I have two friends who are a couple, and I'll name them M and W, both of them are devoutly Pentecostal, who go to the same church, one sings in the choir and the other plays the piano. Both are known in the church as being nothing more than friends, but one M tells me that if the church finds out that they're a practicing gay couple, they will be ex-communicated - but only IF - they have been having sex. I'm not religious by any means (I know, I'm a heathen), but I have to ask myself who the hell cares if they're having sex or not, and what business of it is the church if they're practicing gays or not? M said that he had "that conversation" with his pastor and the pastor said that it's OK for him to be gay, and it's OK for him to have a boyfriend, but it is NOT okay if they've been together sexually and if they did it, they would be kicked out of the church. That church is the blood-life of both of these friends, and when attending church, they don't sit together, and keep their absolute furthest distances between them both. W's mom also goes to this church and W said it would devastate her if she became the target of shame if her son and his boyfriend were caught having sex. Needless to say now, that in the 7 or 8 years they've been together, they have *never* had sex and don't plan on it until they're married. But M says that if W "outs" him at church, M will make W's life miserable and will deny all existence of W. M just does not want any part of their partnership to be included in the church. I don't know why they're still together. I don't get the mentality of M. If they truly love each other, and if they truly value their membership in the church, why don't they find another church to go to? One that accepts who they are in a place where they will not feel any shame about being together and one where they don't feel like they're going to get booted out of the church for having sex. Religion is a strange and wondrous thing. I'm just glad I'm not in a situation like this. But, what I do wonder is what kind of advice I can give my friends without the church kicking them out, without anyone knowing or finding out they're a couple, so that they can start leading a normal existence with each other? I would hate for them to split up over this but it's almost turning into a no-win situation for both of them. I keep telling W he should move on and start living his life over again. This is a loaded post... lots to talk about, I'm sure! Thanks for any advice.
W should not plan his life based on his mother's insecurities. If W's mother would rather have her son lying to himself than be criticized by some gossipy church believers, she is the problem. Both W and M should be true to themselves. The pastor is just another person who also makes tons of mistakes and can misjudge, just like everyone else. My opinion is if they hold the church more important then you should coldly suggest they break up. If their relationship means something to them, they may soon realize it's mr important than the church.
If you are trying to make sense out of religious beliefs, and the torture gay people put themselves through by adhering to a belief system usually chosen for them by their straight parents, you are just going to be frustrated. Gay people are different from straight people. They need to have relationships with other gay people, and normal relationships usually include sex. Most religions still insist on people having sex with opposite genders, which is incompatible with what should be "normal" for gay couples, whose attractions are for people of their same gender. The solution is simple, which is to switch their religious associations to a church which understands gay relationships and does not condemn gay couples for having appropriate loving sexual relationships as a couple from the pulpit, and tell them that they are some kind of abomination. So simple, but so hard for some people to understand after being raised under the dogma of their parents' religion, which chooses to criticize and judge them against an inappropriate and obsolete standard. What can you do to help them? Probably not a whole lot, since their problems are mostly self-administered and can only be self-solved. If they are willing to read, maybe they can learn something from a former Pentecostal minister, who himself found problems between his Pentecostal religious beliefs and church, and the reality of his own sexuality. They can solve their problems, not by giving up religion in general, if they need it, but by joining a non-judgemental religion and church, which has detailed beliefs compatible with the reality of their sexual orientation. Just as they might not choose the same clothes, the same car, the same profession, or the same friends as their parents, there is no reason they have to be locked into the same church as their parents; in fact, there are good reasons NOT to do so if they are gay and their parents' church fails to treat them with the respect any person is due as an individual, and make their lives better. Here is the book I recommend: "A Life of Unlearning: A preacher's struggle with his homosexuality, church and faith" by Anthony Venn-Brown
I agree that they should be able to be open with their relationship, I'm a very devout catholic and homosexuality isn't a sin XD. Now most people don't believe this, but I believe that you shouldn't have sex before marriage, now before that was a problem because gay marriage wasn't allowed, but now that the world has seen their mistakes, gay marriage is legal. So everyone is entitled to their own beliefs but as long as your married the church shouldn't have a problem with anyone having sex with their partner. If they are really that religious then they shouldn't go on what one pastor says, they should go on what they personally believe in, you don't have to believe in EVERYTHING that the bible says if you're Christian. If you believe that God loves all his children and that he is forgiving then what's the problem...
Personally I think they should change their church / religion to a church that is more embracing of the diverse nature of humanity. The other alternative is to keep living a lonely and secret life because of others understanding of "Gods word". It is not possible to change ones sexual orientation, but it is possible to change ones religion.
