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Really Scared of Coming Out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tbbm, Jul 13, 2015.

  1. tbbm

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    So, I recently moved to Portland from Arizona, and got a girlfriend and now she is pregnant (which I am super excited to be a dad). I'm 20 yo. I come from a very conservative Christian extended family and my parents are Christians but much more modern and supportive. I do not believe in Christianity anymore and would consider myself agnostic, but My parents know nothing of that. I have known I was BI since I was in JR. High. I Came out to my parents after attempting to kill myself, and they immediately put me in counseling and I got psychiatric help. It helped me cope with my depression, but they were also trying to "cure" me from being attracted to men. I went along and pretended I was cured. I had a few flings, secretly, with guys in HS but never told anyone about my true feelings. Now that I'm in this new, very open city where you can be yourself... I just want to come out!

    But a few things I am worried about:

    1-I know my parents will love and accept me for who I am, but I am more worried about them and the rest of my family being very angry cause through coming out publicly, I will also be denouncing my faith.

    2- What will my girlfriend think? She was raised in a conservative household, but her uncle is Gay and they get along great. She can be jealous at times cause she has very little self confidence, even though I am very loving an d try to boost her confidence every day. Will she break up with me? I'm worried she will think i'm coming out cause I have a guy in mind. Or she will not see the point in coming out publicly unless I was being on the open market for dating... when really I just want to be fully myself. What will that mean for our child? If she breaks up with me, will she not want me to see our kid?

    So many things I'm scared of happening... anyone have any advice?
     
  2. amorvincit

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    Hi tbbm,

    I read your email and got me thinking... a lot. I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing, whether it is coming out or staying in the closet. But whatever decision you make, you should think mostly about yourself, about how you'd feel not only now but in the future. I wouldn't worry much about religion or what your parents may think. (I know, it is easier said than done). But trust me, if your parents love you they will accept you as you are. They just want the best for you. As for your girlfriend, that seems to me a completely different story. I guess you cannot expect her to stick with you after you come out. She might, but it is not clear that either one will want that. Finally, in my opinion your fatherhood is independent of your sexual orientation. Even when she might not take the news well, the odds are that she will want to have the kid's father around to raise him. And if that's not the case, there are always courts to protect your rights. Just a few thoughts, hope it is useful...
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    Hey tbbm

    You need to be very clear with yourself about what you want sexually. You identify as bisexual. Do you want to date guys and still see your GF? Or do you plan to break up with her so you can find a BF?

    It would be a mistake for you to continue your relationship with your GF without disclosing your sexuality. Please do not marry her without coming out to her. Trust me, it gets exponentially harder if you come out when you are married.

    Once you have clarity, I would advise finding an attorney in Oregon to discuss the implications with regards to your child with her.

    HTH
     
  4. Christiaan

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    Well, if you are truly bisexual, not gay, then the first job is to cure some harmful biphobic myths.

    1) Contrary to popular belief, bisexual men can be very faithful. They don't go through a marriage all frustrated because of not acting on their attraction to men. My partner was very bisexual, and he also had very strong feelings about fidelity. Your girlfriend should not feel intimidated by you being bi. If anything, it gives you and your girlfriend something more you have in common with each other. You could enjoy gay porn together, even: it's better than straight porn, anyhow.

    2) Bisexual men do exist. They are not just gay men who are somehow "in denial." They really have attraction to both sexes. My partner was in long relationships with both sexes, including a long and happy marriage that was only ended by cervical cancer. As a husband, he was very devoted.

    And stay on that vein. Be ready to gently shoot down the most common harmful myths, when presented with them. Don't be scared. Be armed. If she needs anyone to confirm that bisexual men can be absolute saints, then let her talk to me. I will stand up for you because I will always stand up for my partner.

    ---------- Post added 14th Jul 2015 at 07:58 AM ----------

    I meant to add to item 2, my partner was also in a decade-long relationship with a man previous to his marriage, and it ended while they were in graduate school. They were oddly not jealous of each other's adventures with women, but when one started to suspect the other of running around with another guy, when they were both under hardcore stress, things just blew up. They later remained friends throughout their lifetimes, and I am now friends with his ex.

    And he and I were in a relationship that went on for four and a half years, until his death. He was also with other men, for briefer periods.

    So, he could do those things, but he could also handle a marriage with a wife, and he raised two children with her.

