Falling for K

First thing first, hi everyone!

I've been reading this forum for some days and found it quite helpful and nice to read, so I've decided it's time to write my first post (yay!)

Before I get my hands into it, I'd like you to know English is not my first language so you may find some spelling and grammar issues and such, but you will hopefully get the idea.

Okay, where to start? I'm Spanish, 20 y.o., my name's Daniel. I've been aware of my homosexuality for many many years, but nobody knew about it. I just didn't feel like I needed to spread the secret. Guys got my attention here and there, but there was nothing serious to consider coming out even to my closest friends or anything. I've known some of my friends since the first school grades, so I'm talking about 10+ years friends.

However I eventually found a new group of friends. Although I kept contact with my school mates, I began to go out with these new friends. In some ways they taught me many things I did not experienc with my school mates, and I soon made some of my best buds in this new group.

One of them, (I'll call him 'K' from now on), really drew my attention. He was cute and all, but there was more to it. We really made excellent buds soon, in some ways our friendship was deeper than any other friend I'd had before. After some months of amazing friend relationship, I started to realize I had a crush on him.

Each day I thought of him more than the day before. Not only was I sexually attracted to him (not much, by the way, but those feelings were there), above all I really wanted to spend my time with him, were it go out with him, play cards or just talk with him. I could not really tell if he had those feelings too, obviously we were excellent friends but I did not know if he felt something special too.

About him, he had a girlfriend when I met him first. However they broke up and from that point on (it was shortly after knowing him) I never saw him with a girl. As I said he's pretty attractive so many times, when we went out to have a drink or something, some girls would casually try to flirt with him but I did see him rejecting these girls a few times. Anyway, he looked like, acted like and sounded like a totally straight guy. But that behaviour with girls, and the fact we were really close friends, led me to think there *might* be some chance to get that feeling back.

One day, he talked me about two girls of our group that drew his attention. We rarely talked about girls, but sometimes we did. Well, after asking my advice, he ended up kissing one of this girls that night. I was not having much fun seeing how he looked and talked to those girls, so when he kissed her, I was totally mad. I took my coat and left the bar.

I was greatly surprised when he reached me in the last moment (remember he was kissing that girl a second before!) and told me he wanted to accompany (sp??) me to the bus stop. While we walked, I was silent and pale because I really didn't know what to say. He was talking about that girl and he didn't know if he did right picking her instead of the other girl and blah. When we reached the bus stop, he asked me if I was right. I obviously lied and told him I was a bit tired and wanted to go home to sleep. He seemed to believe me and he went back to the bar. My mind went blank as I saw him fade in the distance, and after a few moments that I stood still, I started to run back to the bar.

I didn't know what I was doing, but I went to the bar and when I reached the door, he was just stepping inside. I called him, and when he turned to face me it was as if he had seen a ghost or something. He asked me several times what did happen to me but I didn't answer and just walked a bit further of the door. He followed me and asked me what happened again.

I eventually drew strength enough to tell him, "I'm tired of going back home every day without telling you how much I love you. Please do not ever change." I squeezed him and went home. He didn't even have time to answer.

On the way home I was terrified about what I had done. I did not know if I did right, or even why did I do that. The next day he (and I) were completely normal.

That was about two years ago. Some time passed then, and things went ok. We were exactly as good friends as before, and we did not mention anything about that little incident. I, however, felt like I needed more. I still loved him much and needed to talk to someone about it. I decided to start coming out to my closest friends, (something, however, I decided to do before but didn't found the moment or strength to do it). The first one I picked was my closest friend from school (remember, those long long time friends of mine).

I told him I wanted to tell him something and dated him to have a walk. He was quite worried because he thought it may be something important. We talked about anything for some time, then sat on a bank. "So", he said, "what was that thing you wanted to tell me?". I was silent for a second as I didn't really know how to say it. Then he helped out a lot saying: "If it is you're gay, I already know and I don't mind" and smiled. I just told him, "Yes, it's that". I thought the worse had passed but then he laughed and said: "lol, now, serious, what is it?". :icon_eek:

I swear it took me about 20 minutes to convince him it REALLY was that. I knew he would be great with it, because I've known him for that long and I really did expect his good response. He was, however, deeply shocked about I was able to hide it for so long without ever looking suspicious.

I did talked him about K, too. However, as K was one of my new friends, he didn't really know him much (they saw each other once, maybe two times till then). I did it! I finally came out to my closest friend.

From that point on, I started to spread the secret (slowly and gradually) among my closest friends. The next and most relevant was 'H', who turned out to be my new closest friend (he was from my new group of friends). We were excellent friends, talked about anything, we even lived near each other and passed many time together. He has proven with time to be one of the most amazing people I've ever known.

Anyway, one day we were walking home as usual chatting about anything. I felt like that was the moment, walking by the street while we were casually eating an ice cream. I just said "I'm gay". I had to repeat that same sentence about 5 times before he started to laugh out loud and say something like "don't be stupid". ¬¬ Again, it took me long to really convince me that I was not joking.

