothing for him sexually. I guess that between these two things, I've been feeling really screwed up this week. any advice?
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    If you were sure when you came home, don't let anything your family says cast any doubt in your mind. I had no clue that I was anything but straight until I was 19 or so. But once I started thinking about guys, and dating guys, I knew. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. NoLeafClover

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    I have an awful habit of letting the little things people say make me doubt myself. It's important to remember that you're the only one that can tell what you're into.

    Right now, this very moment I'm calling myself gay because I know as a matter of fact that I like men. Maybe it'll be different tomorrow, or ten years from now - maybe it won't. I can't wish one way or another, I just need to follow my heart :icon_bigg
     
  4. Jesse Jinx

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    I think we can all feel your pain to some degree. Just make sure you remember that only you know you best. You are who you are right now. Mabye it is a phase, mabye it's not who you're going to be forever, but this is who you are right now. This is where you're at. What ever you need to do to feel comfortable in your own skin is what you should do. And your family should support you in that, and if they don't it dosen't change who you are.

    Keep us posted. <3
     
  5. Starshine16

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    devushka,
    I have you beat.I had no idea that I was anything but striaght until I was 20.When I became sure that I was attracted to both sexes and would consider dating and being with either sex,that's when I knew.Like Lex said,if you are sure in your own mind that you are only interested in dating girls then that's all you need right now.Coming out to your mom,though unintentional was incredibly brave and I think you would do yourself a great diservice if you were to keep regretting it.It may take your mom and the rest of your family some time.As for your mom telling you about a friend of your uncle I think she was testing you to see how confident you were with your sexuality.While this may not be you in 10 years,it is you now and the chance of sexuality changing drastically is very slim.