    ---------- Post added 14th Jul 2015 at 08:00 AM ----------

    And I am also friends with his step-son, by the way, and I am friends with his daughter and grandson. He had a very close relationship with his kids and grand-kids. My partner was absolutely NOT hindered, in his performance as a father, by the fact that he was bisexual.

    ---------- Post added 14th Jul 2015 at 08:04 AM ----------

    Just show her what I'm writing, here. I have a fire in me to defend bisexual men as good husbands for both men and women. I am deeply privileged to have known a man like my partner.
     
    #4 Christiaan, Jul 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2015
  5. tbbm

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    Thank yall so much for contributing. I obviously still have a lot to think about. But I feel better now that I have said something and gotten feed back here. Thank you!
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Thanks Christiaan for sharing the possibilities of serial monogamy that bisexual men are capable of.

    I identified as bisexual for nearly 5 years with escalating scores on the Kinsey scale until I made the leap to identifying as gay. Clearly you need to figure out which path you are on. Congratulations for having the courage to start your journey of discovery!
     
    #6 SiennaFire, Jul 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2015
  7. Christiaan

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    He kept a gay relationship going for ten years starting in the 1950's, and he later raised two children with his wife and stayed faithful to her through a bout of cervical cancer.

    The idea of having only one partner in your lifetime is only realistic in a world in which the average life expectancy is 30. Even those who never divorce will go through several relationships before marriage and after the deaths of their partners.

    Also, you just made a very hateful disparaging remark of a man whom I lost to pancreatic cancer just this past April. It tells me a lot more about you than it does him.
     
    #7 Christiaan, Jul 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2015
  8. SiennaFire

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    I do not intentionally make hateful disparaging remarks. Can you please elaborate?
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Jul 14, 2015
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  9. Christiaan

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    "Serial monogamy" is a cruel term for disparaging people who have had to start over after the hardship of divorce or otherwise losing a partner. That break-up nearly killed him.
     
  10. Invidia

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    Be nice, all.

    I'm so sorry to hear that happened, Christiaan.


    OP. I think, in your case, honesty with your girlfriend is the best idea.
    Honesty online in general or with everybody is something to think about... what are the pros and cons? Could you stand not being out? How would you feel about being out, would it feel better? Such questions. Calmly if you can.

    And congratulations on being a dad!! I'm happy for you.
     
  11. well. i guess i have a few questions.

    1. is your goal to stay with with one person (your girlfriend) in the relationship and you just want to come out to her and others to let them know you're bisexual so they know who you are fully?

    2. Do you want to EXPLORE any romantic relationships with Men?

    if your answer is #1, i think that's great. i think your girlfriend will understand. Bisexual does not mean you cannot be faithful. it just means that you can be attracted to both genders. What i am sure your girlfriend will want to hear is that "hey babe, i'm bi. i just wanted you to know since we should have secrets and we're going to be raising a kid together, but this doesn't mean i am going to try and act on anything with guys or with girls. i'm committed to you and love you. but i did want you to know that i have messed around with a few dudes before but just was telling you so we have everything on the table and that you know who i truly am. again, i a one-person- kinda person and just interested in you."

    if your answer is a combination of 1& 2 or just #2 alone, then it depends on your girlfriend and how open she is. some women can be like, "ok thats cool. i've been with some girls before too. i'm down for an open relationship as long as we tell each other about who and what we're exploring". Some women would be like, "ohhhh hellllll no, you mean to tell me we're raising a kid together and you want me to let you have a boyfriend on the side EFF YOU". some women would be like, "i'm not sure what to say about this...." and then they go into silence mode. So it just depends on your girlfriend and how open she is.
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    My goal in contributing to this thread is to help the OP think through his relationship with his girlfriend. Clearly you and I offer different perspectives on bisexuality, and I feel this has become a distraction to helping tbbm think through his issues.

    I am unaware of any negative connotations of the term serial monogamy. I was attempting to celebrate that the bisexual man that you love was able to be monogamous through a series of relationships. I believe that was the point that you were trying to make for the benefit of the OP?

    I am sorry that you lost him to pancreatic cancer. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a loved one (*hug*)
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Jul 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2015
  13. Christiaan

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    I am very sorry that I reacted badly, then. I should try not to be so oversensitive.

    When conservative Christians use the term "serial monogamy," they are often disparaging the validity of your relationships.
     
    #13 Christiaan, Jul 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2015
  14. SiennaFire

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    I am sorry to have triggered this reaction in you. I never was a conservative Christian. I'm a liberal from up north, so I do not fully understand how hurtful these words are to you. I'm sorry brother.