It's curious, but each and every friend I've came out to has asked in the first place the same question. "Who else knows?". In this case, I said only my old school mate knew. He asked how come K did not know, as close friends as we were. So the answer was quite obvious here.

Some days had to pass for H to really trust I was not joking. After that, he helped me each time I was down and asked me about my feelings about K. He advised be not to get my expectatives too high as K was most certainly straight. I said I already knew but could not help but think about him.

So, time passed as usual and I felt like K had to know. It took me some time to think wether he should know and how could I tell him, and finally chose to just say it.

I told him I wanted to talk to him about something important and we dated for a walk. I just told him "I love you" and he went "Yes, I already know". But I thought he figured I said it as friend, so I said "No, I DO really love you" and then... Then he repeated "Yeah, I know". He talked about that night I told him that, he told me he could not feel the same back about me, but he said that I could count on him for just about anything I needed. He told me he felt perfect with it as long as I was ok, he didn't mind and he would still be my best bud. I did not speak a single word in those 20 minutes because he said it all by himself.

Well, after that, you can imagine I could do nothing but cry. I really held myself quite well and did not drop a single tear while he was there. When everything was said and I had to go to work, and he was not before me, I sat down and started to cry as a little girl.

Hmm this is getting pretty long so I'll try to cut it down to the most important. After that I got worse about him. I did not really know if it was because he rejected me (although his behaviour was simply perfect), because I felt so much weaker than before, or (most likely) because I started to realize I could never get him the way I wanted to. I had to get all the support I could from my oldest friend and H, and even from K himself who proved again to be one of my closest buds.

Almost two years have passed and nothing has changed much. There are many other friends who do know now about my secret, and none of them has ever showed the slightest sign of rejection for it (I already knew as I have really good friends). And while I feel it is the right way to go, I have not yet gone out to gay bars even though all my friends have encouraged me to do it. I think that the fact that I haven't known anyone with which I could have actual possibilities have pushed me to still think about him.

He is great and we are still amazing friends. He is not very opened to talk about himself to other people, and yet he tells me almost anything that he thinks or does, about girls, about family, he even talks with me about guys! :icon_mrgr: But there is something different, I guess it must be something about me that keeps me from being just his friend. I feel so weak to him, as he knows nearly everything about me, and most things I think are related to him. He's great but still I feel him more and more distant and the worst is I know it is not his but MY fault. Maybe I'm just a little paranoid, but I really got quite obsessed about him.

Now it seems I have calmed down a bit, although I still love him (and I seriously think I always will), I do not think of him that constantly. H has helped me a whole fucking lot in this process, he has been there any time I needed him and he did talked me about his problems, too. I even started to think I was falling for H, too, but I soon obligued myself to drive my mind away from it as it would be the same story repeated over again.

So I'm here still thinking about the same guy that has driven me crazy for almost two years. And while I'm certainly better each day about it, I still think I need a little extra push not to forget him (as this may be impossible), but to start to get a little over it.

Well, sorry because this has gone much further than I thought, but I had to share it with anyone who can positively advise me about it.

Thanks!

 

@ ConfusedKid:

Yes, as I said I think I've taken a pair of steps in the right direction. But I feel like it's not going to be that easy. There are some problems that I fear will keep me from feeling fully free, the worst of them being my parents... :icon_sad:

I find your philosophy quite nice, and I really hope it turns out to be true. I'm sure K is going to be special forever, and I want him to stay here with me even as a friend. However, I am more comfortable when he's not around (maybe because he knows so much about me I feel weak to him) and I have told him so. He finds it quite difficult to understand because we were so close friends before. Hell, even I myself don't know exactly why do I feel that way, and it hurts because I'd like to be with him but I don't feel that good when he's around. Many times I wonder if I did right to tell him. He thinks yes, but I really don't know.

Oh thanks! I think it's great, too. I'm not very happy with the current Spanish Government but I think this is a good step forward for sure.

@ nk114:

Yes you are right. I'm so damn lucky to have such an excellent group of friends. I've only come out to some of them, and I still found it too hard at times. I've had bad moments in all this process, which seems tiny but it meant such a huge step for me. I just can't imagine how hard must this be to someone who does not have such a close relationship with his/her friends.

Thank you dudes for having read this long! While I certainly think I'm getting better about it each day, there's still some work ahead.

I think I should go out to a gay bar or something just to have a look at least. However I'm not very fond of that kind of "ambient" and fear I won't like it. What's your experience about this? I would like to go with a female friend, but my friends are most guys and the few girls I know are not that close to me. That's not that big of a problem, anyway, because most of them wouldn't mind coming with me (in fact, some of them actually said it would be great), but I don't know how would it be to go to a gay bar with straight friends. I could try, anyway...